The Sunday Mail
TWO weeks ago I wrote about forgiveness. It is quite encouraging that many sent feedback explaining how they allowed bitterness to destroy their relationships.
I said when forgiveness is lacking, bitterness creeps in. And that bitterness is poisonous. As such, forgiveness takes place when you accept, deliberately the hurts and abrasions of life and drop all charges against the other person. You accept the other when both of you know they have done something quite unacceptable.
Forgiveness involves other elements as well. Healing is a part of this process. Healing means restoration and bringing back to full health. It means that when we remember what has happened, we remember the reconciliation rather than the hurt. When your spouse comes to you for forgiveness, he or she is aware of the hurt they have caused in your life. That hurt is the reason for seeking forgiveness.
Luke 15:17-24 gives us a positive example of forgiveness in the account of the prodigal son and the forgiving father. After the son had his fill of living away from home, having squandered his money, he came to his senses and decided to go home. Here the father expressed open affection and complete forgiveness. He did not wait to see if his son would crawl to him. He got up and went to his son. He celebrated his return and restored him fully to his position. There were no conditions, no “proving” time. It was a time of rejoicing. This must happen when a couple experience confession and forgiveness.
There is a difference between saying “I am sorry” and “will you forgive me?” Forgiveness and sorry express two different experiences. Being sorry recognises that what you did was not right, but may have some justifying excuses for it.
In asking for forgiveness, the emphasis shifts from you to the other person. Your relationship is not right because of you. In asking forgiveness, you don’t give excuses.
Forgiveness involves choosing to change your actions and attitude. You have to risk being open and vulnerable. You say you are willing to change your present direction and you cannot place any demands upon your spouse.
You cannot say, “I will confess this if you promise that you won’t be upset or hold it against me.” You must take the risk.
Praying together as a couple is the handle that opens the door to forgiveness and makes it both easier and possible. Your prayer life as a couple is the quality cement that adds a lasting adhesiveness to your relationship. The closeness and emotional intimacy that are demanded and that occur as a result of praying together will make forgiving one another a natural part of the marriage. It is only when a husband and a wife pray together before God that they find the secret of true harmony that the differences in their temperaments, their ideas, and their tastes enriches their home instead of endangering it. There will be no further question of one imposing his or her will on the other or of the other giving in for the sake of peace. Instead, they will together seek God’s will, which alone will ensure that each will be fully able to develop his personality.
When as marriage partners you each seek quietly before God to see your individual faults, recognising your sins, and ask the forgiveness of the other, marital problems will be no more. You learn to speak the other’s language and to meet each other half-way so to speak. You each hold back those harsh little words which one is apt to utter when one is right, but which are said in order to injure.
Most of all, as a couple you rediscover complete mutual confidence, because , in meditating in prayer together, you learn to become absolutely honest with each other. This is the price to be paid if partners very different from each other are to combine their gifts instead of setting them against each other.
Forgive and forget the past. Dwelling on past hurts, bringing up past faults, or limiting one’s present acts by expecting a repetition of past behaviour only builds up emotional barriers.
How easy it is to “imprison” your partner mentally in a certain pattern of behaviour, thereby condemning him/her to remain unchanged. Our faith is in a God, who can and does work miracles, both in ourselves and in others.
In prayer, forgive your spouse for whatever has happened. Go even further and accept responsibility for all the misunderstandings that have grown up between the two of you. Needless to say, your partner cannot receive your forgiveness unless they repent. God forgives you even before you sin, so practice forgiveness toward your spouse regardless of attitudes you may feel justified in expecting from them.
If you love another person you must be willing to run the risk of being hurt. Hurt brings pain, but through hurt comes the opportunity for forgiveness and reconciliation. Is forgiveness easy for you? If we know Jesus Christ as Saviour, we have the capacity to forgive ourselves and thus are enabled to forgive others. Forgive and give a chance to your marriage. Enjoy your marriage.
Apostle Langton C Kanyati is the founder and president of Zoe Life Changing Ministries and Grace Unlimited Interdenominational Ministries. Feedback: [email protected] and WhatsApp 0772 987 844.
