The Sunday Mail
I am a girl aged 19 and I am currently in a relationship with an average looking guy. I love him so much and I would do anything for him. Things are serious between us and I really would love to spend the rest of my life with him. My problem stems from the fact that there is an unknown caller who is calling me on my mobile phone and my landline at home constantly. It is getting me worried. Last time he called and gave a suspicious name to my boyfriend when he answered the phone for me. I was with him at the time and got disturbed about it. Could it be my ex-boyfriend? We broke up when I had already begun dating my current boyfriend. Long distance was the reason why we chose to call it quits. What advice would you give me? I would really want my current relationship to survive.
Response
Hello and thank you for writing in. You described the man you would like to spend the rest of your life with as an average looking man. Looks are not everything and I find it a bit weird, but everyone is entitled to their opinion. As I always say there is nothing secret about whatever happens over the phone.
There is a ghost caller phoning you and disturbing your peace. Please do not entertain this criminal, it is against the law. Report him to the law enforcement agencies, he should be brought to book. Calls can be traced. The other thing that I want you to bear in mind is that you must not double-cross lovers. At some point you were dating two guys at the same time. Love is about trust, so if this guy discovers that you cheated on him you run the risk of losing your current boyfriend. Do not say much about your ex because he has nothing to do with what is on the ground now. He may not even be the mysterious caller. Do not rush it, take it easy until the love blossoms into marriage. Do not be in a hurry, things will always work themselves out. I wish you all the best.
Hubby refusing to reform
I am a 22-year-old lady. I got married in October 2018. My husband drinks a lot of alcohol. During the first six months of marriage, he abused me both physically and emotionally whenever he came home. He drank so much to the point where I could not keep up with it. I engaged the elders from both families and ended up separating from him for four months, as there were also issues of infidelity. During the separation many people tried to help us — from professional counsellors to parents and friends.
In October 2019, I decided to give him another chance. I did so without engaging the elders. I told him I wanted to see the changes first then I would involve the rest of the family later if it worked. He still drinks, but he does not beat me anymore. The cheating has not stopped. At times, he comes home around 3am. One day he acts as if he wants this marriage then another day he is totally the opposite. Members from my family no longer want me to stay in this marriage. I want my marriage and I love this man, but I am not happy.
Response
Your letter left me in great disbelief. After only six months into the marriage all hell broke loose. What on earth is that? The first few years of your marriage are supposed be the romantic stages. It is very sad and most unusual that your first separation was before your first anniversary. It is a big red flag. For how long did you date this guy before you tied the knot? His character is extremely awful, a combination of cheating and drinking can be disastrous. In the wake of STIs it is just unacceptable. You may have tried professional counsellors, family and friends, but it did not yield any results. There is nothing to write home about, that is why people from your side no longer want this marriage. Can you not see that they fear for you?
Coming home at 3am is just as good as not sleeping at home. You are not on the same page with your hubby, that is why he keeps moving goalposts. You love him and you want your marriage to work. Unfortunately, this will not be unless he changes his behaviour, which by the way is proving to be very problematic. As of now, all I can say is you are playing with fire, wake up and smell the coffee. In the unlikely event that your hubby turns over a new leaf, maybe something can be salvaged. Otherwise, there is nothing for you in this union if the truth to be told. Please keep me posted.
Married to a tyrant
Amai I am married to a tyrant. We have been together for close to 30 years now. I married my husband out of pure love after several people had warned me that he was an abuser and selfish man. His first marriage did not last for two years although they had a son with the former wife. We have been blessed with three sons who are all grown up. For three decades I endured, it has never been easy. My husband is foul mouthed, he does not care whether I am hurt or not. I do not even like the way he treats our children. I am treated like a minor, I am insulted in front of visitors most of the time. The children complain about the treatment I am given since they are now majors, but they too are belittled. He has no respect for anyone except his parents. We are sometimes forced to watch the television channel he prefers. No one can touch the remote control when he is around. When he is angry he tears the whole place apart and we are always threatened with eviction from the house. We go to church, but I do not think it is helping in any way.
I have never enjoyed this marriage, but I cannot blame anyone because I was warned. I have gone through different types of abuse, from being beaten up to sleeping on the verandah. I am writing to you now because I have had enough. How do I opt out without causing chaos in our home? I no longer love this monster. I want to open a new page in my life and start living.
Response
Love is a very complex subject and it can be very difficult to understand. It is a game of emotions. You went into this marriage fully aware of what to expect. Your reason was that you loved him and that is noble. Marriage is about love, respect and commitment. This, however, should be reciprocal, it takes two to tango. I suspect that when you got into this union you were blinded by love and you thought things would change for the better. However, I am saddened by the fact that you suffered for 30 years without doing anything to stop the abuse. There are laws you should have used to protect yourself.
Time is money and when it is gone you cannot recover it. This is terrible for a home with children because it takes a toll on them and affects their future lives in many different ways. Your husband needs help, I think he needs to go for anger management classes.
I urge you to seek a protection order as soon as possible. This will ensure peace in your home. You say you no longer love your husband so it means your marriage has lost its salt. Without it, there is no marriage. You cannot continue to be miserable. If push comes to shove, engage the services of a professional counsellor before you file for divorce. This is very unfortunate, but if there is no change then that is the only way to go. If he respects his parents why do they not chip in? I would be happy to hear from you again.
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