July 30 cometh: What happens to Chamisa’s 18 year-old sister?

DEUTERONOMY 1 vs 13 says: “Choose for your tribes wise, understanding, and experienced men, and I will appoint them as your heads.” As Zimbabweans go to vote tomorrow, their choice is very simple: They will be choosing a wise, understanding and experienced men.

Rugare vanhu vaMwari!

With Deuteronomy in mind, let the sermon begin. Little Chamisa’s 18 year-old sister should really be worried. The D-Day is tomorrow and indications are that the young girl should start packing her bags. Mwana akaroodzwa nenjuga dzepolitics. Civil rights champion, Martin Luther King Jnr would say: “Nothing is more dangerous than sincere  ignorance and conscientious stupidity.”

Former British Prime Minister Winston Churchill would add: “Play the game for more than you can afford to lose. Only then will you learn the game.” There is a dangerous cocktail of sincere  ignorance and conscientious stupidity, mixed with the inability to know kuti hwandamwa hwakwana. Little Chamisa has only himself to blame.

In case you think your Bishop has been smoking something, this is what little Chamisa said a few months ago:  “If Mnangagwa wins 5% in a free election, I will give him my sister. I have a sister who just turned 18 and looking for a husband. I’m betting on this because I know it won’t happen.”

A reckless statement if you ask me, but then tomfoolery is being dished in drums these days in the opposition yard. And just to ensure that young sister goes zvakanaka pasina nharo, little Chamisa has come up with a grand plan. Screaming about the grand plan, one of the easily excitable daily newspapers said: “MDC ropes in anti-rigging experts,” while another gullible daily told its readers that; “Power transfer deal sealed: Chamisa.”

With Chamisa’s anti-rigging experts in town, there is no way ED can rig these elections and so if ED wins, little Chamisa’s young sister anenge ayenda feya-feya. Sounds like one hell of a good deal to me!

German-born theoretical physicist, Albert Einstein was spot on when he observed that: “Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I’m not sure about the former.” Cry my beloved Zimbabwe as we wait for the Second Republic!

Those with wild imaginations when they see headlines screaming that, “MDC ropes in anti-rigging experts” would think some gigantic spaceship landed at the Robert Gabriel Mugabe International Airport in the middle of the night, offloading these gigantic “anti-rigging experts” before taking off back to space. These anti-rigging experts are supposed to be intimidating and menacing, leaving President Mnangagwa shivering like a reed in the middle of a flowing river.

Harare lawyer, Thabani Mpofu sounding like one of these gigantic anti-rigging experts even had the temerity to hold a press conference where he declared that: “We have put together all necessary legal strategies and instruments to ensure that your vote counts and is secured…A transitional framework, one which cannot fail, has also been put in place. To that end, I wish to assure you, on my name and honour, that I and our legal team are going to superintend over the imminent smooth transfer of power to the incoming president,”

Upcoming ZBC-TV reporter Rodrick Mashingaidze attended that press conference and was bamboozled by the hot air from Thabani Mpofu. “You have been standing there, saying a lot but I don’t seem to get exactly what you are saying. What exactly are you saying?” Mpofu tried to explain, but still he was not saying exactly what he was saying.

They say: “Actions prove who someone is, words just prove who they want to be.” All that mumbo-jumbo by the clueless Mpofu was nothing, but little Chamisa just proving who he wants to be. Anti-rigging experts? A transitional framework? Kikikikiki, kikikikikiki! UThabani futi madoda? With lawyers like Thabani Mpofu, never ever commit a crime.

But hey, dear congregants, let’s give it to the little boy — he has been running on empty for months, but still gave some fight. Silly and immature fight which boiled down to an obsession with the Zimbabwe Electoral Commission as if Justice Priscilla Chigumba had joined the presidential race. Nekutotyityidzira wena!

“We are not going to repeat the mistake of 2013; we would rather be in the grave or in prison if they go ahead (with the elections without reforms). I am a young man and have youth on my side, I am prepared to go all the way,” declared little Chamisa a few weeks ago.

Some thought hey, leyi hindoda sibili. Little Chamisa even threatened to hold what he called night vigils at the ZEC offices. The opposition hoodlums were excited. Why not? The night vigils took them back to the days of “Wapusa-Wapusa” where dirty things of the night happened. Charlton Hwende, this boy has been away for too long and so when he misfires please bear with him, got over-excited and wrote on his twitter account:

“Those who want to donate water, firewood, mobile toilets, blankets and food for the one man one vote night vigils and demonstrations please get in touch with our organising department. This coming week is a week of action.” Bishop Lazarus laughed his lungs out. Ana Hwende? Kikikikiki, kikikikiki tibvigwepo!

