My free-loading relatives are a burden

Dr Chisamba

Mudzimba

DEAR Amai, thank you very much for your Sunday Mail column. I am a 34-year-old father of two. I am happily married.

I bought a 14-seater minibus for a song from my boss, who was going abroad. He told me it was his farewell gift to me. However, the vehicle has caused a rift between my relatives and I. What bothers me the most is that when I travel for family functions, some of my relatives park their cars and ask me for free rides.

It is only a 14-seater and cannot accommodate the whole tribe. I am now being accused of being a segregator. I do not know how they managed before I got this vehicle. My wife has suggested that when family gatherings arise, we must use public transport so that we save ourselves from this bickering. Amai, please help!

Response

Thank you for reaching out and for supporting this platform. It is refreshing to hear that you have a happy marriage, especially these days when many people are divorcing. I think your wife is angry. What she has suggested will inconvenience your family the most.

If you use public transport, they will use their cars and not bother about you. Given the calibre of people you are dealing with, you need to think it through.

You made it too easy for them from the beginning. It is common knowledge that when someone plans to travel, they put aside funds for bus fare or fuel, so it is not as if they were destitute.

It does not make any sense for people to begrudge you because of your vehicle.

Next time, tell them to contribute towards fuel if they want to join you; it is only fair to do so. I guarantee it will put an end to this madness. Be firm and reconcile with your family. You need each other in trying times. Pettiness will get you nowhere.

***************

Mother-in-law stirring trouble

I am married to a very traditional man. Every holiday, we send our children — aged 14, 16 and 18 — to their paternal grandparents’ rural home to help with different types of chores. Inasmuch as it is good to go and help out, I have noted an alarming change in the children.

They are no longer as good as they used to be in school. There is a lot that goes on during the breaks, for example, extra lessons, research and mere enjoyment of the holidays with their friends.

Last holiday, my mother-in-law called my husband, asking him not to send the boys to the rural home if their mother was not happy about it.

The boys are said to be always moody and grumpy when they are there. My husband bought his mother’s story and I was accused of influencing their behaviour. This did not go down well with me. Why was I blamed? Amai, how do we resolve this issue?

Response

Children are precious gifts from God and we are duty-bound to treat them as best as possible. As much as there is nothing wrong with sending them to help their grandparents, the way we do it makes the difference. In my view, shipping them there every holiday without asking if they have any schoolwork, plans or any preferences makes it wrong. Communicate with them. Come up with the best solution.

As parents, have an interest in their schoolwork and do everything in your power to help them improve. Too much of anything is not good. They no longer wish to visit their grandparents because they spend a lot of their downtime there. I am sorry you are being blamed for this fiasco.

Mothers have a lot of influence on their children, but it does not mean if anything goes wrong, the mum is always to blame.

I suggest you sit down as a family and have a candid talk to forge a way forward. Playing the blame game will not help solve the problem. Do not make a storm in a teacup. I would be happy to hear from you again.

***************

I stole my wife’s savings

Dear Amai, I hope I find you well. I am married to a hardworking woman and we are blessed with two children, who are both toddlers. We generally get on well, but I am guilty of one thing: I stole from her and got away with it.

Our househelp is Godsent. She loves the kids and her work. My wife hid US$2 000 in one of her handbags. I took it and bought a round of drinks, hoping I would replace the money before she asked for it.

The househelp swore she never touched it and she would never do that to loving employers like us. I confused my spouse by urging her to keep looking as it could have been moved to another bag.

She is very upset, Amai. She says she is sure of where she put the money. She is threatening to call the police if she does not find the cash. I cannot live with this; how do I break the news? I am sorry for what I did but it was my turn to buy drinks and I just could not face my fellow golfers empty-handed. Please help.

Response

Hello writer, I am well and thanks for asking. Your letter made my reading very sad. What you did is as good as stealing from yourself.

What makes the whole episode worse is your lack of priority. You opted to please your friends and hurt your partner in the process. Drinks are not a matter of life and death. If golf exerts a certain amount of pressure on you to live this kind of lifestyle, please quit. It is above your reach.

Confess. This is the only way out. Can you imagine the discomfort you have caused your househelp? You should also promise to replace the funds. You acted disgracefully. Remember, you are the head of the family.

As such, you should hold yourself to a higher standard. Last but not least, going forward, always secure your money in a bank or find other means for safekeeping. It is risky to keep large amounts in the house. I would be happy to hear from you again.

