The Sunday Mail
I have a big problem and life has changed for the worst for me in the past three years. I am 38 and my wife is 35.
We have been married for over a decade and blessed with three kids — two boys and a girl. I had an executive job with a private company and we used to enjoy an upper-class lifestyle. The company closed because of current harsh economic conditions. It is not easy to go from having plenty to having to make do with almost nothing. I am a professional and I am not built for the “kiya-kiya” informal sector.
My wife is now the main breadwinner. It is not easy to be in the situation I am in now. My wife is PA (personal assistant) to some male boss at a certain NGO (Non-Governmental Organisation).
I will not disclose the name of the company. She has totally forgotten that when the going was good, it was me who catered for her needs.
Now she treats me serombe. She adores her boss and mentions him in each and every conversation.
I have tried to come up with different projects but it is like I am cursed and nothing ever takes off. I am now doing the school run and I have to explain my petrol consumption. When she asks me to go and buy things, she wants me to keep the receipts so that she crosschecks. When our kids ask me to buy things for them, she laughs and tells them to address their requests to her if they are serious. The other day I overheard her speak to one of her friends that ari kurarama sechirikadzi.
My parents have a farm and nothing much is coming from there. My heart bleeds amai. My wife has forgotten sacrifices I made for her. Even the education she boasts about today, I am the one who sent her to school when I married her. She is really pushing me against the wall. Can you imagine she even suggested that she fires the maid so I do the house chores?
Response
In Shona we have an adage which says “kukanganwa chazuro nehope”.
I think this is the situation that your wife is in. She has forgotten where she came from. She cannot be separated from any problems you may be facing because you are one in marriage. She should not send wrong messages to the kids by implying that you are a useless father. You talked about projects not taking off, most of them take a bit of time to take shape. Try not to always expect instant results. Branch into things that you have a passion for first before you even think about the money you can make from it. It is not easy to transition from a king to a jack. She must accept reality and work towards helping her husband and kids. She may adore the boss but the truth is he just remains her boss.
She should not create a situation where you always think that something is going on. I do not understand why all of a sudden she hero worships her boss. Yes, it is good to have a professional relationship, but bringing him into each and every conversation is uncalled for. People who truly love each other and respect their marriage will be there for each other even when the chips are down. Mangwana ndinhasi, the winds of change may blow again in your favour, then what will happen? Do not paint all women with the same brush. There are so many out there looking after their husbands and kids day-in and day-out. I urge you not to go and stay at the farm. You belong there with your family; you can only go to visit.
Your wife is taking it a bit too far. If the reason for letting the maid go is because she can no longer afford one, there is a better way of saying it. It should be a collective decision, not hers alone. With prayer and God all things are possible. Pray over this and God will grant you your heart’s desires. I wish you all the best.
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My church is mass producing weddings
I am a 22-year-old woman married to a 24-year-old guy. We met at church. One of the elders introduced me to this guy. The truth is we never got any time to know each other well.
The pastor and the elders boast about the number of weddings that come from the church after a certain period. We were pushed into this when both of us were not ready. The pressure was too much from both sides, from the church and home. We have been married for four months but I want out. It is just not working. The church is mass producing weddings like a factory. They no longer concentrate on the spirituality of the congregation, but matchmaking.
Most of them have gone into wedding business like décor, catering, transport and the list goes on. I told my mother that I was not keen to tie the knot with my husband, but vese nababa they pushed and said hatidi kunyadziswa kuchurch. Most of the people who got married this way are either unhappy or divorced. I know my parents will not agree with my decision but hazvisi kushanda. We do not fight or use abusive language against each other, but we are not husband and wife of the year candidates.
We are both gainfully employed. We were intimate on our wedding night only but up to now nothing has happened.
I do not want to say much but this can give you a picture of what is going on. We both feel that we are in a forced marriage. I am yet to fall pregnant. The only beautiful things to come out of this marriage are the wedding dances, the beautiful gown and suits, the upmarket venue and food from the day we tied the knot, asi zvinobatsirei nhai?
Response
I respect you and I also respect your bravery. Many people would never admit all of this. I can tell that you are a follower of this column because I always say marriage is about love. When there is true love other things can be worked out, but love is the main ingredient. Thank you for being true to yourself and for being honest. Some churches and parents are surely off track. I do not understand why they have become so selfish. Their focus is purely on business derived from these weddings. This is a very sad development. The church pushed you into a marriage and your parents failed to rescue you. They were no better than the church.
Prevention is better than cure. I hope your letter will serve as a lesson to those people boasting about loveless marriages.
It is mean and cruel if the truth be said. Your issue is a very tricky one.
I hope each of you will find true love in future. This is very unfortunate and should never be repeated. Please do not abandon your faith. Look for another church where the word is preached and respected. I would be happy to hear from you again.
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Tete ruining my relationship with my step-daughter
Mai Chisamba, how are you? I am trying my best to be a good step mum but my tete is now driving me crazy. I am happily married. My husband and I have a daughter and a son. My step-daughter is from a previous relationship my husband had. He says it was a loveless relationship and it resulted in this child being born. She is the eldest at 12 and has other two aged 10 and 8.
This woman is still friends with my husband’s sister. The interference I get from tete and this woman is disturbing. The kids get on so well but ever since tete started siding with this woman, she asks for my step-daughter to visit every weekend. Each time she comes to fetch her, my younger daughter cries for her sister to go with her, but I cannot allow it because she is never invited.
The mother is also always phoning the child even when she is doing her homework. I do not understand what is so important about these phone calls. The reason why I am writing in is that I think things are now getting out of hand. The child tells me that her mum goes to visit her every weekend at tete’s place. I have to wait for her to finish chatting with her mum. My husband says we should talk to tete about this matter. My worry is I do not want to be misquoted. The whole thing is causing a lot of tension and discomfort. Please help.
Response
I am very well, thanks. Thank you for bringing up this child as your own. You are headed in the right direction. Do not let these outside forces disturb you. You are her parents because you are looking after this girl. Ipai mwana mutemo otherwise it will be too late. Very soon she will be a teenager. If the biological mother cares about the future of her daughter, she would never let her sacrifice her schoolwork. Tete is causing unnecessary anxiety and she is segregating her other niece and nephew. Why can’t she take on two sisters for the weekend? They are both her brother’s kids. She makes it seem like they are up to something with your husband’s ex. Why did she not tell you guys about this woman coming over to her house every weekend to see her daughter?
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