The Sunday Mail
AFTER writing my previous articles, I have had lots of feedback from young people who wanted to know how to choose the right mate or partner. They were all of the view that not making the right choice will result in them also becoming a statistic in this time and age of marital failure.
Apostle Kanyati – Matrimonial Hub
Many people though, spend much time planning for a great wedding but little time preparing for a long lasting marriage. While it is good to emulate or supersede our friends who have had a talked- about wedding, your focus must be on how to have a wonderful marriage.
The first step even after you have prayed for a partner is to ensure that you give enough time for your pre- marital counselling sessions. Do not be too busy planning for your wedding at the expense of having counselling programmes. Pastors may sometimes put aside any other business in order to accommodate you only to receive calls that those planning to wed are too busy. It’s a recipe for a disastrous marriage.
This week let’s look at the qualities to look for in a partner. If you have been involved with your mate for some time, you may already know the answers to some of them. Evaluate yourself and your own qualities as well, as it takes both of you for your relationship to work.
A commitment to personal growth is one of the most important traits to seek in a partner. Finding someone with this characteristic will help you avoid many of the problems couples face: one person wants to work on the relationship and the other doesn’t. One partner tries to talk about issues and the other refuses;the other person sees areas that need improvement and the other is in denial.
Your partner and yourself must be committed to learning everything you can about how to be a better a person and a better spouse.
When both of you place a high value on personal transformation, your relationship is guaranteed to work out for the best. Whether it’s a small conflict or a big one, a good partner should be willing to use everything in the relationship to learn more about becoming more loving and compassionate. So many relationships experience crisis when one partner recognises the need for improvement and the other refuses to participate. There is no way a relationship can work if one partner refuses to seek help when necessary.
One’s childhood programming or emotional baggage brought into the relationship is not what destroys the marriage but the denial of them. I don’t mean to say that your partner need to be an expert in these problem areas. But at least he or she must be open to understanding more about why they are the way they are and acknowledge that they are coming into the relationship with some emotional challenges. This quality of humility and lack of pride will help to keep your partnership from turning into a battleground.
The second quality is emotional openness. A partner in an intimate relationship must identify and share his or her feelings with you. An intimate relationship is not based on sharing a home or a bed but feelings. Staying in a relationship with a person who cannot share feelings is a form of self- punishment.
Emotional generosity is another way to describe emotional openness. Some people are generous with their money, others with their time but it’s so important to find a partner who is generous with his or her love. Generosity means to give freely, abundantly and without restriction. This means a mate who tells you how much he loves you and shows you how much he appreciates you.
May your partner show you his or her love and appreciation on a consistent basis. Emotional openness in a partner gives you access to his or her inner world. That’s their way of offering you the key to their heart and that’s the true fulfilment of the promise you make when you decide to be together.
Honesty, integrity and trustworthiness are essential ingredients for a healthy relationship. Knowing that you can count on your partner to be truthful with you at all times will give you a tremendous sense of security. On the other hand, if you live in constant fear that your partner is somehow lying or cheating on you, it will be next to impossible to relax in the relationship. The long-term effects of loving someone you don’t trust are devastating both to your self-esteem and to your love affair.
As such, not telling the truth is the most significant way couples kill passion and destroy their intimacy. A partner, who is honest, will not hide parts of his life or personality from you. He or she will not tell you only what you want to hear in order to protect himself or herself.
Fourth is maturity and responsibility. Responsibility means doing what you say you are going to do. It means remembering to pay the bills, keeping your promises, showing up on time and not letting people down. Responsibility is not saying you are responsible but acting irresponsibly. It isn’t a concept, it’s an action. Part of maturity is being responsible and being accountable.
When you find a partner who is irresponsible, you have in a sense stumbled upon a child in an adult relationship. Everyone deserves to be loved but not everyone is ready for the responsibility that goes along with an adult relationship. Mature people respect your feelings, your time, your boundaries and other people’s feelings. There are people who just aren’t ready to be in a committed relationship. Indeed they may be lovable but if they haven’t reached a certain level of maturity it will not work. That’s the reason why it is wrong to force under-age girls into marriage. Marriage isn’t a play but a life-long relationship. Only the mature should get into it.
The last quality is a positive attitude towards life. Positive people always focus on finding the solution. They turn obstacles into opportunities and adversity into lessons. Negative people on the other side always focus on the problems and resist solutions, blame others for their mistakes and do not trust easily. Love is a positive force.
It thrives in an atmosphere of positivity and starves in an atmosphere of negativity. That’s why it is so important for your partner to have a positive attitude. Relationships are much easier when your partner is a positive person. You work through conflict faster and there is less blame and more cooperation.
Apostle Kanyati is the founder and president of Zoe Life Changing Ministries and Grace Unlimited Ministries. Email:[email protected], whatsApp:0772 987 844.
