The Sunday Mail
Life Issues with FGK
SOME readers believe lobola will never lose its significance in Africa.
They consider it a sacrosanct practice that is highly regarded as a must whenever a man intends to take a wife for himself.
Actually, readers that responded to our last issue even blame the western world for trying to peddle the erosion of this ancient culture, which is understood to be the glue creating a bond between two families. The feedback we got shows that many people have an understanding of the necessity of lobola and the need to uphold traditional aspects of the practice.
Nevertheless, they also admit that in some instances, the practice has been contaminated by greed — money being the focus and not the bonding aspect. It is important though to note that the payment of dowry is not only an African practice. It also has biblical roots.
In the book of Genesis, Jacob had to work seven years to get a wife. However, he was cheated by his in-laws and had to work an additional seven years to get the bride of his choice.
This shows how in-laws have been manipulating circumstances since time immemorial. Lobola exposes the in-laws’ greed. In the case of Jacob and Laban, their culture dictated that the elder daughter was supposed to get married first.
According to them, therefore, when Jacob asked for Rachel’s hand in marriage, he automatically had to marry Leah as well, the elder sister, as she was his gateway to Rachel. Thus, he worked for the two girls, seven years apiece.
This proves that lobola and its challenges cut across cultures. But modern day dowry payments appear to differ from traditional practices.
While Jacob paid lobola in form of labour, that can no longer happen nowadays. These days, one has to seek employment first, get a salary, make savings and then pay lobola. Young men have even become crybabies, screaming all over the place, especially on social media, asking why lobola has to be paid.
They consider lobola an unnecessary burden and wish the process away. Probably this is why most modern marriages have become shaky.
Husbands consider money more valuable than their spouses. This is why most are intolerant when their spouses make mistakes. They also seize every opportunity to remind their other halves that they paid lobola for them.
Imagine if Jacob had to work for seven years, saving all his wages, how much would he have paid in todays’ terms?
Therefore, there can never be a standard and agreeable figure for lobola. However, we cannot let a few greedy in-laws corrupt or erode this practice.
In Genesis 24, Abraham had to send his servant to look for a wife for Isaac.
“When Abraham’s servant heard their answer, he bowed down to the ground and worshipped the Lord. Then he brought out silver and gold jewellery and clothing and presented them to Rebekah. He also gave expensive presents to her brother and mother.’’
This was the dowry payment.
The scripture goes on to say: “ . . . then they ate their meal, and the servant and the men with him stayed there overnight. But early the next morning, Abraham’s servant said, ‘Send me back to my master.’
“But we want Rebekah to stay with us at least ten days, then she can go,” her brother and mother said.
“But the servant replied, ‘Don’t delay me. The Lord has made my mission successful; now send me back so I can return to my master.’ They said, ‘We’ll call Rebekah and ask her what she thinks.’ So they called Rebekah. ‘Are you willing to go with this man?’ they asked her.
It is important to note that families are different and therefore their demands also come in different forms. In the above case, the in-laws said their daughter would only leave after ten days. This was after accepting the lobola from the servant. But it is very important to know that families can only toss around husbands-to-be as far as they can allow them.
Only the bride can then determine the magnitude of the arrogance that is thrown at her husband-to-be. If she can talk to her family to treat him fairly, they will surely hold their horses. A bride’s opinion matters. Listening to her helps prevent enmity between her husband and in-laws.
If not carefully handled, lobola can create a rift between the two families instead of creating a strong bond. Inner characters of relatives are revealed during lobola negotiations.
People should behave wisely and keep in mind that lobola is only the beginning of the journey and that they will need each other in future. If the bride’s family displays greed and arrogance during lobola negotiations, the son-in-law will remember this forever.
Quote of the week: Before lobola negotiations, remember that your daughter is not up for sale. You are building a relationship that should be comfortable for her.
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