The Sunday Mail
AMAI, I hope I find you well. I am a 26-year-old divorcee and father of a month-old baby. I dated a woman from my neighbourhood for two months.
She fell pregnant and our parents forced us to get married. We briefly stayed together as husband and wife, and that is when we discovered that we were not compatible with each other.
We never experienced love and peace during this period, so we both agreed to part ways.
There is bad blood between our families. As a result, I do not officially see my son. I recently found new love in the same neighbourhood. When my ex-flame got wind of my affair, she started befriending my new girlfriend.
As I write, they are now inseparable. I really do not know what they have in common. What bothers me the most is the interest my lover has in issues relating to my previous marriage. I do not want another sad ending. Amai, is it wise for me to continue hooked on my girlfriend when I feel uncomfortable about the two’s relationship? I love the new girl very much but what is she being told about me?
Response
You have been through a lot. It is no use crying over spilt milk, but going forward, I hope you get into sensible relationships with people you love and trust. I would advise you to go legal.
Her family may hate you but you have a right to see and provide for your child. It is an obligation, one you must abide by since you chose to bring an innocent child into the world.
No woman in her right mind would befriend her husband’s former lover, especially from the same neighbourhood. I do not think you are being set up but you may be taken for a ride if this continues.
I would advise you to move on and settle for someone who does not reside in your neighbourhood. I wish you all the best.
Ndakadyiswa here?
I am a married man and father of two — a boy and a girl. I am 40 and my wife is 38. We are both gainfully employed and are usually a happy couple. I use a company car, so I rarely use my personal car unless I am going out of town with my family.
My wife has her own personal car as well. Early this year, my elder brother attempted to borrow my personal car because he wanted to take some stuff to our rural home but my wife got mad. She said it was not a good practice to lend people cars.
I reluctantly agreed and gave him money to hire a truck elsewhere. In September, my father-in-law asked to borrow my car for two days and I expected my wife to raise the same objection, but it was the opposite. She calmly said it was hard to say no to baba.
The problem now is the car is not back yet. Two days have become two months and I am upset. I had a nasty verbal fight with my wife over the matter. I just want my car back now and not later. This issue has made me very unpopular with my siblings and parents. My mother even went to the extent of saying “ndakadyiswa”. Please, help, Amai. This is tearing us apart. How best can I solve this issue?
Response
I am sorry about what happened. Friends and family often have entitlement issues when they deem someone close to them to have excess resources such as cars.
In all fairness, perhaps you should have hired a car for your father-in-law as well. Inasmuch as you have a company car, it does not mean that family can personalise your own car. Simply go and reclaim your possession. Inform your father-in-law that you want to use it.
I do not believe your wife has bewitched you. People must be honest about how long they intend to borrow possessions such as cars. Do not cause a scene.
Simply reclaim your car and go about your day. Going forward, do not beat about the bush. Furthermore, have a heart-to-heart with your wife and let her know that if any requests are made about your prized possession, she should direct them to you. Be stern and be resolute. Help as and when you can.
Will the truth set me free?
Dear Amai, I hope you are doing well. I am a 40-year-old house cleaner. I work long hours; I do all the housework. My employers are far younger than me; they are in their late twenties. They love life, and both drink.
Their home is a weekend hideout for friends. They have braais and all sorts of parties.
They have a one-year-old baby. In most cases, I work with the child on my back. I have no rest. Many times, I do not take my off because they will be hosting people and they need me to run around. When they get too drunk, the wife asks me to sleep with the baby.
They treat me well and give me good money, but I am just tired. I have seen that money is not everything. I want to quit but I feel sorry for the child.
I think the baby thinks I am his other mum because he cries for me most of the time. I wish they would change their drinking habits. I cannot talk to them about this as I am only a maid. They are self-employed; they run a butchery and a bottle store. How do I set myself free?
Response
I am very well and thanks for asking. As you rightfully ask, the truth will set you free. If you feel the workload is too much for you at your age and have qualms with the environment you find yourself in, then it is best to politely say so and ask to leave. There is more to life than money.
Find what setup will work well for you. As for the child, if you feel their best interests are not going to be met by the parents, it is your job as a concerned party to inform a social worker.
The last thing you want on your conscience is to wonder tirelessly about the welfare of the child. We meet to part, and part to meet. If you leave on good terms, the door for a potential return will always be open. I wish you all the best.
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