The Sunday Mail
DEAR Amai, I hope you are well. We are a middle-aged couple with two children. We were fortunate to have moved and worked abroad soon after our wedding and saved a lump sum of money.
This enabled us to build two houses, one in my husband’s rural area and another in town. We are now back in the country and our rural property is like our holiday home.
It is fully equipped with running water and all the modern essentials. I have an arrangement in place with someone who goes to clean the house twice a month. My mother-in-law keeps the spare keys in order to supervise the cleaning. Last week, we went home unannounced and to my surprise, we found a family staying there without our knowledge.
My mother-in-law’s younger sister, who resides in Botswana, is staying in the house with her husband and two kids.
To say the least, the home was dirty and upside-down. My husband told them to go to his mother’s place since we needed our space for the weekend. I do not know why they were given access to our house when there are plenty of empty rooms at Amai’s. It is a long story that did not end well; a lot was said.
My mother-in-law says we humiliated her and we should apologise. My father-in-law is a man of few words and had actually told his wife not to let visitors access our house without our permission. We are back in the city. My husband did not give our keys back to his mother.
Response
DEAR writer, thank you very much for writing in. I am well and thanks for asking. Let me congratulate you for building two houses from your own savings at your age. It shows that you are financially disciplined. Please keep up the good work.
Back to the point at issue, in my view, I think your mother-in-law crossed the line. I do not understand why she did not take the sound advice her husband gave her. Had she heeded it, all this could have been avoided. There was some level of humiliation but I think she is the one who owes you an apology.
As for your husband, I think he also overreacted by taking the keys away from her. I suggest you sit down as a family and have a candid talk. It is a good way to break the ice. Afterwards, whoever feels like apologising will naturally do so. The ball is in your court but if I were in your shoes, I would give back the keys and ask her never to repeat what she did.
You need someone to monitor the house and supervise the cleaning in your absence if she is still agreeable. It is my hope that in the end, you forgive each other and reconcile. This episode is a thing of the past. Treat it like so. I wish you all the best.
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Am I a bad step-parent?
Dear Amai, I am a big fan of this column and I have learnt a lot from it. I am a 25-year-old woman and my husband is aged 27. He has an eight-year-old son sired out of wedlock from a previous relationship. He did not marry the woman because both were very young. He told me about the child and I accepted the situation entirely. We are blessed with a one-year-old girl and she is a spitting image of her half-sibling.
My husband has custody of the child but he goes to his mum and maternal grandparents during holidays. He is a lovely and cheerful boy. My relationship with my husband is good but I have something that is disturbing my inner peace that he is not aware of. I want to make a confession.
Deep down, I hate this little boy so much. Each time he calls me mum, I struggle with my conscience. All I do is pretend but for how long? Amai, please teach me to love this child. I have tried for the past three years to no avail. When he plays with my child, I see a stranger.
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Response
Dear big fan, thank you for reaching out to me and following the platform. Your letter made me teary. In my imagination, I saw the young boy hugging you and calling you mum innocently.
I do not want to apportion blame to you because you know your resentment towards an innocent child is misplaced. You are seeking help and want to truly love this boy. The good thing is that your husband was transparent and told you about this child right from the outset, a situation you accepted whole-heartedly.
In our culture, we embrace all family members; terminology such as half-siblings or stepparents is non-existent. The boy is not a stranger; he is your daughter’s beloved brother.
You can learn a thing from children. They play together innocently and love each other wholeheartedly unless or until an older influence teaches them to do otherwise. In Shona, we say: Kuzvara kwemumwe, kuzvara kwakowo. He is as good as your biological child. He did not ask to be born in such a setup. I am glad you said your relationship with your husband is good. It means you are a good team, so love your children together without any segregation. Be involved in his schoolwork and play games together at home and away. Bond with him as much as possible. I suggest you personally seek professional counselling and pray over this issue. God will make you the good parent you long to be. I would be happy to hear from you again.
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Is my hubby a spoilt brat?
I am a married woman aged 30 and my husband is 35. We are blessed with two kids. I joined mukando. It comprises 15 members, all female, and we raise US$200 each month. Our sole purpose is to assist each other to furnish our kitchens with modern gadgets. At the end of March, I got my payout because it was my turn. My husband always asks for money to buy fuel. He now wants a portion of the money to fix things that have nothing to do with my kitchen. I told fellow members of our group about my husband’s demands and most of them blamed me, saying “ndakamujaidza” and that he is a spoilt brat. Some said I made a mistake by telling him the actual amount that one gets when a payout is made. What can I do, Amai, so that my money works towards its intended purpose?
Response
Mukando is not a bad arrangement if it is managed well. Some have used it as a launchpad to kick-start their businesses. Each marriage is unique; so do not go by the advice you get from others in groups. People manage their budgets differently, so it depends on you as a couple. I think you did well to tell your spouse the truth about the club and the full amount one gets when it is one’s turn to receive a payout.
Lying is like cancer, it spreads wildly and can land you in big trouble. You need to devise a way of managing your funds as a couple. Do not just use money unnecessarily because you have the savings. Everything must be accounted for. Last but not least, do not wash your dirty linen in public. How do you feel when fellow members refer to your husband as a brat? That is mean and very disrespectful. I would be happy to hear from you again.
Feedback: beckychisamba@ gmail.com; 0771415474
