The Sunday Mail
Apostle Langton Kanyati: Matrimonial Hub
EVERYONE wants to be happy, but happiness will come and go.
Successful couples learn to intentionally do things that will bring happiness back when life pulls it away. When things get tough and couples don’t know what to do, they need to hang in there and be there for their spouse.
Here are some secrets of highly successful couples:
Fight skilfully
In conflict, be fair and generous. When two people live together, they are bound to have differences of opinion and disagreements. Successful couples fight but do it skilfully; in a way that leaves the relationship stronger, not weaker.
One technique they employ is their choice of words. For example, couples that tend to use plural pronouns (“we”, “us” and “ours”) rather than singular pronouns (“I”, “me” and “mine”) were less likely to feel stressed out after the disagreement than couples who used singular pronouns.
Using “we” language during a fight helps couples align themselves on the same team, as opposed to being adversaries.
Seek and offer forgiveness
They do forgive and let it go. When they have done something wrong or hurtful, they offer an apology. When they are the wronged party, they accept the gift of an apology. Successful couples travel the pathway toward forgiving, which is outlined in these four stages for arrival at complete forgiveness:
Forgo: Take a break from thinking about the person or event for a while;
Forebear: Abstain from neither punishing, neither thinking about it nor acting on (the offence) in small or large ways. Give a bit of grace to the situation;
Forget: Refuse to dwell; let go and loosen one’s hold, particularly on memory. To forget is an active — not passive — endeavour; and
Forgive: Make a conscious decision to cease to harbor resentment, which includes forgiving a debt and giving up one’s resolve to retaliate.
The long haul
There are only two options regarding commitment. You are either in or you are out.
Positivity
Happy couples have relationships characterised by respect, affection and empathy, and they pay close attention to what’s happening in each other’s lives. It is revealed that happy and stable couples make five positive remarks for every one negative remark when they were discussing conflict. In contrast, couples headed for divorce offered less than one positive remark for every single negative remark.
Learn and grow
Couples in successful marriage play to each other’s strengths and interests. If one partner becomes more health conscious, the other joins. If one partner takes up a new activity, the other partner becomes supportive and involved. The end result is a stronger emotional bond and a deeper love.
Shared values
A successful relationship is quite an achievement. It’s important to have the same basic values. In other words, if your spouse is a free spender, you should understand that. If they are frugal, you need to understand that because money is one of the stumbling blocks in marriage.
It will be very fortunate, if you have the same values on most things.
Reliability
It is human nature to feel good when those we care about follow through behaviourally and we know they will be there. If couples do what they say and say what they do, they create an atmosphere of comfort in knowing their words mean something to the other, which increases emotional safety in the marriage.
Relationship Vision
Couples who have created a relationship vision for themselves know where they are going as they have planned it together. They get joy out of reaching for their goals as a team and are less likely to be derailed by surprises down the line.
They need to ask where they see themselves in 10 years. Or what are their marriage and family goals?
Perhaps many of the above ideas resonate with you, and perhaps some do and some don’t. It’s also possible that you have many additional ideas about aspects of successful marriages. At the end of the day great marriages are created by the two people involved and are defined as such by what works for each of them together.
I encourage you to sit down with your spouse and talk about your ideas of what makes a great marriage and make it so for yourselves!
Success in marriage is more than finding the right person: It is being the right person. Enjoy a successful marriage.
Apostle Kanyati is the founder and president of Zoe Life Changing Ministries and Grace Unlimited interdenominational. Feedback: [email protected] and WhatsApp +2630772 987 844.
