Ndagarira mwana wangu

Thank you for your column in The Sunday Mail. I read it every week. I have, however, not come across anyone who has a situation similar to mine so your assistance will be greatly appreciated.

My issue is that ndakafuratidzwa moyo. I am a married man and have a child of preschool-going age. I anticipated happiness in marriage but have not found any. We both work but I am the man and the woman in the house. I am responsible for all household utilities, from rent to replacing buttons on my child’s uniform.

At times I do the ironing because the clothes can sit in the laundry basket for weeks if I do not attend to it. I buy the food and also work extensively on my parents’ plot, rearing chickens and doing horticulture. Ndingati tinotambura ndinenge ndichituka Mwari.

We could be better off since both of us work but she does nothing to help make our situation better. I do not eat at times. She will not cook what she does not like. When she knocks off she comes home late because at times I do the same – she says she will be revenging.

I am the one who goes shopping for groceries. I do not ask what she uses her money on because I got tired of it. We do not talk anymore. I have tried to talk to her relatives but they told me pamberi pake kuti mumba mune ma equal rights. Talking to her has yielded no fruits. I have given up on her.

My parents do not even visit us anymore because of her. Hakuna kana tennis inoenda kwavamwene. We are just under the same roof because of our daughter. It has been three years since we were last intimate. I have been severely put off by her character and actions.

I, however, feel for my daughter Mai Chisamba, because if I were to walk away, and leave her with her mother she would struggle. I have no problems taking care of the child because as it is I provide everything.

We were summoned at the school during Immunisation Week by the school nurse and social worker because our daughter was malnourished. I try to ensure that she has everything from fruits to yoghurts. I have even gone to the extent of drafting a meal schedule for her but my wife does not help me adhere to it.

I do not know how to go about it so I can leave this misery. I have my own imperfections but I want to be happy. One thing I know is I will never be happy in this marriage. I am in it because of my kid. What will my relatives say if I leave her?

Response
I was very saddened by your letter. There is nothing positive in your marriage. It is disturbing to hear you say that you are in this marriage because of your child. Love should be the sole purpose of any marital union – any other reason is void.

I assume you never went for pre-marital counseling because you sound like strangers. Your difference is similar to cheese and chalk. I have heard of lazy people but not to the extent of your wife. Your letter says it all. Why did you rush to start a family under such conditions?

This is not fair for the child, do you know she can die from malnutrition? She is surrounded by food but nobody can see that baby is fed. It is disgraceful for any caring parents to be summoned to the child’s school because of this.

Is your wife normal? Does she suffer from any ailment, which makes her unable to do what is expected of her? Your wife should be checked medically just to prove that all is well.

I know couples help each other depending on what they agree upon in their home. Your case is different. It is like you are a single parent and your child is worse than an orphan because at times your wife does not help to raise her when you are not around.

You have gone for three years without being intimate because you do not see eye-to-eye. This is not a marriage at all. You do not budget together nor do you put your resources in one place. You do not even talk – everything in this so-called marriage is absurd.

You have written for help but in your letter you strongly say that you will never be happy in this marriage so why are we wasting our time? I hear you and I feel for you. Wasvika kwazvakaperera.

You need to start over and see if anything can be salvaged from this. I know you are already married but I think you need to rope in a counselor who can work with you both – not as a married couple but as people in courtship. I feel sorry for the innocent kid but please continue taking good care of her.

When considering counseling please assess if you would want to rekindle your relationship otherwise it would be a waste of time.  Pray together sincerely, there is immense power in prayer.

Please keep me posted, I would be happy to hear from you again.

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