Mudzimba with Mai Chisamba: Wife is grossly inconsiderate

Mudzimba with Mai Chisamba: Wife is grossly inconsiderate

I am a married man aged 42 and my wife is 40. We are blessed with two boys and a daughter. The letter from last week about the moody boyfriend prompted me to share my sad experience with you.

I am very slow to anger but if pushed to the limits, dzikadambuka dzadambuka.

Over the years my wife had the upper hand in most things that we did as a couple; not because I wanted that but I wanted to avoid unnecessary fights.

My parents were never amused and in most cases my mother would call me dofo rakadyiswa. I am rightfully the head of the family and I should be consulted when certain transactions take place.

Recently we sold one of our cars. I instructed my wife to receive the US$5 000 and bank it. I never followed that up because I believed all was well.

I got the shock of my life when a message that was meant for my wife came to me by mistake. My wife’s friend was apologising on her husband’s behalf kuti varasiswa so vakutadza kudzosa the US$4 000 in time.

I went mad. I did not want to believe this was true. I consoled myself by thinking the message was not intended for either of us.

I phoned my wife to ask about it and she told me that she had loaned the couple US$4 000 and the other US$1 000 she had given to her mum because she wanted to sort out something urgently.

I was never consulted when all this was occurring. My parents are still alive and I have never done such a thing for them.

If such things can be done behind my back how many other things am I not aware of? US$5 000!

It’s been two months since that incident but not a single cent has been brought back. I have tried to take measures that I will not discuss here but it has been to no avail. We have had fights but still ane nharo.

The children have been affected by this badly.

She has moved out of the bedroom and I have given her an ultimatum that if that money is not back then we call it quits. I have had enough of this woman.

Response

I feel your anger and I believe it is justified. US$5 000 is an amount that can be used for many profitable ventures if managed properly.

You said hasha dzako kana dzadambuka dzadambuka, why let it get to that? We have an adage that says kamoto kamberevere kanopisa matanda mberi. In short we should nip problems in the bud instead of watching them grow.

You are contradicting yourself with what is on the ground when you say you are the head of the house but over the years you played second fiddle to your wife because you were avoiding unnecessary fights saka ndochii ichocho?

That is a very lame excuse.

In marriage everyone should play his/her role otherwise it will be very difficult to correct, mbambaira haina panel beating.

Your ages suggest you are a mature couple but your actions do not reflect this. Your wife is behaving like a spoilt brat who gets away with anything.

Why is she still in this union if she has left the bedroom? Were you being violent?

You are a role model to your kids, set a good example for them and do not compromise their upbringing by allowing them to see their parents fighting.

Your letter shows that even before this incident your marriage was not a happy one.

Your wife shows gross disrespect, she did not give you feedback on the payment nor did she consult you before lending money to other parties.

The money is for you as a couple. The couple who borrowed the money did so as a pair – why did that not knock a little bit of sense into her head?

It is shameful for a mother in-law to be involved in mari dzevakwasha zvakadai. My advice is why not go legal so that you are assisted professionally.

For your marriage, I think it is in your best interest to engage a counselor.

To your mother in-law I say please pay back the money. Going through courts will destroy your relationship.

My advice to you is gudo guru peta muswe vaduku vagokuremekedza.

It is my hope that you recover your money and mend your marriage. I wish you all the best.

Name mix-up

cost me fiancé

My problem may not seem that serious but it is eating away at me. I am 24 and my boyfriend is 26; we are madly in love and plan to get married soon.

My ex-boyfriend shares the same name with my younger brother. I have mistakenly called my current boyfriend by that name twice.

He does not like it and he thinks I do it on purpose just to spite him. It is because I am used to calling my brother by that name — it has nothing to do with my ex but he is not having it.

We have not spoken in a week and now I regret this, I do not know what to do. He is not the only one I call by my brother’s name when I am absent minded.

I sent a message apologising but he never responded. I do not want to imagine the worst.

We are both gainfully employed and work in the same town so we meet up every afternoon at lunch and go to the restaurant but he never came to meet me the whole week.

I am shattered. