The Sunday Mail
Sister accused me of coveting her husband
DEAR amai, how are you? Thank you so much for this platform. I am a 20-year-old single lady staying in Harare with my married sister. She recently gave birth to twins. My parents forced me to go and assist her, but given a choice I would have said no. My sister is naturally a mean and moody person.
I have been at their house for a month now, but I am already fed up. I was given rules and regulations. I am not allowed to watch TV with her husband after she retires to bed. I cannot joke (chiramu) with him and so on. I respect my brother-in-law for the man he is.
They are exact opposites. He is a gentleman to say the least. A few days ago, my sister accused me of having a crush on her husband and this did not go down well with both of us. There is a lot of tension in the house and I feel like just taking my things and going back home without telling her. She has tried maids, but they do not last because of her character. Please help. I just want to disappear.
Response
Thank you so much for writing in. Your letter made my reading very sad. I wonder where the world is going. You are siblings and are supposed to look out for each other in times like these.
It is unfortunate you did not say much about the relationship between your sister and her husband. Is everything ok in this marriage? It seems there is no trust at all, especially from your sister’s side. Your sister did not ask you to come and help; instead, it was your parents who came up with this arrangement, thus you must inform them as to why it is not working.
I think there is more than what meets the eye. Your sibling should be happy to get free assistance from a trusted family member. Do not go without telling her.
Remember, you are family, you need each other. Your sister’s character leaves a lot to be desired. Finally, yet importantly, I hope the chiramu jokes you mentioned are respectful. I wish you all the best.
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Future mother-in-law
is too forward
Amai, I hope you are well. I am a 30-year-old guy and madly in love with my girlfriend. Both our families have accepted us and everyone is waiting for the big day when I shall pay lobola.
I intend to do this at the end of August. However, I have one or two things bothering me. My mother-in-law is in the habit of asking for money from me behind my girlfriend’s and her husband’s back. I really do not know what this means. She asks that I send money via EcoCash. I did that thrice and when I told my girlfriend, she was shocked.
She in turn asked her dad and he did not know about this. This has sent a wrong message to me.
After her daughter confronted her, she said, “If you have problems with that, then when lobola day comes, tell the people that I withdrew part of the mother’s share.”
My parents and Tete have, however, said she was too forward. Amai, was I wrong to let my girl know? How do I respond in case she does it again?
Response
Dear writer, thank you so much for your letter. Yes, I agree that your future mother-in-law is off-track and too forward. This is against our culture and shows no respect at all.
How on earth can she talk about taking her share in advance?
Anyway, you need to move on and make sure it does not become a habit. I am happy you are madly in love with your girlfriend. It is very refreshing to hear such declarations these days.
I am also happy you did not keep this to yourself. Next time she does it, inform your girl immediately. I do not think she will like the exposure. I wish you a happy lobola day and blessed function.
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Broke boyfriend taking advantage of me
I am a young girl and am having issues with my partner. I do not understand whether I am being materialistic or not. I long to receive a gift from him.
We have been in a relationship for over a year now and I do not remember receiving a gift from him without having to pay or asking for it.
It does not bother me so much, but whenever I see my friends getting gifts from their partners or just anyone posting on social media about what their partner did for them, it always hurts me, amai.
I tried to talk to him about it and he always says he does not have money. We only went out twice and he reminded me to repay the deed till I confronted him that I did not like the way he was acting. Sometimes when he does have money and I ask for something, he buys, but I always end up repaying for the item.
I buy gifts for him, send him money whenever he asks for it and sometimes pay his bus fare, especially when I ask him to meet me.
I understand him sometimes — he is a student — but I am also a student, amai. I hustle to find money so that I do not always ask for money from my parents. The thing that always hurts me the most is that he finds pleasure in spending money with his friends each time he is at school.
I even heard his friends calling me mbinga. I do not know what I should do. Sometimes I feel like he takes advantage of my kindness and the fact that I love him so much. Please help me, amai.
Response
I see you are very concerned about being showered with gifts by your boyfriend. The truth of the matter is it is not good to ask or demand for gifts.
When you give from the heart, you erase the quid pro quo mentality altogether. When you give freely, God rewards you with more.
I am not saying you should not get anything from your boyfriend, all I mean is you must not impose or demand. You get very concerned when your friends brag about what they get, how do you know they are telling the truth? In life we are gifted in different ways. Some get the gift of true love, some good health and some good relationships, the list goes on.
I wonder why you spoon-feed him then complain later. In my view, this guy is a freeloader and may be sticking around for what you have to offer.
If he truly cared for you, he would never take your hard-earned money and go to spend it with friends. For now, I advise you to have a candid talk with him and come out clean on how you feel about his behaviour, otherwise you stress yourself for nothing. Do not lose focus.
Remember, you are a student. I wish you well.
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