What’s in a song?

Thank you so much for this column. I’m struggling to find a solution to my problem, that’s why I’m writing to you. My husband proposed to me and I made him wait for three solid years before I said yes. After this long period I was truly convinced that he loved me, I am 32 and he is 35. We have been married for seven years and are now blessed with three kids, two boys and a girl.

Even though we have been together for some time now I find it peculiar that my husband is always singing ‘Since you have gone things are not the same in my life anymore I miss you’ and the song goes on.

This song is tearing us apart. My boss at work once said if you want to know more about a person pay attention to the songs they enjoy singing. Is my husband missing someone in his life? I complained about that song bitterly and he said karwiyo kakangoimbwawo zvakanaka.

He even sings this song subconsciously. Me and my husband takaroorana vematongo, we are from the same community. Did I marry a wrong person because it’s been sometime tichinetsana netunziyo twakadaro?

My main concern however is the tune he likes to sing along to, the one I mentioned earlier. Why can’t he stop this? What’s so special about this song? I love my family but this is bothering me so much. I am not a very beautiful woman but as a married woman I expect love from my hubby and handidi zvechitsotsi.

To tell you the truth I have on several occasions contemplated leaving him so that he gets his freedom back. Please amai help me I am so confused.

Response:

Thank you for writing in. My sixth sense tells me that you did not give me the full story. There could be other issues that have made you so unhappy in your marriage. Firstly let me help you by saying you should never look down upon yourself. Who told you that you are not very beautiful? Each individual is beautiful in their own way and in some cases it’s in the eyes of the beholder.

You are talking about chitsotsi, where is this coming from? Is your husband cheating on you? Is he starving you of the love you deserve and are entitled to? If my maths serves me right you have known each other for over 10 years, that’s a long time. You have invested so much in this union and you are contemplating quitting it for a song? Vasikana tipeiwo maserious.

Marriage is a lifelong companionship please treasure that. You were blessed with three beautiful children and you are prepared to walk away and leave these kids to grow up in a separate house from their mother because their father continues to sing a love song you don’t understand?

Yes it may be hurtful but weigh your options. I agree music can influence a person negatively or positively ndosaka vaye vanosvikirwa vachisutswa kana rwiyo rwasekuru rwaimbwa.

Some songs are solemn, some incite violence, pleasure or bad behavior but life is bigger than a song. Some songs are appreciated because of their lyrics, tunes, artists, places where they were first sung or even the dances they come with.

I personally sing in the shower every day but it is not reflective of anything that will be going on in my life at that moment. It’s a habit that provides self entertainment as I bath. I know the song you’re talking about, its titled ‘Forever Yours’ (Return) and it was written by Testic Conzoni and Diane Stephenson. It is pregnant with beautiful and meaningful lyrics. Tell your spouse what this song is doing to you. I listened to the song, its beautiful, why don’t you listen to the whole song without taking offense.

You don’t need a third party, this you can talk over with your hubby amicably. Take it easy ko vakatoimba ‘Eriza’ yaJah Prayzah munoita sei?

Don’t complicate your life by trying to split hairs. Enjoy your marriage and your family. Be of good cheer, it shall be well. I would be happy to hear from you again.

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Can tuition payments cancel an outstanding lobola debt?

Mai Chisamba I have a problem at home. I am 42 and my wife is 37. After we realised that my father-in-law was struggling to put my sister’s wife through school, my wife went home to take her and brought her to our home. She was doing Form 5 then and she is a very intelligent girl. As I write to you she is doing a degree programme at one of these local universities.

This has been quite a burden since I have my own two children vandiri kutotadza kuitira madanha. Both my parents are late and I have my own relatives who also need the type of help that I am giving to my sister-in-law.

My father-in-law is a pensioner and he also has a house in town that he rents out but he has never assisted me in anyway. I am not happy about what’s going on but what keeps me going is we have come a long way with mainini and I cannot just dump her midway. As I write this letter, my father-in-law came demanding for mombe dzedanga dzakasara when I paid lobola.

We are not on speaking terms because he is fuming about this debt. Can’t he see that I am over burdened by taking care of his youngest daughter?

I provide everything from accommodation, food and fees, where do I get the money from? I am so angry.

I am thinking of getting a loan to pay for his danga and that will be the end, handitsike futi pamusha pavo.

He is asking for too much, I may be mukuwasha yes but he should be appreciative and considerate. He is now coming between me and my marriage, although we haven’t openly spoken about it I can sense some tension arising from the situation.

I now regret this because I never did this for any of my people who are also desperate for assistance. Please help, how do I handle this?

Response

Thank you for helping your sister-in-law in her hour of need. It is my hope that before you took amainini on board you discussed this as a couple and then went on to take care of her. You are helping mainini as an individual and it’s a very good thing. People should always be treated as individuals although we belong to families and other social groupings.

Mainini as a person has not wronged you in any way according to this letter. Please don’t punish her for her father’s actions. When you agreed to help your sister-in-law you knew about your background and your struggling relatives in similar situations so what has changed? You also knew you owed your father in-law danga ravo so why are you so hurt?

Do you realise that looking after her does not mean the debt is cancelled unless you talked and agreed to do so nababa? These are two different arrangements.

In my view baba havana kutadza although he shouldn’t take offense if the money is not readily available. Lobola can be a long term payment depending on resources. You want to go and take a loan in order to silence baba, this does not help you at all.

Are you ready to pay the interest rate on that loan as well? I thought you said you are struggling. Why put yourself under so much stress? Why should you stop going to your in-laws home after the payment? It beats all logic, matsamweiko?

Musaputse chirongo masvika. What you have done for mainini is very commendable. Please when you do such things let it come from the heart because you will never complain. Always remember when you do good you do it for your God and he knows how to bless and thank you accordingly.

I agree baba should be more appreciative and try to help in his own small way since he is still alive and has a few resources. When you are in this mood do you ever think of your wife and children?

Please talk to munyai audze baba kuti munochiziva chikwereti asi muchakabatikana nechikoro chamainini, cash talk breaks no friendship. Stand tall and be counted for what you are doing, don’t be pushed into unnecessary fights. It pays to pray sincerely for your families. I wish you all the best.

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