The Sunday Mail
IN the world today, there is practically no difference between the divorce rates of Christians and non-religious people.
Apostle Langton Kanyati
A belief in God, the Author of marriage, does not seem to be enough to prevent people from divorcing. Why does this happen, especially to those who believe in God and should be skilled at keeping their marriages intact?
The challenge is that most people fail or do not know how to apply their theoretical knowledge about love to their relationships. Remember it’s one thing to know that God is love and a completely different thing to know what to do when the person you love wrongs you.
Being happily married is an art, the art of problem solving.
Problems are a part of life but must be faced head-on. What’s important to understand is that problem-solving is not about changing your spouse. The focus rather must be to resolve the conflict between yourselves to change the situation.
It is a mistake to think that you can change someone and tailor him or her to your liking. If that’s your intention, you will end up viewing the other person as the problem and conclude that you have to leave them and find someone else.
By failing to learn to solve problems, you will enter another marriage without this problem-solving skill, encounter the same or other problems, and have another unsuccessful marriage.
Marriage is like a mirror. When you place yourself in front of the marriage mirror, you begin to discover flaws that you were unaware of. Your spouse is your mirror because he/she is a true reflection of who you are, the good and the bad.
It’s only natural to get defensive when our flaws are being pointed out to us. Nobody likes that – but it’s not smart.
If you choose to ignore the mirror because it’s always showing you things you dislike about yourself, you won’t improve.
Instead of defending your actions and attitudes to your spouse, use their feedback positively. Take that information and improve.
A look at the feedback I have received since I started writing these articles shows that many marriages are under attack.
You may not be able to change the world, but within your own world, inside your marriage, this you can and must change.
The question is not whether or not your relationship will come under attack, but when. Will you know how to protect it from these attacks when they come?
Problems that are ignored rather than resolved with the hope that they will end, will resurface. Relationship problems are not like wine. They do not get better with time, so be smart and deal with them now.
Marriage is like a business. You cannot get married without a goal or wanting to see results.
When two people think about marriage, they are actually thinking about goals, about making their dreams come true; like starting a family, having children, making both of you happy, living with the person you love for the rest of your life and feeling loved, building a financial future together, enjoying great physical intimacy and so forth.
Unfortunately many couples do not think like this. They are caught up in their busy lives, they get lost in emotion and quickly lose sight of why they got married in the first place. Once they forget their goals, the decisions they make and the things they do no longer contribute to the happiness and success of the marriage.
Songs of Solomon 2:15 says, “Catch for us the foxes, the little foxes that ruin the vineyard, our vineyards that are in bloom.”
The little foxes are an example of the kinds of problems that can disturb or destroy a relationship.
You must desire to have anything that could potentially cause problems between the two of you removed. They must not be minimised or ignored but must be identified so that, together, you can deal with them. In any relationship, conflicts are inevitable.
The fact that each of us is a unique person will lead to conflicts. Be realistic and recognise that disagreements are part of marriages. When a couple marries two cultures come together. Each brings into the marriage different upbringings, values, habits, temperaments and expectations!
Marital conflicts assume different forms. Most often there are skirmishes fought in subtle ways; verbal abuse, stoic silence, public criticism, sarcastic remarks, indifference.
Occasionally they deteriorate into an all-out war. Conflicts are not necessarily bad or sinful. What is important is how the conflict is handled. The way these problems are handled determines to a large extent the success of the marriage.
When used constructively it can enhance communication and deepen understanding that can strengthen and solidify a marriage.
Don’t go to bed with an unresolved issue between you and your spouse. Make it a point not to allow problems to fester. They say that time heals all wounds, but this is hardly true. An open wound only gets worse with time.
The “little foxes” are fragile, small and seemingly harmless. They feed off silence and indifference and little by little destroy the vineyard. If no one does anything about them, as little as they are, after some time you will discover all your labour is destroyed and there will be no harvest. The sooner you kill them, the less the damage they cause.
It’s easy to know whether or not you have killed your little foxes. If you are sleeping with your back to each other or in separate rooms it means that the issue is unresolved.
Don’t be insensitive. Value your marriage, commit yourselves to resolve problems. It is both your responsibility. If you are the culprit, apologise; if you are the victim, learn to forgive.
Apostle Langton Charles Kanyati is the founder and president of Zoe Life Changing Ministries & Grace Unlimited Ministries. Email feedback to [email protected] and on WhatsApp number 0772987844.
