The Sunday Mail
THE absence of romantic love is ranked as a major source of depression in many marriages, especially for women. While some men can be content with a kind of ‘business partnership’ in marriage, provided sexual privileges are part of the arrangement, women yearn to be the special sweethearts of their men, getting respect, appreciation and tender love.
Apostle Langton C Kanyati
Most men are satisfied as long as their wives prepare dinner each evening, are reasonably amiable and do not “nag” them during football seasons. To this kind of man, the romantic element is nice, but not necessary. However, this kind of surface relationship gets the wife frustrated, she desires something more meaningful.
This is why women often think about their husbands during the day.
It explains why the wedding anniversary is more important to them and why they get annoyed when the husbands forget about it. It explains why they are constantly reaching out for them when they are at home, trying to pull them out of the newspaper or television set.
Is it surprising then that loneliness, isolation and boredom have reached critical proportions? These are a result of the deterioration of relationships between husbands and wives.
One fellow said, “I just don’t understand my wife. She has everything she could possibly want. She has a good car, a well-furnished house, I gave her a lot of money to start her own business. I don’t drink and I have been faithful since we were married. But she is miserable and I don’t know why!”
He anticipated that his love-starved wife could trade these material things for a single expression of genuine tenderness from him. What he didn’t realise is that material things do not build self-esteem, but being somebody’s sweetheart most certainly does.
Unless we see the unique male and female perspectives on marriage and try to please each other, marriage may not be enjoyable as intended by God.
The emotional well-being of a wife is the specific responsibility of her husband.
Men, let us not ignore our God-given responsibility to care for the welfare of our families, to assume spiritual leadership, to discipline our children, to love, cherish and protect. There is certainly no room for selfishness in marriage.
Both husband and wife are to show love, respect and trust for one another, recognising the feeling and need of the other as being one with your own.
When one hurts, the other also hurts and works on ending the pain.
Wants and needs are supposed to be mutual in a marriage and the both of you should work on satisfying them.
If this simple prescription to a happy marriage was to be used religiously, we would have no need for divorce courts, alimony visiting rights, crushed children, broken hearts and shattered lives.
You are to strive to be best friends, this does not mean that you will never have differences of opinion. It does not mean that you are to float on a pink cloud of adolescent romanticism every day of your lives. It also does not mean that irritability and other human frailties have been conquered. Even though you have become “one person”, you operate on completely different thermostats.
The success of your marriage will not result from human perfection (remember no one is perfect), rather it will simply be a product of caring for the feelings, needs, and concerns of the other. It is from giving and not grabbing. It is of the highest priority to maintain a distinct element of dignity and self-respect throughout the husband-wife relationship. Unfortunately, many marriages suffer from a failure to recognise a universal characteristic of human nature.
We value that which we are fortunate to get, we discredit that which we are ‘stuck to’! We lust for the very thing which is beyond our grasp, we disdain that same item when it becomes a permanent possession. Indeed no toy is ever fun to play with as long as it is no longer on the store display window. Not even an expensive automobile provides the satisfaction anticipated by one who dreamt of owning it.
This principle is even more accurate in romantic affairs.
The intensity of a desire is dependent on the availability of the other. The moment this passionate dream materialises, one begins to ask themselves, “Is this what I really want?” They then begin to look around and gradually this will affect a happy marriage.
Self-respect and dignity must be maintained in the relationship. Suppose one partner begins to show signs of lack of interest in the other, resulting in a dull sex life. The sense of emotional togetherness becomes more of a memory than a reality. Such a couple will disrespect each other in public. This normally takes place very gradually until the relationship reaches a low point.
Personal dignity in a marriage is maintained the same way it was produced during the dating days. The attitude should be “I love you and am totally committed to you, but I only control my half of the relationship. I cannot demand your love in return. You came to me on your own accord when we agreed to marry. No one forced us together. That same free will is necessary to keep our love alive.”
Intimacy is the willingness to be open and transparent with your mate. It is the sharing of thoughts, dreams, desires and feelings in a free and flowing relationship.
Nothing is hidden or restrained in a truly intimate relationship.
There is no shame, fear or embarrassment in this level of love. It is God’s will that there be intimacy between the husband and wife so that the physical and emotional needs of both parties can be met. This kind of intimacy requires work. It takes commitment. It takes the grace of God to bring two people into a place where they come into unity as husband and wife. It takes time, do not be discouraged if it doesn’t happen immediately. Just continue to believe in God.
Enjoy an intimate marriage.
Apostle Langton C Kanyati is the founder and president of Zoe Life Changing Ministries and Grace Unlimited Ministries. Email feedback to [email protected]. WhatsApp : 0772 987 844
