I’m the black sheep of my family

I’m the black sheep of my family

I have written to you because I am finding the pains of being a young mother unbearable. I had a child when I was in Form Three. Things did not go well because the father of the child denied responsibility. I picked myself up and went it alone. As of now I am now doing my A-Level. I am looked down upon in my family and deemed a nzenza because I had a child out of wedlock. It hurts so much that I have even considered taking my own life. The only thing that stops me is the fact that I want to be here for my child. I was fortunate enough to find an organisation that pays for my son’s education. What can I do to make my family view me as something more? I do not have anyone to share with what I am going through.

Response

In life there are ups and downs. At times one may walk along a very dark path for a long time but this is never permanent. I urge families to learn to count their blessings and to learn to forgive. It is really sad that you even contemplate suicide. Yes, having a child out of wedlock and at that tender age was very unfortunate, and there was cause for parents to be upset. But the positive thing that you did was taking care of your son, congratulations.

The fact that you are back at school should bring joy to both yourself and your family. Education will open so many doors for you in life and it is something that nobody can rob you of. To have an organisation paying your son’s fees is more than just a blessing.

When you are a parent, your decisions will also affect your child. I urge you to always look on the bright side of life. There are plenty positives in your life, you are definitely not cursed at all. God is with you, there is no need for crying or for experiencing any form of bitterness. You have made your mistake, do not repeat it. Once bitten twice shy. Pray sincerely for your family and child, there is immense power in prayer. Enjoy your school and enjoy your son. Be of good cheer, it shall be well. I would be happy to hear from you again.

Confused beyond measure

I am a 30-year-old man and I am very confused about my relationship. My ex-wife is 22 and we have two children together. We got into some problems a while back and we had an argument. After that she decided to take all of our property and went to her mother’s house. I did not bother to try and get her to come back. After three months she decided to come back as she had discovered that she was pregnant again.

I am yet to accept this child as being truly mine. My mother is very concerned because of the circus that is going on in my life. My question is what must I do going forward since we already have two kids together? What I really fear is that if I take her back and she has not reformed, I will be at a disadvantage. Shiri ine muriro wayo haiurege.

Response

I am very well, thanks for asking. My heart bleeds when young couples whose marriages are supposed to be in their romantic stages break up. This is the reason why I always encourage couples to go for premarital counselling so that they get into their marriage when they are fully informed of the ideal ways to run it. Marriage is a lifetime relationship and should be treated with the dignity and respect it deserves.

It is not a game. One cannot just easily opt out. You have been blessed with a child and this type of life is not conducive for the upbringing of the child. Your wife decided to quit after an argument, what was it about?

I always say when you write to my column, furnish me with all the details so that I advice accordingly. What made her so angry to the extent of taking all the property from the house? You did not explain to me how you feel about your wife. Do you love her?

Yes, she is pregnant as you say, but is that the only reason you would consider taking her back.

You are hiding behind your mother, whom you say is upset because of your wife’s behaviour. What about you? I really want to assist you but I have limited information to work with. Try and answer some of the questions I have posed. You are a major and you should decide what you truly want out of your marriage and life.

Failing O-Level cost me everything

I am a 17-year-old girl who is lost. All my life I wanted to please my parents but it did not go as planned. I failed my Form Four. That is when everyone started to treat me like a “nobody”, as if I do not exist. Whenever I say or do something, people always misunderstand me. It is hard for me to picture my future. It stresses me a lot.

Nowadays I am even afraid of smiling or being happy because I think it gets me into trouble. Even when I want to ask for something from my parents, I think twice. I always second guess myself and wonder if they will agree. It is becoming harder day by day.

Please help me. I would really like to take the exams again.

Response

This week I deliberately chose two letters that are slightly similar but coming from two different people. My reason for this is to expose how some families cannot forgive and move on. They dwell on the negatives forever. I am sorry you did not do well at O-Level.

People are different, even if they come from the same family, some are more intelligent than others. Some take more than one sitting to pass their exams. People like you need help and encouragement. You are only 17 and still a minor, you are full of potential. The best way forward is to talk to your parents or someone close and tell them that you would want to do your O-Level again.

Learning does not end and it is never too late. I know with the harsh economic times we are going through, it could be a burden for parents and guardians to get the resources.

The other thing is never to take offence when they talk to you about their displeasure. So many people have succeeded by putting more effort and working hard.

I see your relationship with your parents has fallen by the way side. I suggest you talk to them and ask for forgiveness for letting them down. If you cannot, ask someone within your family to talk to them. Let them know that you would want to do it all over again.

You need each other, you are family. Life is very short and must not be filled with regret. I wish you all the best.

 

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