Mudzimba with Mai Chisamba: Lies, hate and deceit

MUDZIMBA with Mai Chisamba
MUDZIMBA with Mai Chisamba

I feel terrible for what I did to my daughter in-law. I am a mother of a son and two daughters. My son is the eldest, the one who married the woman I am talking about.

From the onset I never approved of their marriage because I wanted him to marry another girl whom he had impregnated.

I treated his choice kunge nhapwa. Once my son complained that I was being cruel and unreasonable. I influenced my two daughters and they would take turns to make her feel miserable. My husband used to complain but I fabricated stories against muroora until baba lost interest in her.

She never retaliated — but she would cry. Nobody from my muroora’s side ever complained.

I wanted my son to join the bandwagon and kick her out and then marry the girl I loved.

When I told my son that I no longer wanted his wife at my premises, all he said was sending his wife away was sending him away too.

My son and my muroora have left. They have been gone for two years and we do not communicate. They only communicate with baba. My son does not even speak to his sisters.

Ndakatadza Mai Chisamba. I miss my son and his family and I feel guilty. I have lost everything.

They are now blessed with a son and only baba has seen the child. The first girl I wanted him to marry has cut all communications. Rumour has it she is getting married.

How do I go about this, please help? I tried to engage my husband but he says nguva yacho yakatopera.

Response

One of the best traits is to take responsibility when you are wrong and to make things right.

Moyo muti unomera paunoda. Love comes from within and it is in the eyes of the beholder. Other people cannot do much to change this. Mothers were known as the backbones of families but now some have become the opposite.

I receive hundreds of letters and most of them are about people complaining about how others have wronged them. Yet here you are seeking to atone for your bad deeds.

It is wrong to ill-treat other people, it is against God’s will. Remember the good book says “do unto others as you would have them do unto you”.

You crossed the line. You are your children’s role model. Amai chaivo vanopesva vana vavo kuti vatambudze muroora? That is way off line. You even lied to your husband, what a wife! What do all these people think of you?

People from muroora’s side may not have verbally complained but do not take them for fools.

Vasikana musadaro kani. Hatidi kudzokera shure kuti mhandu yemukadzi mukadzi. I advise you to apologise and retract all your lies.

You have wronged the whole family, including your daughters whom you influenced to work against muroora. Only the truth can set you free.

You have not seen muzukuru yet because of this, what a shame. Nhapwa is a very strong word and to treat a family member as such is very untoward.

Talk and pray about this and it shall be well. At least you have shown that you have a conscience, which is commendable. I wish you all the best.

***

In love with my neighbour

I am a 19-year-old girl at a college. I am not in a serious relationship.

Our neighbour is very friendly and down to mother earth. He chats with my parents every now and then and at times he comes over to our house to discuss issues in the newspaper with my dad.

My parents call him mukwasha and I am the only daughter.

Each time they call him that my heart misses a beat. When he talks to my parents he says “ko vana tsano nemudzimai wangu vakadini?”

I love it, Mai Chisamba!

I think I have a crush on him. He has not said anything along those lines though.

A few days ago he saw me leaving home as he was driving past and offered me a lift into town. It was the best ride of my life.

I was hoping he would say what I am longing to hear but he never did. He is getting quite close to our family and now he has befriended my eldest brother and they see each other a lot. Do you think he means it when he calls me “adzimai”?

My eldest brother anoda zvemabhebhi now I am scared they may team up and search for girls ini ndikasara. How do I speed up this process up? Should I tell him how I feel? He is about 24.

I am not 100 percent sure, though. Now I cannot concentrate in school, I am afraid of losing him. I need help with this. Kana ndiri wrong please forgive me but, umm, I just love him.

Response

At times our culture is tricky and it can be confusing, especially to young people.

People can use these mukwasha/muroora terms etcetera just to replace names. They do not even think about the impact this can have on someone in your shoes.

I cannot say that is for certain but it is possible that there is something going on.

These terms can also be misleading and may cause young kids to be taken advantage of achinzi uri mukadzi wangu.

I have nothing against our culture but it has its limitations. It is a taboo for a woman to say to a guy “I love you”. In other cultures it is acceptable.

You are 19, you are a major. Why not befriend him first and get to know him better?

I do not want to break your heart but he could be married or in a serious relationship. There is no way you can speed the process up. You need to take it one step at a time.

Usabva waperera zvekutadza chikoro. Mind you, this is your future and even if he is available you still need to be equipped educationally.

Please do not overdo it otherwise you will put him off and he may wonder what type of girl you are. Even if he says he loves you do not show him that you have been waiting for that. Play it cool and take it easy on the pedal.

I would be happy to hear from you again. Love is in the air. I wish you all the best.

There’s a monster inside me

I had a very difficult upbringing. I never experienced love as a child and at times I wondered how my parents were even together.

We used to peep through their window at night to try and determine if indeed these people shared a bed.

I come from a family of two females and two males. Our disjointed family missed out on love and laughter and I used to go to our neighbour’s place because paifarwa. We were loved, fed and more welcome there than in our home. They did not mind us invading their home at all.

My father was a tyrant and my mother was so scared of him. Everything was about my father. If we did not have enough bread or relish, zviripo zvaingonzi ndezvababa isu torarira porridge unless we went to the neighbour kunokwata. My mother would be beaten for the smallest mistake.

Her parents came to fetch her but she declined and said she would die for her children. I could write a book about my miserable past. My parents, especially amai, made sure we were put through school. We are now all married and comfortable. I married a beautiful wife and we are blessed with two boys.

My problem is I think I am like my father inside. I just cannot be genuinely happy. I do not want my wife and children to experience what I went through. She is a good woman but at times ndongonzwa hasha nekusamuda. Even the kids vanongondibva kumoyo here and then. I pretend to be happy and normal but underneath I am a mess. I spoke to my tete and she said pane chivanhu chinoda kuitwa. Can I do that when I am a Christian? I love my family. What I feel is beyond me. Please help. I have tears in my eyes as I write. I want to be a good person, father and spouse.

Response

Your letter made me teary as well, thank you for sharing this with me I hope I will be of assistance. I am sorry about your upbringing. Even though it was tough, I picked some positives. Tough as it was, it was not entirely gloomy because God gave you a good neighbour who allowed you guys to at least laugh and eat at his residence.

One of the best things that happened was that your parents put you through school; inhaka yeupenyu chaiyo — that is why you are where you are today. You had a roof over your head, thank Heavens for that. The gift of a wonderful, loving and caring mother who refused to go with her parents when the going was tough should never be taken for granted. I think you can gladly count your blessings.

Whatever happened during your youth should be treated as water under the bridge. My advice is for you to engage a professional counsellor. You need to pick up the pieces and move forward.

Do not let your past dent your future. I do not want to dwell on tete’s suggestion. That is not my line. Zvechivanhu dzimwe nguva zvinofamba nedzimhuri. You said you are a Christian, from this I conclude that you accept that God is the owner of the universe and is in charge of our lives.

Prayer can do wonders if you are sincere. Pray for your family and the whole clan and you will definitely find happiness.

There is a lot of anger bottled up in you and a counsellor can help sort that out. If you can, I want you to extend kuti vabereki vambotaurawo na counsellor wavo, especially amai. Some of what happened most likely lingers mupfungwa dzavo. Always look at the bright side of life. Be of good cheer and keep well. I hope to hear from you again. For now, let’s work on counselling and prayer.

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