The Sunday Mail
The nature of Bishop Lazi’s job, which often involves endlessly counselling the stricken, the infirm, the indisposed and the emotionally wounded, naturally makes him a couch potato, especially during the evening when he finds time to steam off.
Not surprisingly, he finds soccer very therapeutic.
Thanks to switch-freaks at Zesa, this now means night vigils to watch the ongoing African Cup of Nations (AFCON) tournament in Egypt.
Those addicted to television binge-watching know that this leisurely act is now a short-time nocturnal ritual.
No doubt today the Bishop will be watching the round of 16 matches — Zesa and God permitting — particularly the duel between the Rhumba boys (DRC) and the islanders (Madagascar).
But also gawking at the TV screens together with fellow soccer junkies will be a curious pair of eyes from our own warriors, who ordinarily are the ones who should be facing Madagascar today. Kikiki.
Now, this reminds me of that 1997 American Hollywood blockbuster called Con Air, whose storyline revolves around a group of dangerous convicts — ‘D’-class convicts if it were in Zimbabwe — who had hijacked a plane to buy their way to freedom.
There is a moment in that movie when the ecstatic convicts, who had successfully pulled off the daring plot, began revelling mid-air to the sounds of “Sweet Home Alabama”, a song that had been popularised by an American rock band that was cryptically named Lynyrd Skynyrd.
Apparently disgusted by this premature show of vulgarity and revelry, a contemptuous and nonchalant Garland Greene — a character played by the inimitable Steve Buscemi — then made a poignant remark to ominously describe the untimely merrymaking.
“Define irony: a bunch of idiots dancing around on a plane to a song made famous by a band that died in a plane crash,” he said.
And, yes, the rock band Lynyrd Skynyrd did indeed perish in a plane crash on October 20 1977 near Mississippi in the United States.
The irony could as well describe our own “Warriors”: a bunch of wannabes huddled behind their TV screens to watch a football match that they are supposed to be playing.
As the frenetic blame-shifting in the aftermath of the farcical outing by the Warriors in Egypt continues, Bishop Lazi would be happy to contribute his pious 2 cents (bond coins) to the issue.
We really have to be truthful to ourselves.
Proverbs 12:17 says “an honest witness tells the truth, and a false witness tells lies.”
And as Amilcar Cabral, the eminent West African thinker once said, “Tell no lies. Expose lies whenever they are told. Mask no difficulties, mistakes, failures. Claim no easy victories…”
We are simply not good enough. No, our systems are simply not good enough.
Soccer is a multi-billion dollar industry whose objective is to produce the strongest, competitive human specimen.
And this is necessarily a science.
Producing a supreme athlete involves working on both their hardware (body) and software (mind) and ensuring that they are in the best of shape.
This is why the top leagues of the world football looks as choreographed as a movie, because it is; this is also why it looks as rehearsed as a military parade, because it is.
This is what makes it an industry, whose dichotomy includes players like Khama Billiat, who are paid whatever peanuts they get from South Africa, on one side of the scale, and Mr Cristiano Ronaldo, who is paid more than US$500 000 per week for his exploits, on the other.
If there aren’t superstructures to breed this archetypal preternatural athletes, you will end up with fallible worldly beings like Elvis Chipezeze. Kikikiki.
Like Thomas the disciple, Bishop Lazi would have to see with his own eyes that, that chap doesn’t have prosthetic hands.
To err once might be a mistake, but to err twice, and even thrice, in the same match is being criminally incompetent.
And that sprightly cat-like dive to the wrong end of a Cedric Bakambu penalty kick was as laughable as it was flabbergasting.
Chipezeze is really a poor man’s version of either Japhet “the short-cat” Mparutsa or Bruce Grobbelaar.
When we were growing up, we would always be reminded not to playfully hold a dog’s tail as it would most likely lead to a propensity to drop things, and this chap surely must have broken this taboo.
So, we really need to look at the local conveyor belt which is spawning the Chipezeze’s of local sport.
Sport, just like everything in life, has become scientific; perhaps too scientific.
During a meeting with then Czech President Gustav Husak on September 5 1988 Deng Xiaoping — who is regarded as the father of the Chinese economic miracle — put forward the famous theory: “Science and technology are primary productive forces.”
You see, Bishop Lazarus is like John the Baptist, who always does God’s bidding.
For quite some time he has been telling you that repent for Judgment Day is just around the corner.
Cursed are a heedless generation.
I have always been saying that the old Zacc (Zimbabwe Anti-Corruption Commission) shouldn’t be sanitised by calling it a toothless bulldog for it was nothing more than a toothless Chihuahua.
Although Auditor-General Mildred Chiri — God bless that woman — has been continually casting light on the Chipezeze’s in our public entities, who over the years, by acts of omission and commission, or both, have proven to be criminally incompetent, Zacc left these gremlins to continue roaming in the employ of our public service.
But soon and very soon there will be gnashing of teeth.
Even those holier-than-thou comrades outside Government who complain about corruption during the day while being the high priests of the same vice at night must stand warned.
The coming tempest would indiscriminately shake every root and branch.
A lot of developments have been happening behind the scenes — Zacc, Sacu and the Micro Finance Bill.
You need to listen carefully to what the new sheriff at the corruption-busting unit was saying last week.
The time for the Chihuahua is now gone, and now it is time for the Rottweiler.
It would become as Matthew 24:40-42 prophesies: “Then there shall be two men in the field; one will be taken, and one will be left. Two women will be grinding at the mill; one will be taken, and one will be left. Therefore be on the alert, for you do not know which day your Lord is coming.”
Blessed are those who take heed.
All these things will definitely come to pass or my name is not Bishop Lazarus.