I am ashamed of my family

Mudzimba

Dr Chisamba

AMAI, thank you so much for your column. I am a mother of two boys and married to a fellow Zimbabwean. We have lived in the diaspora for a decade. From my side of the family, I am the only one who resides out of the country.

I have two elder brothers and two younger sisters who are all gainfully employed and married back home. I send provisions and money home whenever I can. I am now fed up with being taken advantage of.

My parents and siblings are too demanding. I literally run the day-to-day affairs back home. They ask for things they can easily buy and solve without my involvement. My husband’s family is very disciplined. They only make requests when it is critical.

At times, we simply send provisions without them asking.

Amai, I am ashamed of my family. How do I handle this? I do not want to be misunderstood. Last month, my husband hinted that he is no longer interested in what my family is doing. He suggested that I do more shift work so that I do not keep taking money from our joint savings.

Response

Dear writer, thank you so much for your letter. What you said is very common among a number of families.

It is surprising, though, how some families do not understand that people who reside abroad face the same struggle as them. It must be appreciated that you have a life, your own family to take care of and bills to pay. Money is hard earned. It does not fall from heaven like manna.

For sure, your family is embarrassing you. Considering the fact that you have a joint account with your spouse, you have to come clean and tell your parents that it is becoming a tall order to run two homes.

Clarify that there are other projects that you are pursuing. These days, many people have a siblings’ group on WhatsApp. You can use it to tell each other the truth as family, even if you are far away. Let them know you work hard to get money.

As a result, you will send provisions and money as and when you can. I wish you all the best.

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Landlady is a thief

I am a tenant in the ghetto. The landlady has spare keys to all our rooms. I knew about this last year, when I started staying at the home with my family, but I was just too desperate for accommodation.

I am a married man and a father of one toddler. When we are away, the landlady opens our kitchen and helps herself to our groceries. We have never seen her in action.

When we go out, she locks the gate. And none of the tenants has a key to the gate. The living conditions here are terrible; it is as if we are at a military school. We stay on because the accommodation is cheaper compared to other places. Would it be a good idea to confront the landlord over the missing groceries? Please, advise, Amai.

Response

Thank you so much for writing in. I feel sorry for you and your family. You have no grounds to accuse the landlady of stealing your groceries because you do not have evidence. You need to have tangible proof, otherwise you may get yourself into trouble. Your reason for staying on under these awful conditions is that the rentals are cheap. In my view, losing part of your groceries every now and then means you are losing money in the form of food.

Therefore, you are not saving anything. My advice is for you to look for alternative accommodation. That place is just not good for you. Go to a place where you enjoy your tenancy.

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Parents will not attend my wedding

I am a 28-year-old father of two boys by different women. Both my marriages did not last for more than two years.

I am a peace-loving guy but once a woman starts to think she is more important than me, I send her packing and go for the next one. I am dating another woman and I intend to marry her in the next two months. I hope she will understand me better. The reason I am writing to you is that I do not know what to do.

My parents have said they do not want to be part of my third marriage proceedings. Amai, how do I get them involved? I need their blessings.

Response

Thank you for your letter but it made my reading very sad. My heart goes out to your two kids. Are you in their lives? Do you pay maintenance? I do not understand why you continue to bring children into the world when you do not have time for them. I have no reason to judge you but two divorces at 28 is a bit much.

 I understand why your parents are frustrated. Please, go for professional counselling before you think of settling for a third marriage. This will help you know what you are looking for in marriage. Y

ou did not give me a tangible reason for the collapse of your marriages. I cannot make head or tail of the issue. Remember, I always say when you write to this column, give me full information so that I will be able to help. I do not want to work on assumptions. Please, keep me posted.

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