Anyway, as we all know, the supposed week of action turned into a weak of cowardice. Little Chamisa sold the “struggle” as he made a stunning somersault calling off the planned night vigils at the ZEC offices. He declared that the elections were going ahead as if anyone with the mandate had ever said the elections were off. Sekuru vangu Matope (May his soul rest in peace) would sing in a hoarse voice: “Uchizvibvunza, uchizvipindura!”

You should have seen little Chamisa’s swollen face as he climbed down gomo remanyemwe. Reality inoita kuwatsura mbama. Face kusara yachena kuti zhweee! Munhu kuita mupfumbu nenyadzi. When we were young there is a song we used to sing during such times: “Akuda kuchema, asina kumborohwa! Akuda kuchema, asina kumborohwa!”

Meanwhile, ZEC hasn’t moved an inch. Justice Chigumba kuti zete zvavo. “It’s all systems go for the elections,” she declared as if to spite little Chamisa.

But hold on vanhu vamwari. Little Chamisa had managed to pull a fast one on his supporters.

The little boy had mastered the art that language has at its core, a political dimension. He deployed language swiftly to cover up for the lack of funds, structures, strategy and ideology. His supporters actually believed that spaghetti roads would be all over the country within a few weeks.

Little Chamisa’s command for language production and its transmission, covered up his plethora of weaknesses. He said what his supporters wanted to hear and they jumped up like little kids wanting to hear more of the same. And he gave them the same. And they went wild. “Tinodira jecha musadza! Hayivhiyiwi! Haridyiwi!” Chamisa thundered and his supporters went wild.

That is the power of language. Even when little Chamisa preached violence during his rallies and later knelt down to pray for peace, his supporters actually thought he was been holy and serious. “The source of power of language is its function as a transmission mechanism of culture or more importantly its role in the formation of individual and social identities,” students of social sciences will tell you. Through the power of language, little Chamisa created himself as a “little hero” for the opposition supporters and he created a culture where the message is not the matter, the matter is the messenger. No wonder why, debating issues with opposition supporters is a sheer waste of time. It’s Chamisa this and Chamisa that. Kuti ko arikumboti chinyi Chamisa wacho, hwaba, hapana anoziva.

The tragedy of opposition politics — they know who Chamisa is, they know what he doesn’t like, they know his jokes, but they don’t know what he stands for. In fact they don’t care what he stands for as long as he is standing.

But even as he spoke during the rallies, little Chamisa never convinced the sober-minded that he is a serious politician. All you could see was an excitable but unstable young man twiddling with verbosity spiced with pomposity. His voice lacked authority, his body language lacked conviction. As Vice President Chiwenga said, little Chamisa is failing to grow out of student activism.

Anyway, kuhumana kwese kunopera mangwana. The time for cheap talk is over. The time for thinking that votes can miraculously migrate on the ballot box, from little Chamisa to President Mnangagwa is over. The time for twitter politics is over. The time for booze is over. Demonstrations don’t vote.

Handiti munoziva henyu kuti kana mumba manga munejakwara, the next day munotsvairwa? Sekuru vangu Matope wainzwa vodeedzera, “rova dhongi newaya!” Little Chamisa has given us assurance that his anti- rigging experts are in town. And so tomorrow’s result won’t be contested.

In case little Chamisa and his ill-advised lawyer Thabani Mpofu get mixed up after tomorrow and start acting reckless and irresponsible — Romans 13 vs 1-14 should guide them accordingly: It says:

“Let every person be subject to the governing authorities. For there is no authority except from God, and those that exist have been instituted by God. Therefore whoever resists the authorities resists what God has appointed, and those who resist will incur judgment.

“For rulers are not a terror to good conduct, but to bad. Would you have no fear of the one who is in authority? Then do what is good, and you will receive his approval, for he is God’s servant for your good. But if you do wrong, be afraid, for he does not bear the sword in vain. For he is the servant of God, an avenger who carries out God’s wrath on the wrongdoer. Therefore one must be in subjection, not only to avoid God’s wrath but also for the sake of conscience.”

“If you do wrong, be afraid, for he does not bear the sword in vain!” Batisisai shoko iri vadikani!

Happy voting dear congregants! I smell a Second Republic! By this time, surely little Chamisa’s 18 year-old sister must have finished packing her bags? Kwanzi varoodza mwana achimudiki!

Bishop is out!