Family thinks I am loaded

Mudzimba with Mai Chisamba

DEAR Amai, I hope I find you well. I am married to a very intelligent woman.

When we got married, she had just passed her Advanced Level examinations with flying colours and I felt obligated to put her through college.

My family had discouraged me from sending a spouse to school, saying she would dump me after getting her degree.

She has done well.

She is gainfully employed and we are a very happy family. We have been blessed with two kids, a boy and a girl.

My mother and brother are up in arms with me. They want me to pay fees for one of my brother’s children as I did for my wife. My brother and his wife both work and can run their own household affairs.

Nowadays, we only talk when it is necessary. This is affecting me badly because these are close members of my family. I cannot commit myself to paying fees for another child. I have children of my own and other things to take care of.

Amai, how do I solve this without causing more tension?

Response
Dear writer, I am very well and thank you for asking. Let me congratulate you for putting your wife through college. She is your better half and you share whatever benefits she brings to the table. I do not think what your mother and brother are doing is fair. They are painting each person put through school by their spouse with the same brush.

They cannot compare your wife with your nieces and nephews because they are not your direct responsibility. You are not obliged to pay fees for them unless it is your choice.

You did not say anything about your father; is he still alive? I suggest you sit down as a family and have a candid talk about what is going on.

You can also bring a representative from your mother’s family to attend this meeting and open up about what is hurting you.

If you are not happy, you can engage the services of a counsellor. I wish you all the best.

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I was taken for a ride

I am a 26-year-old vendor. I do whatever activity brings food on the table. My family and friends call me Mr Hustler. I am a very smart person and I have the looks to go with it. I left my parents’ home last year so that I could become independent.

I rent a two-roomed cottage and I am very comfortable. I dated a lady who works as a teacher for the past two years. We were madly in love. I gave her my heart and invested so much in her.

I always wondered why she wanted us to keep our relationship a secret and she insisted that she was a very private person.

I respected that.

Last month, I talked about my intention to get married and take our relationship to the next level. I thought this would be met with a broad smile.

To my surprise, she was upset and told me to my face that I was not her type.

Amai, I felt as if the world was closing in on me. I want her to pay for all the things I bought her in the form of girls. She should also repay the money I gave her. How do I recover what is truly mine?

Response

Dear writer, thank you for writing in and for being a hard worker. It is very unfortunate that your relationship ended abruptly and unceremoniously.

Dating is supposed to be the time when you look for red flags and check for compatibility.

This exercise is not as easy as it sounds because people quickly get carried away when they are in love.

From your communication, I can see a big red flag. I do not know how you missed it because it looked obvious.

Why did this girl want to keep your relationship a secret? Prior to the day you broke up, did you ever hint that you would want to get married? Dating is not just about exchanging girls and having fun.

Occasionally, you talk about where things are headed. I sympathise with you but you cannot claim what you gave away as girls during your relationship.

She did not steal from you. You willingly gave her presents, even if she asked for these favours. It is just unfortunate because you cannot recover the time wasted. My advice is for you to close this ugly chapter and move on. It may be difficult now but it shall be well.

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I want to be a second wife

I am a young lady aged 27 and madly in love with a married man. I fell for him because he said he was looking for a youthful wife. He promised to introduce me to his wife, but this is taking forever, and it seems he is scared of her.

My mother says she is not comfortable with this relationship, but she accepts groceries and the money this guy brings.

I did not do well at school and menial jobs are not my cup of tea. I am either at home or hanging out with my friends. A fortnight ago, one of my friends spilled the beans and several people in our neighbourhood now know, including my no-nonsense father.

My dad is very angry with me and mum. He drove us to our rural home and never spoke to us during the entire trip.

He says he will ask us to come back when he is ready to have a family meeting with us. He has since communicated this to tete, his sister, and it is not looking good. The guy has stopped all communication with me.

Amai, what do you think about this?

Response

Your letter made my reading very sad. I will be very frank with you because I think the route you are taking is not good for you and those close to you.

I think this married person is wasting your time and gradually destroying his marriage. You are young and full of potential. Why do you not value yourself? You want to be a second wife at 27 not out of love but out of poverty.

Currently, you need to strive to be self-sufficient. I think this person does not have any serious intentions.

If he wants to make you his second wife, why did he go quiet when your friend spilled the beans? He should have stood up for you. It is even more heart-breaking to think your mother, a person who should give you guidance, is also entangled in this mess with you.

Your father’s stance may spell danger for your mum and the family at large.

He feels betrayed and embarrassed that his family entertained a married man for the sake of groceries.

Apologise earnestly to him and work on being self-sufficient and living within your means.

I wish you all the best.