My job is costing me dearly

Mudzimba

Dr Chisamba

Dear Amai, I hope I find you well. I am a married woman and a mother of three teenage children —two boys and a girl.

My husband and I are both gainfully employed. However, my job keeps me away from home most of the time. Even when I am home, I spend a lot of time trying to meet targets.

At times, I will be working overtime at the office. My maid is a hands-on person and she holds the fort so well in my absence.

I am starting to feel lonely and distant in my own home. When my children want attention or assistance with anything, they go either to the maid or to their father. They only interact with me when it is very necessary. My husband is naturally a man of very few words but now we do not interact that much. I am very worried about this development and I am wondering if he and the kids talk about me during my absence. I am slowly losing my family. How do I win them back?

Response

Hello writer and thank you so much for writing in. I am very well, and thanks for asking. I do not think your husband talks about you negatively in your absence.

What is happening is a very natural process. The children have simply bonded with their dad and maid more.

From your communication, you explained that you are mostly away from home. You need to make time for the entire family. I suggest you talk to your boss and try to make some adjustments that will enable you to be at home every now and then.

At times in life, we are forced to make hard decisions in order to make the important things work. You cannot have your cake and eat it. If push comes to shove, what would you rather have? I would be happy to hear from you again.

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Is it the right time to opt out?

I am a 29-year-old man and I am married to my 24-year-old wife.

We are blessed with one kid. My wife eloped and at that time, I had another childhood sweetheart whom I was madly in love with. I was forced into this situation back then because a friend introduced me to my wife.

I then, in turn, invited her to my house to come and watch soccer with me one evening.

My intention was to try to get to know her better. Her father got wind of this and came to my house in the company of her brother who threatened her and me. We were then forced to stay together until we eventually had our child.

I only paid “tsvakirai kuno” and that was that. I do not go to my in-laws’ house because they say I am not official but my wife now goes with our child to visit her family. I never loved this woman fully and I have been trying hard to stomach the situation but I have failed. My childhood sweetheart is still waiting for me. I love my child only. How do I opt out?

Response

Hello and thank you for pouring out. Your story is sad because you brought an innocent child into the world when you knew that there was no love between you and the mother. You say you have always been madly in love with your childhood sweetheart, so why did you invite this stranger to come and watch soccer with you?

Why were you interested in knowing her as a person? Why did you choose to interact in the evening? Finally, what time did her brother and father arrive in search of her?

If you think about all these questions, you will find out that you are equally to blame for the predicament you find yourself in.

Despite all this, they should not have forced you on each other.

You are not married to this woman because you did not pay any bride price for her. I strongly suggest that you stop having children.

If you do not love her talk to the elders of your family so that she is sent back to her family the way our culture dictates. You are both duty-bound to be in the life of your child forever. If you are not sure of your feelings, go for professional counselling and seek help. Please keep me posted.

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Should I let sleeping dogs lie?

Hello Amai. I am a 40-year-old woman. I am a mother to 16-year-old twins. My husband and I operate a transport business consisting mostly of kombis.

We share offices in the city centre and are generally happy.

When I got married to my husband so many years ago, tete (my husband’s sister) had a very dear friend she got along well with.

I joined the family and called her tete, too, because she was as good as family. She has supported us during fortunate and unfortunate times. She has a 20-year-old son.

Last week, I was cleaning the house and I stumbled upon an old black- and- white picture of tete and my husband. They were young then. I asked a certain family member and was told that they dated before he married me. She cheated on him and ended up pregnant by another man and that was the cause of their break-up. I have not said anything to him but I feel like a fool. My respect for this woman has vanished and I am very angry. How do I handle this situation, Amai?

Response

Greetings dear writer. I respect your husband and his family for not telling you about this woman. It is water under the bridge.

Everyone has a past. You cannot choose your sister-in-law’s friends.

So let sleeping dogs lie. If you think about it, her loss was your gain. You are in a happy marriage and doing well in business. Enjoy it. Keep your pride. There is no need to be angry. You can keep a watchful eye on her to make sure her eyes do not wander. At present, there is no cause for alarm. Stay in the present. I wish you all the best.

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