The Sunday Mail
Mertha Mo Nyamande
WHEN it comes to trauma, particularly psychological trauma, we are all affected.
We have all variously experienced hurt and distress — a sense of abandonment, neglect and abuse (actual or perceived).
A lot of these start from childhood, where we are more vulnerable and dependent on others for survival.
Some have better support systems that enable them to cope with any difficulties.
Conversely, others have poor support networks that keep compounding their difficulties and challenges.
So, when subjected to some of this pain and hurt, especially in childhood, we often use childish and immature ways of thinking and coping like crying, clinging on to mom or hiding under the bed whenever dad comes home drunk.
This is because we are afraid of the fights and violence. These strategies are really effective for a child.
The trouble comes when we normalise those habits all the way into adulthood.
We just hide differently; clinging onto others gets us labelled as needy, as this can potentially become too heavy for others to bear. And crying no longer receives the same attention.
The struggle of breaking free and regaining independence is the greatest challenge for most people.
Letting go of the things that have helped us in dire circumstances is difficult, so the frustrations bring back the pain; and the longer it stays, the worse it gets.
How can one best deal with all these things that weigh us down?
It is really all about psyching ourselves to deal with the challenges that present themselves in our daily lives.
As we process all those hurtful memories, we gain more strength and energy to do more in life.
The inner motivation and confidence come from the little achievements we gain from the mental activities and thoughts we habituate.
If we nurture negative thoughts, they are likely to take up most of our energy through all the work the brain has to do to survive the perceived threats.
In the hope of getting some respite from this constant battle, we seek anything that can give us even a moment of peace.
This strengthens how we cry, hide and escape from reality, often becoming attached to or dependent on others’ love or things like drugs and alcohol.
This avoidance, hiding or escaping into fantasy leads to dependency syndromes that bring about more pain.
As a result of the trauma, we often become over-sensitive to noises and struggle to get along with others, especially children who want to play and make noises, thus we suffocate their need to express themselves.
Our minds become obsessed with controlling things and people around us to the extent that it becomes ritualistic.
We can also become numb as we make serious efforts to block our emotions.
This leads to losing affection towards those closest and dearest to us.
Trauma is also closely associated with loss — be it losing people physically, or losing opportunities to have pride in oneself. With loss comes grieving.
Swiss American psychiatrist Kubler-Ross’ grieving cycle brings a lot of insights here, in particular, how a lot of people get stuck in various phases, with anger being a big one.
There is also complicated grief that develops due to layers of unresolved trauma and loss.
Learning to let go of these maladaptive coping mechanisms require an in-depth understanding of the issues.
Therapy also teaches new and healthier coping mechanisms while we work on processing the traumas, both big and small.
The aim of post-trauma treatment is to help achieve post-traumatic growth, which is about reconnecting with self and others while reigniting hope.
If the best time to plant a tree was 10 years ago, the next best time is now!
We should have started this journey many years ago. Let us take courage and start today, for tomorrow, our children and grandchildren depend on it.
Mertha Mo Nyamande is a psychotherapist. He can be contacted on: [email protected] or @ www.i-wellbeing.weebly.com
