The Sunday Mail
WHAT A SECRET
Thank you, Mai Chisamba, I enjoy reading your column so much. I am a woman aged 22, well brought up and educated. A few weeks ago I discovered a family secret that almost brought my life to a halt. I discovered that the woman I called mum all my life is actually my step mother. Havana chakaipa chavakandiitira, as far as I am concerned she is a perfect amai, but why wasn’t I told?
My biological mother is still alive and married to another man. We met through hooks and crooks and I don’t want to talk about it. Vakanetsana nababa vangu vakaenda their separate ways. Ko hama dzamai vangu dzose dziripi? My heart is heavy, I have not spoken to anyone about this. Mai vandinogara navo vanotodaidzwa nerangu zita. How? Could this be true?
How do I talk to my parents about this? I am so scared, ko kana the other woman varivo mai vangu, what happens to the bond that I have namai vandigere navo? Ndiri kungofunga kuti asi chii chakanyanyoitika kuti zvidai. Is it possible for a group of people to keep a secret for 22 years? I don’t know what to do, please help.
Thank you for writing in. When you write to this column I advise that you furnish me with as much information as possible because it helps me to respond adequately. The key to this puzzle was for me to know how this so-called biological mother got in touch with you, unfortunately you don’t want to discuss that and I don’t want to give you unnecessary pressure. Yes your heart is heavy but you need to find out the truth now mazuva ano kuri kuitika zvakawanda. Vamwe vanhu havachanzwisisika. This could be just a joke or kunge zvine chitsotsi mukati kana kuve nechokwadi. You describe mai as perfect and at 22 you are a major, why don’t you speak to her one on one and just sound her out. I always say communication plays a major part in our lives be it in marriages, kumabasa, and in families.
You can choose to speak to baba first or both at the same time. Nyaya haidi ma emotions, inoda pore pore muchinzwanana muchibatsirana pakufunga. Technology yave pamusoro mazuva ano, kune humhizha unoshandiswa, you can go for DNA tests and before you know it your problem will be solved. Don’t be too anxious, let’s take one step at a time. Try and do what I have suggested then everything will fall into place. You asked about the possibility of people keeping secrets, yes other people take them to their graves, such is life. I don’t know why I just have a feeling kuti hapana nyaya, whatever it is zvichanaka. Be of good cheer and keep well.
Thank you, Mai Chisamba, for being there for us and thank you for your column. I have a big problem with my mother-in-law. This woman is just mean and ungrateful. I feel like giving up on her, she is very controlling ini handina kuroorwa nevarume vaviri. What breaks my heart is I buy groceries, clothes and do many other things for her, but she has never said thank you. Mai vangu vanondizvara kuvatengera just a loaf of bread vanotenda and nemoyo wese. I told my husband kuti ini handichada kuitira amai vake anything, but he just kept quiet. I don’t know kuti anonzwisisa here zvinoita mai vake.
Mai Chisamba, mai vane mabasa ava, pese panoungana vana vavo panotoita ma near fights, kutukana, mashoko asingaite, what a family? When they meet they drink alcoholic beverages and they always end up vanetsana. From now on I think I will boycott their get-together gatherings, I won’t even let my children go there. Kana murume achida anoenda ega pamwe ndiye akazvijaira. Money is hard to come by these days so it’s not fair kungotambira usingatende. Is this what marriage is about? I am stressed up I need help please.
Thank you so much for writing, I can feel your anger and I can tell that you were emotionally charged when you wrote this letter. Please relax, it’s not the end of the world. Instead of mourning about this family why don’t you bring about the change that you want to see. You are actually part and parcel of this dysfunctional family. Pane zvawakamboedza kuita here kunze kwekutsamwa? If you haven’t done anything about this then you are just as bad as the rest of them. Mhuri iyi ine maramba doro sekutaura kwako kuti vakangomwa mhosho yotanga. Why don’t you gradually organise these get-together meetings or whatever you call them without alcoholic beverages? Munogona kusiyanisa marongero pamwewo just invite the siblings without the parents and see how it ends.
You cannot stand aside and say mhuri iyi haiite, you should add value to your husband’s family. If you don’t do anything about it today, tomorrow this may indirectly affect your marriage saka une basa, I see you are very concerned about your mother-in-law’s lack of gratitude, shamwari usatsvage kuzvipa dambudziko pasina. Kutendwa sandicho chikonzero chatinopira.
We give because God expects us to do so and He is the only person who sees and knows our intentions. Don’t give up on her, carry on vaonewo kunaka kwekupa nekuti kunotendwa naMwari. Marriage is about true companionship, it’s a lifetime commitment. Kutukana, kutsamwisana, kushorana nekushungurudzana is the opposite of marriage. Vanhu havapinde muwanano kuti paitwe makwikwi ekunetsana. These fights with your mother-in-law will affect your husband more because he is now between the depth and the devil. Lastly I beg you, don’t drag the kids into this. For now try and sort this out, it may take a bit of time but will certainly work out. Good luck.
Mai Chisamba, thank you for your Sunday Mail column, we are enjoying it. Mine is a very disturbing problem. I stay in Kuwadzana. I am married and have three children. My neighbour is slightly younger, she has two kids. The good news is we are both landlords. I am self-employed, I run a flea market and I have a maid who helps out when I am not at home. Problem muvakidzani wangu anongosiira vana vake kune musikana wangu pasina kuronga neni.I am not happy and I don’t like this arrangement. Now she does not even ask the maid, akungobuda oudza vana kuti endai pa next door. At times the kids stay for breakfast or even lunch; this is becoming very heavy on my pocket and ko disrespect yekusakumbira. A few weeks ago one of her kids akabaiwa newire ari kwangu, she was very upset and told my maid kuti muchitarisa vana zvakanaka. Mai Chisamba, haasi mashura here akadai? My husband is not amused about this so he said tell this woman to stop sending her children here immediately or else he will go to speak with the husband. Ndomuudza sei? Izvi zvinotaridza kuti pfungwa dzake hadzidhonze. Hazvizoita muromo here izvi? Already this is putting a strain on us because these days I try as much as possible to avoid her, handigone kunyepera kufarira munhu when it’s not coming from the heart.
Thank you for writing in and thank you for enjoying our column.
Congratulations! Landlord, I know it feels good to be one as you rightfully say. Your issue is very simple and straight forward.
I go by what your husband says, inga zvakapusa wani.
Your neighbour is behaving irresponsibly, she cannot just push her children into someone’s homestead without prior arrangements, secondly she should appreciate that the maid is not the owner wemusha wenyu and she does not make such decisions unless she is told to do so.
How can she just go without preparing food for her kids, what a mother, what a shame?
Zivai kuti vana vanogona kukuvara kana kufa vakasatariswa nekuchengetedzwa zvakakwana. Cash talk breaks no friendship.
On the other hand she is abusing your maid because she does not ask for her services kana kumubhadhara nekuti kuwanda kwevana kuwanda kwebasa.
She is only human and she can only do so much. There is nothing wrong, just gather your courage and go and tell her.
Taurayi nenzira inovaka sekuti maid akaremerwa haazogona kubata vana zvakanaka, inga pane nyaya yeuyo akabaiwa newaya wani?
You wouldn’t want to lose your maid because of a neighbour, so gadzirisai, kamoto kambeverere kanopisa matanda mberi.
Last but not least, kana mari yazoita zvakanaka, ko kuisa gate rinokiiwa kuti mhuri dzichengeteke? Good luck.