The Sunday Mail
Dr Rebecca Chisamba
Struggling to connect with deadbeat dad
I am a young man who is almost 30. I have written to you because I have a big problem. My parents separated when I was one and up until recently, I did not hear from my father.
I use my mother’s surname and I grew up knowing relatives from her side. My father stayed in the same neighbourhood as us all these years but never bothered to look for me. I had given up on him until recently when I was encouraged by those close to me to look for him. His excuses do not hold water and quite frankly, I do not see where we can go from here. Is it wrong to feel so little towards my father or must I give it more time?
Response
Your case is not unique and the feeling of resentment you have towards your father is normal considering he has been absent for most of your early life. He is in fact a stranger to you.
What did you expect to gain by reaching out? It is strange that he lived close by all these years, contributed nothing towards your upkeep and still makes excuses. He has questions to answer.
I would recommend counselling for both of you so that you try and explore all these unanswered questions. You are almost 30. You are an adult; the choice to create a relationship with your biological father or not is yours. I think you also need to ask your mother to fill in some of the blanks. I get the sense that you have been deprived of a lot of information that led to the separation. I wish you well and I hope you find the strength to resolve this issue.
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Trying to change my partner
Makadini amai? I am a 21-year-old boy dating a 20-year-old girl. She is moody and a terrible communicator. Often times she nods when I ask her a question and does not even bother to respond.
I spoke to her mother about this and she informed me that she is like that even at home. She said she would let her sister talk to her about this issue as she herself has given up.
I am told at times that if you are around the same age as your partner problems like this will happen. Even when she goes out on an errand, she does not notify me. When I try to speak to her about this, she says she needs a boyfriend and not a lecturer. How best can I solve this amai? I really like this girl.
Response
Ndiripo kana uriwadiwo. Let me start by commending you for the effort in working on your relationship. I can tell you really care about this young lady. Age is just a number and does not play a role in a relationship if both partners love and are committed to each other. The signs do not look good though. Her own mother has given up on her because of her bad attitude. She does not act like she cares about the relationship. Not communicating verbally and non-verbally is strange. You are young and you are trying to navigate the dating scene. Perhaps she is meant to show you what not to go after. Take your time and find a girl with the qualities you want and grow together. Do not let this moody girl rain on your parade. I hope she sees what a great guy you are before you move on. In relationships, at times no matter how hard you try you may figure out that you are not compatible. But rest assured on the premise that there is someone for everybody. You just have to keep searching.
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Hubby waiting on God
I am a woman aged 36 with two kids and my hubby is 33. We get along great despite the age gap. I am the only one gainfully employed in our household and it is straining me.
I am a low-level employee and my husband used to be a top earner at his former place of employment. He got fired after he crossed a line at work. We used to look after our parents and siblings but now we cannot afford to do so.
I have asked him to look for a job but he says he is not interested and wants to do his own thing. He spends most of his time at home reading the Bible and praying. He claims he is waiting for a sign from the Lord. His parents offered to get him a job and give some financial assistance, but he turned them down. I am even selling goods in my spare time just to make ends meet. What must I do to show him that I desperately need help?
Response
I am happy everything is fine on the relationship side of things and in my opinion, age is just a number.
For starters, your husband needs to understand that God helps those who help themselves. He must apply effort in everything he does if he wants it to bear fruit. It is good to have a visionary mindset, but right now he is not running his “own thing”.
I am not sure of what got him fired but I hope it does not prohibit him from getting a job elsewhere, and it seems he is bitter over something.
Counselling could be an option. Continue to talk to his parents and get him to listen.
If you are financially strained, then it is in his best interest to assist. I see no problem in letting his parents help out, especially for the welfare of the children.
He may get angry at you and act out but telling him how hard it is for you is the only way to make him see sense. I hope he stops being stubborn. I would be happy to hear from you again.
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