The Sunday Mail
My girlfriend is obsessed with marriage
DEAR Amai, how are you? I am a 21-year-old student and I am in love with a 22-year-old lady. I love her with all my heart. However, I cannot stand the pressure she is putting on me for us to get married as soon as possible. I told her I need to finish my degree first.
I also do not have the money to do it now. She stays with her parents and she is not employed. A few months ago, I discovered that she was cheating on me with another guy from her neighbourhood. We had a verbal fight.
She claimed she was trying to date someone with the capacity to marry her soon. Amai, I am upset about this and I really do not know what to do. I can no longer trust her and it is affecting my schoolwork.
Response
I am very well and thanks for asking. You are both young and not yet financially stable. Diving head first into something like marriage does not seem like the right move now. To be honest, I do not even think your girlfriend truly loves you, but rather is infatuated with the idea of marriage.
The fact that she cheated on you to look for someone else who would marry her is alarming. What is the rush? Is she pregnant? If so, there are channels and ways such cases should be handled. Do not let it affect your schoolwork. In all honesty, I think you must set her free to pursue her goal of marriage. Work on yourself and prioritise relationships that grow at a natural pace.
You have a lot to learn and a bright future ahead of you. Do not rush into something you may regret. Great haste makes great waste.
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Kids refusing to visit in-laws
Thank you so much for your column in The Sunday Mail. I am a married woman blessed with two sons aged nine and eleven. My husband is a great guy and we try as much as possible to work together and give our children a good upbringing.
We want our kids to get to know both our families. We devised a method where they go to my family for a weekend or brief holiday and then the next time alternate and go to their father’s side. A fortnight ago, they were supposed to have gone to my in-laws’ house, but they both cried and refused to go.
We tried to find out why, but they never said anything. The younger one said from now on they would only go to my parents. This made me uncomfortable because I also do not know why they said this. My husband said we should look into this carefully, but Amai, how do we do this without stepping on my in-laws’ toes? My fear is someone will end up blaming me or us as a couple for influencing the kids and yet we are innocent.
Response
Hello writer and thank you for following the column. I would like to commend you for making efforts to ensure your children know both sides of the family. Their decision to not visit your in-laws is strange. Judging from their ages, it is weird that the kids came up to this conclusion by themselves. My guess is that something happened.
If you have failed to get it out of your children, you may need to rope in a child psychologist or someone the kids may feel comfortable confiding in. Whatever it is, it needs to be resolved. I would avoid jumping the gun and approaching your in-laws if you do not know what it is. It could be something sincere or a silly reason.
Children are unpredictable. Do your due diligence and you will get to the bottom of it. I wish you luck.
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Mother is wreaking
havoc on my marriage
I am aged 34 and my wife is 28. We have been married for three years and we stay with my parents. The relationship between my spouse and my mother is a nightmare as they are always at each other’s throat. My mum always reminds her that she is just as good as a lodger. I feel trapped when these two start arguing.
Even my father says he is tired. My wife and I are gainfully employed and we take care of my parents because they are both retired. My brother, who used to stay at home, left with his family for the same reason and now they rarely come home. If we leave, who will take care of them? My brother and I are their only children.
I feel sorry for my wife because some of the things mum says are uncalled for. This is now affecting my marriage and my relationship with my in-laws who are nothing, but good to me.
When my wife does things for me, my mum tells her off and says they are sub-standard. My mother is a problem, even my dad is henpecked. How do I get around this? We all want peace?
Response
Your issue is rather straightforward. You need to move. If your other sibling could do it, why can’t you?
Keeping the peace is important and this will be a big step in the right direction. Try to get your sibling to pitch in towards setting up a fund for their upkeep. Also, get them a helper. It is a shame this is what it has come to but it has to be done.
You also need to try to rope in relatives from your mother’s side to try to deal with Amai’s wayward behaviour. Your father seems tired and equally frustrated. He too would stand to benefit from this initiative. Try to be your own man and assert yourself. Chances are your mother only gets away with such behaviour because you let her. As the house owner, she has power over you unless you finally choose to get a place of your own. Act swiftly and save your marriage. Apologise to your wife and try to be a supportive husband.
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