Valentine’s Day gone wrong

Mudzimba
Dr Chisamba

Dear Amai, I hope I find you well. I am a married woman and a mother of two beautiful children. I am 30 and my husband is of the same age. This is a leap year and the rule is that women are supposed to buy gifts for their spouses on Valentine’s Day, which fell on February 14.

My husband is gainfully employed while I am a full-time housewife. I asked my husband if he could give me some money so I could buy him a gift.

He told me that he would rather buy it himself, thus there was no need for him to give me any funds.

Amai, this lack of understanding is beyond me. The gift was intended for him, not me, so why did he begrudge me? We had a very bad fallout and we are not talking. Please help.

Response

Thank you very much for reaching out to me. I am well and thank you for inquiring. February 14 is just a single day on a 12-month calendar.

Do not put your marriage on trial because of such petty issues.

Love must be expressed round the clock, not just on a particular day. In my view, your husband is right by not giving you the money if he insists on buying it for himself. If you believe in Valentine’s Day, I bet you knew 2024 was a leap year from the beginning of the year.

You should have secretly prepared for the day by saving for the gift. If anything, he seems more upset by the fact of financing his own gift as it takes away the surprise element. Brush it off and move on.

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I smell a rat

I am aged 28 and my wife is 20. We both had failed first marriages. I have two children from my first union and my wife has one.

My mother-in-law has a very good relationship with my wife’s ex-husband.

This guy visits them regularly and the explanation I get is that he comes to see his child and leave provisions for the minor. My wife spends most of her time at her mother’s home.

Our house is very untidy and at times she does not do the dishes for several days. When I ask her about the state of the home, she advises me to look for a smart wife because she does not want to be bothered. Amai, I am very upset and suspicious at the same time. Could they be trying to reconcile? What do you make of this?

Response

I was shocked by your age. It is difficult to consider that you are on the verge of another failed second marriage. What makes the whole issue sad is that you both have children who should be taken good care of.

Your lifestyle is not conducive for the upbringing of kids. Marriage is a lifetime commitment and you seem not to be giving it the attention it deserves. It appears you rushed through these processes without thinking.

Did you ever go for pre-marital counselling? Were you ever in true love with any of these women?

Why is your wife spending so much time at her mother’s house and neglecting her own in the process?

 Your speculation about the intentions of her ex-lover are just as good as mine. His presence is not ideal but you cannot do anything because he frequents where you have no authority over.

Try to rein in your wife to pay more attention to the family and her own home. Actively seek professional counselling. I would be happy to hear from you again.

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Lover still resides with his ex

Dear Amai, I am a single mother of a 20-year-old who is in university. I am aged 40 and I was very unlucky in love. As such, I had decided not to fall in love again. I am very self-sufficient, educated and beautiful.

Six months ago, I met someone and I could not resist his advances. I am head over heels in love. This guy seems to be in the fast lane as he is already talking about marriage. I do not doubt his love, but his lifestyle is worrisome.

He is 42, a father of two and divorced. Unbelievably, he still shares his home with his former wife and has moved to the other wing of the house.

They still share everything except bedrooms. He says despite their divorce, they are still great friends and that their separation was mutual.

If you did not know about them, you would think they were still married. When he invited me to his house, I was shocked when his ex welcomed me and hosted us. The ex-wife has a boyfriend, who visits occasionally. I am confused. Am I not making another mistake? Please help.

Response

Hello writer. To state as candidly as I can, this is not a common setup in our culture.  We often see these scenarios in movies. It is unusual and unnerving. They say once bitten, twice shy. There is need for you to be vigilant. You described yourself as being unlucky in love. In that case, I would urge you not to rush into marriage.

You can give it a few more months. In the meantime, go for pre-marital counselling. Try to convince your partner to become more independent as he prepares to tie the knot with you. Get to know his circle of friends and family at large.

If his ex is his friend, will that sit well with you once you marry him? Do these guys have any plans of ever staying apart in the future? Try to ascertain when their divorce was finalised as you could be stepping into a fresh situation. You have a lot of homework to do. I would be happy to hear from you again.

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