My brother divided our family

Mudzimba

Dr Chisamba

DEAR Amai, I hope I find you well. I am a 32-year-old man. My wife and I have two beautiful children. As a couple, we generally get along well.

My paternal grandmother is 86 years old and she is still very active. Most of her teeth are missing but that never stops her from smiling. She eats whatever she wants; it just has to be overcooked. My eldest brother based abroad promised gogo a full set of artificial teeth and she is over the moon.

She tells anyone who cares to listen about this wonderful news. The problem now is that my brother is compelling all siblings to contribute towards this cause. Some of us do not have the money. Additionally, he did not give anyone the heads-up about this matter.

It is a noble thing to do for our grandmother but why did he make a promise if he did not have enough money to pay for everything himself? This issue has divided the family; even our parents are not happy as they think everyone is duty-bound to chip in. They are now threatening us by saying gogo may go into depression if this is not done. Please help. How do we fix this?

Response

Dear writer, thank you for writing in. I am very well and thanks for asking. I am glad to hear that your marriage is generally good. However, I advise you to put more effort towards this to make sure it becomes a happy one. Now, for the issue at stake, considering gogo’s age, your brother was inconsiderate in promising her the dentures knowing  full well that he did not have a full budget for them. In my view, this could have worked better if it was done as a surprise after everything had been paid for and finalised.

Each family is unique in its dealings, so I would not know if contributions were the right thing to propose. I think budgets are personal; your brother should have consulted everyone first if he wanted to make it a joint venture. It is unfortunate I cannot address him directly because he is not the writer. Your parents may be right that this false promise may affect gogo’s health because of her fragile age.

Given what is on the ground, the best thing would be for your brother to fulfil his promise now, then talk to the other siblings later. I hope he will commit to this.

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How best can I break up with my partner?

Dear Amai, I am 28 years old, single and gainfully employed. I have been going out with a beautiful lady for the past six months  who is the same age as me.

Sadly, I do not have any true feelings for her. I think I was attracted by her outer beauty but now I have discovered that we are two different people. I do not feel like pretending anymore.

She has not done anything out of line in the relationship but I just cannot continue like this.

I shared this sentiment with my brother and parents and they advised me to call it quits and let her move on.

After this discussion, my brother came to me privately and said he would like to date the same girl because they may gel. He said this might work because he does not fuss over many things as I do. Amai, is it okay if I communicate this to the girl?

Response

Hello writer and thank you for getting in touch. Your letter left me confused and very empathetic towards the young lady tied up in all of this.

The advice you got from your parents was very sound; go by it.

Do not treat this woman like a mere asset that can be passed from one person to the other with the slightest of ease.

Love involves emotions and you must not dare play with them. Why did it take you so long to realise that she was not the correct fit for you? Please note that time is money. Even if she were to say yes to your brother’s proposal, how then would you relate to her in the future?

At 28, I expect you to do better. Let her know of her fate today and let her move on. If you respect this woman, do not bring up the terrible suggestion your brother whispered to you.

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Hubby is making me out to be the bad person

Dear Amai, how are you? I am a married woman and a mother of a two-year-old girl. My husband is gainfully employed and I work at our family shop.

My husband has a problem; it seems he cannot say no.

Last week, he went to his rural home to give his parents some provisions.

His mother then suggested that his youngest brother should come to the city to help in the shop so that he can earn some money.

To my surprise, he agreed, yet we recently moved back into our one-bedroom apartment. We used to rent a three-bedroom house but the rentals skyrocketed and we decided to go back to basics.

I told my husband to call his mother before his brother comes and explain our living situation. He says I should tell his mum because he is ashamed to tell her. Amai, do you think it is a good idea?

Response

I am very well and thank you for inquiring.

Your husband should learn to always speak his mind. In this case, it was wrong to raise his brother’s hopes and not be straight with his parents.

I suggest you take it one step at a time. I do not understand why you ended up renting a bigger house instead of living in your apartment while you worked on securing an even bigger place.

When he went home, you were not there, so you really do not know how this arrangement was structured. Let your husband finish what he started. Do not make yourself unpopular. I would be happy to hear from you again

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Feedback: beckychisamba@ gmail.com; 0771415474