The Sunday Mail
I am a 40-year-old man, married to a 37-year-old woman. We are blessed with two sons. When we got married we had O-Level qualifications only but my wife has improved herself in terms of education. She is now degreed.
She has a better job and she brings home more money. We are still very much in love but she has become very controlling especially with the budget issues. She now dictates what projects should be done and who gets what and so on. This is giving me a lot of discomfort.
I know where she keeps the money at home but I cannot touch it until she authorises it. Last week my brother came home, he was not feeling well and needed money because his medical aid would not cover the medication he needed. I felt sorry and gave him the $500 he needed to get his pills. I then told my wife that I had helped my brother.
Amai, all hell broke loose, ndakashurwa. I assured her that I would pay back that money when I got paid but she would not have it. She phoned my brother instructing him to bring back the money. I have never been so embarrassed in my whole life.
My brother and wife had to sell their TV cheaply in order to pay her back. To my surprise she took the money and gave me a very stern warning. I want to opt out. I am on the edge, I cannot live like this. How do I do it without hurting my two sons? I am very angry. We are not talking, I am using public transport instead of the car she bought me.
Response
You said you are very much in love with your spouse but towards the end of your letter you jumped off the rails. People view issues from different perspectives. There is a lot that is lacking in your marriage. Spouses who are genuinely in love empathise with each other.
Your wife maintained her stance even when you told her that you would pay it back. She did not even wait for your brother to get better and then pursue her debt. That was very heartless of her.
I am not saying what you did was right or wrong because I do not know the politics in your marriage. In functional marriages people budget together and share all they have together. I am sorry your brother and his wife had to sell their TV over this. These days people have to assess their medical aid companies before they just join. That was a big letdown for your brother. Despite everything that we are talking about I want to call a spade a spade and say congratulations to your wife for improving herself academically.
How did you lag behind? This should have inspired you. Learning does not end; you can start today. Now the million-dollar question is; are you really ready to quit? I think you feel exposed and really angry. You did not say you lost your feelings for her. I urge you to engage a professional counsellor first. You need to pour out. You sound like a good father who does not want his children to suffer.
Your wife should go through this as well because she is in a one-man band. You are her husband and better half despite what you lack. Being bossy and controlling has no room in a functional marriage. I would be happy to hear from you again.
Future in-laws casting dark cloud on relationship
I am a 24-year-old lady and I am in love with a 26-year-old guy. We have been dating for the past two years and our relationship is getting stronger by the day. We are planning to get married by the end of this year. My parents and relatives have accepted my boyfriend and he feels comfortable amongst them. My problem is nobody seems to like me from his side except his great-grandmother.
The bad influence is his eldest sister who is also friends with his ex-flame. I do not know about his father, he does not say anything about him at all. He is so henpecked and has been reduced to an onlooker. The mother does everything, baba just rubber stamps what amai says. I told my parents about this, to tell the truth they are so sceptical about me joining such a family. I love my boyfriend and he loves me too but thinking about his family gives me a headache.
The mother and the elder sister have his ex-flame as their profile picture. When I go to visit my boyfriend they invite her as well and start talking and laughing just to make me feel stupid. Please help, should I carry on with my man or forget about him and his people? He has told his people that they are wasting their time if they think he will reconcile with his ex.
Response
I am happy for you, if your love is growing from strength to strength. A supportive family gives you the confidence to carry on. I see you do not know whether to carry on or not because of the animosity you are receiving from your boyfriend’s family.
The most important thing is that your boyfriend loves you and you are planning on spending the rest of your lives together. What you should bear in mind is in life we do not pay for sin in the same coin. Leave them alone and mind your business and be careful not to cross their paths. Visiting your boyfriend’s home is not an option, try as much as possible to avoid going there. Having his ex-flame as their profile image is just mean and does not make any sense at all.
Love is a very powerful weapon. Do not lose sleep over their wayward behaviour. Silence is golden. Your calmness will make them eventually cool down. I am sure they are doing all this to try and elicit a response. I think you should also go to your tete’s place with your boyfriend so that he assures your family that he will stand by your side through thick and thin. I would be happy to hear from you again. Pray for your relationship and for them, there is immense power in prayer.
Does education come with a price?
I am currently employed as a full-time housemaid but my wish is to be a beauty therapist. I come from a poor background and cannot raise enough money for the fees. My boyfriend takes good care of me and he helps me out. I asked him to pay $450 fees for me to go and train as a beauty therapist but he says the condition is I go to stay with him first.
Amai, he even showed me the full amount but said until this condition is met he will not budge. Please help me, I am not thinking straight. I feel like agreeing to his condition. I cannot be a housemaid for the rest of my life. I want to better myself.
Response
Your letter does not show the maturity that is expected of a major, you definitely need help. To my readers before you write to me, try and furnish me with all the information that can help me advise you. I do not work on assumptions because this can distort the truth. You sound like a loner, you did not say anything about your background except for describing it as harsh.
Where are your parents and relatives? How can you be at the mercy of your boyfriend? Going to stay with him now may change a lot of things because there are so many implications. Do not start your path to success nekuchaya mapoto. Weigh your options, you cannot sacrifice your life because of $450.
He has got the money but does he love you enough to commit and make you a wife? Lastly, if everything was in order would you fall for this? Working as a maid is only a stepping stone; make the best out of it. I feel you are too young to let yourself down like that. If this guy loved you he would help you without giving conditions. I do not think it is a good idea to go and stay with this guy or to keep seeing him.
◆ Write to: [email protected], WhatsApp 0771415747