 

Feedback: [email protected]; 0771415474.

 

DEAR Amai, thank you very much for your Sunday Mail column. I am a 34-year-old father of two. I am happily married.

I bought a 14-seater minibus for a song from my boss, who was going abroad. He told me it was his farewell gift to me. However, the vehicle has caused a rift between my relatives and I. What bothers me the most is that when I travel for family functions, some of my relatives park their cars and ask me for free rides.

It is only a 14-seater and cannot accommodate the whole tribe. I am now being accused of being a segregator. I do not know how they managed before I got this vehicle. My wife has suggested that when family gatherings arise, we must use public transport so that we save ourselves from this bickering. Amai, please help!

Response

Thank you for reaching out and for supporting this platform. It is refreshing to hear that you have a happy marriage, especially these days when many people are divorcing. I think your wife is angry. What she has suggested will inconvenience your family the most.

If you use public transport, they will use their cars and not bother about you. Given the calibre of people you are dealing with, you need to think it through.

You made it too easy for them from the beginning. It is common knowledge that when someone plans to travel, they put aside funds for bus fare or fuel, so it is not as if they were destitute.

It does not make any sense for people to begrudge you because of your vehicle.

Next time, tell them to contribute towards fuel if they want to join you; it is only fair to do so. I guarantee it will put an end to this madness. Be firm and reconcile with your family. You need each other in trying times. Pettiness will get you nowhere.

***************

Mother-in-law stirring trouble

I am married to a very traditional man. Every holiday, we send our children — aged 14, 16 and 18 — to their paternal grandparents’ rural home to help with different types of chores. Inasmuch as it is good to go and help out, I have noted an alarming change in the children.

They are no longer as good as they used to be in school. There is a lot that goes on during the breaks, for example, extra lessons, research and mere enjoyment of the holidays with their friends.

Last holiday, my mother-in-law called my husband, asking him not to send the boys to the rural home if their mother was not happy about it.

The boys are said to be always moody and grumpy when they are there. My husband bought his mother’s story and I was accused of influencing their behaviour. This did not go down well with me. Why was I blamed? Amai, how do we resolve this issue?

Response

Children are precious gifts from God and we are duty-bound to treat them as best as possible. As much as there is nothing wrong with sending them to help their grandparents, the way we do it makes the difference. In my view, shipping them there every holiday without asking if they have any schoolwork, plans or any preferences makes it wrong. Communicate with them. Come up with the best solution.

As parents, have an interest in their schoolwork and do everything in your power to help them improve. Too much of anything is not good. They no longer wish to visit their grandparents because they spend a lot of their downtime there. I am sorry you are being blamed for this fiasco.

Mothers have a lot of influence on their children, but it does not mean if anything goes wrong, the mum is always to blame.

I suggest you sit down as a family and have a candid talk to forge a way forward. Playing the blame game will not help solve the problem. Do not make a storm in a teacup. I would be happy to hear from you again.

***************

I stole my wife’s savings

Dear Amai, I hope I find you well. I am married to a hardworking woman and we are blessed with two children, who are both toddlers. We generally get on well, but I am guilty of one thing: I stole from her and got away with it.

Our househelp is Godsent. She loves the kids and her work. My wife hid US$2 000 in one of her handbags. I took it and bought a round of drinks, hoping I would replace the money before she asked for it.

The househelp swore she never touched it and she would never do that to loving employers like us. I confused my spouse by urging her to keep looking as it could have been moved to another bag.

She is very upset, Amai. She says she is sure of where she put the money. She is threatening to call the police if she does not find the cash. I cannot live with this; how do I break the news? I am sorry for what I did but it was my turn to buy drinks and I just could not face my fellow golfers empty-handed. Please help.

Response

Hello writer, I am well and thanks for asking. Your letter made my reading very sad. What you did is as good as stealing from yourself.

What makes the whole episode worse is your lack of priority. You opted to please your friends and hurt your partner in the process. Drinks are not a matter of life and death. If golf exerts a certain amount of pressure on you to live this kind of lifestyle, please quit. It is above your reach.

Confess. This is the only way out. Can you imagine the discomfort you have caused your househelp? You should also promise to replace the funds. You acted disgracefully. Remember, you are the head of the family.

As such, you should hold yourself to a higher standard. Last but not least, going forward, always secure your money in a bank or find other means for safekeeping. It is risky to keep large amounts in the house. I would be happy to hear from you again.

 

Feedback: [email protected]; 0771415474.