The Sunday Mail
Dr Rebecca Chisamba
DEAR amai, how are you? I am a 22-year-old girl and I am pursuing my studies. I have written to you because I find myself in a difficult situation. I am dating my cousin’s ex-boyfriend and we have been together for the past seven months.
My cousin broke up with this guy and married the next guy she dated. She now resides in South Africa. The challenge I am facing stems from my mother and my aunt, who is my cousin’s mother. My boyfriend says he wants to marry me.
However, the thought of going with him to the very same aunt who does not like him is worrying me. I have heard bad things about him and I have spoken to him about it, but he told me not to pay attention to what people say. What do you recommend I do?
Response
Hello writer, I am very well thanks. I read your letter twice because I was trying to grasp what exactly is going on. There are plenty of fish in the sea and I think you should not have allowed your cousin’s ex to charm you. It creates a lot of unnecessary tension.
The truth is you are both majors and you can choose to do what you wish at any point and time. Your mother and aunt are upset because they wish you would have chosen better. It is good that he does not let the rumours get to him.
People tend to talk and at times the grapevine can be misleading. Before you make your decision I would want you to reflect. If the roles were reversed would you approve of your cousin dating your ex and potentially marrying them?
I am also curious to know how your cousin feels about all this. Either way, you are at crossroads and a decision has to be made. Just be careful that picking your lover may isolate you from the rest of the family.
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Father holds grudge against my mother
I am a 29-year-old lady with an eight-year-old child. My parents broke up when we were young. Since then my father has had it in for my mother. He insults her and does not want me to have anything to do with her. He forbade us from talking to her when I was young and he would throw away goods and clothes she would send us. I am wondering if it is worth it to continue to abide by his rules. He says if I talk to her he will disown me, and I cannot get my relatives to help sway his mind. He remarried after this, thus I wonder what the big deal is? Quite frankly, I am tired of this grudge.
Response
I agree that this grudge has gone on for way too long. I do not know the nature of the split, but you are now an adult with your own child, it is time to bury the hatchet. You have wasted so many years not talking to your mother. A mother who has no doubt tried to provide and be in your life. I think your father is bitter.
Do not let this bitterness spill over to you. Enjoy the time you have left with your mother.
When your father decides to come around leave the communication channels open.
In a world filled with so much uncertainty, we do not know how much time we have. It is best to make the most of it. You can even do it without telling your father if you want to avoid him disowning you.
It is okay for him to not see eye-to-eye with her, but do not let him decide your fate for you. Take it bit by bit, I am sure it shall be well.
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My husband and I are strangers
I do not know where to begin with describing this problem. When I married my husband he was recovering from a relationship that he had put a lot of energy into.
The woman he loved before me broke his heart and dumped him for another guy. He began to think he was a failure in life. He knew this fling was not going to last, so he wanted someone to help him close this woman out in case she came back once her relationship failed.
We dated for a very short time and half the time he called me by this other woman’s name. I was not even ready when he proposed but I said yes, although I knew this was not coming from the heart. We subsequently tied the knot.
We rarely fight but we just do not have that spark. We are like cordial neighbours. We have been married for two years and we are both working on our degree programmes. We agreed not to rush into having a family.
Last month he suggested that we sleep in separate bedrooms and see if we still miss each other or something like that.
We are keeping this to ourselves because we do not want family and friends to jump to conclusions.
To tell you the truth, we are quite happy with this arrangement. Hapana ari kumbotsvaga mumwe. My problem amai is I do not know whether I would want to continue like this or not.
What I have discovered in the past two years is we do not have feelings for each other.
We can watch a movie together or go out but this does nothing to spark the romance. We have great respect for each other but we are not in love.
Do you think it is wise for me to wait upon him?
I am confused because I do not know the intended duration of this break and what his decision will be after this. He is 25 and I am 23. Please amai help.
Response
You find yourself in a catch-22 situation. I receive hundreds of letters from people and one common thing I have discovered is that many people do not know what a relationship or marriage means.
There is an urgent need for our elders to go back to the drawing board and give true guidance. People are getting married for very wrong reasons. At times this is done to please the parents and church or someone is aging and bows down to relentless peer pressure. I will be very honest with you: Without love a relationship or marriage will not survive. In your case, the reason was to block his ex from coming back. What nonsense!
You knew about this and you allowed yourself to be used and now you have more questions than answers. He is 25 and you are only 23 and already going through such a predicament that could have been entirely avoided.
You say you are happy with this arrangement, for how long are you going to endure?
You took vows when you knew you were not going to fulfil the one that states ‘until death do us part’. You are still very young and full of potential. Please wake up and smell the coffee.
Firstly, if there is no love and no feelings, the marriage will not take off. This is a lifetime commitment; do not cheat yourselves. Reconsider.
The second option is if you want to start dating all over again, engage a counsellor who will assist you both. I want you to always remember that time is money, do not waste it unnecessarily. I am glad you did not rush to have a family.
Children from broken homes are more affected than their parents. Weigh these two options and keep me posted. Do not do things for other people, be true to yourself.
Pray for God’s guidance and the direction will be easy to see and follow. Keep well.
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