The Sunday Mail
Dr Rebecca Chisamba
Mudzimba
Hubby kicking me out
DEAR amai, I hope my letter finds you well. I am a 23-year-old woman and I am married to a 41-year-old man. We have two children together but it has not been an easy ride. I feel like he is too old fashioned. The age difference is apparent when it comes to how we view certain things. Recently, we went to live with his parents. After an argument, he hit me and I proceeded to inform his parents and sister.
He denied it and now wants me gone. I also resent him. I can never love and be with someone who physically abuses me. The problem now is I have nowhere to go. I am far from home and I do not earn any income. He wants me to go with the kids as well. Please help.
Response
Hello writer, I am well and thanks for asking. Some say age is but a number when it comes to love and others are of the view that it affects compatibility. In your case, I think you believe in the latter. So why then did you marry this man to begin with? You must always look before you leap. It is pointless now to cry over spilt milk. You must report him to the authorities and they will do a proper investigation into the matter.
You are right, it is dangerous and ill-advised to stay in an abusive relationship. As for you leaving with the kids, you may get the courts involved so that he pays for their welfare. I am disheartened that there are children at the centre of this mess. I think in spite of you being far from home or places you may seek refuge, you have to make an effort to go.
This situation is not tenable for all parties involved. I am sorry things have broken down so early into your marriage. All you can do is try to move on and protect you children.
***
Landlord is difficult
to negotiate with
I am a 23-year-old lady currently lodging in a low-density area. I pay my rentals in United States dollars (USD) but I am not allowed to have any visitors. Also, there is a beautiful orchard but I am not allowed to pick any fruit from it. Instead, they expect me to buy from them. Last week the landlord was upset that I bought fruits from the supermarket. I like the place because it is very cosy, however, there are more don’ts than do’s.
I heard from other lodgers that once you complain about anything you are sent packing.
My sixth sense tells me that I need to speak to them, but l really do not know how to go about it. Please help me amai. I do not want to be treated as a child.
Response
Living spaces and arrangements are often difficult. Several tenants rarely find all they are looking for in one place. I think it is unfair that you are not allowed to have visitors.
If you keep the noise down and do not bring too many people in and out of the premises, that should be fine. If you feel strongly about it, approach the landlord and bring your point across.
I think if you do it respectfully, you will see eye to eye. Do not take in what other lodgers say. It may be mostly unwarranted gossip. As for the fruits, you cannot really argue about wanting some.
It is their orchard and they will do with it as they please. The landlord does not seem like the generous type.
Continue to buy your fruits from the supermarket. Please remember not to give a lot of these petty issues any attention because by doing so, you may make them bigger than they really are.
Lastly, you may want to scout the area for more favourable lodgings. It is important to have happiness and peace where you reside. Find a place and scenario that will work best for you. I wish you well.
***
Boyfriend afraid of commitment
Thank you so much for The Sunday Mail column. I am a 29-year-old woman and I am gainfully employed. I am madly in love with my childhood sweetheart. We went to the same schools from high school up to university.
Both our families are very close because of our relationship. I can even describe it as a ‘mini-marriage’. We hardly fight; we are very compatible.
My problem is he does not want to discuss marriage. I do not know why this is so. Our tetes from both sides tried to make him see sense but it was all in vain. Although he is the love of my life, I am beginning to regret a lot of things. The biological clock is now ticking and I am wondering why it is taking forever. The pressure from our tetes is mounting.
Instead of lobola he bought me a promise ring. This to me does not mean much. It is not even an engagement ring. At times I think of leaving him and starting afresh but the hindrance is my age. Starting all over again may mean devoting more years to dating. Please help me, I am so downhearted.
Response
Hello and thank you for following the column. I hope it is enriching your life and that of my many readers. I can feel your frustration. This guy has to man up if he truly wants to be with you. Have you ever asked him if he sees a wife in you? Does he have money for bride price or does he ever want to settle down? You need to have a talk with him.
Unfortunately you can only take the horse to the river but you cannot force it to drink. You are at crossroads. He may decide to marry you or not to. Only then will you know what to do going forward. I do not believe in forcing grown people into making a decision, but unless you tell him where you stand, this relationship may be pending for years.
I also feel like the way your families already treat the two of you as a married couple may be making him timid. I hope you get your answer and fast. You deserve to have peace of mind.
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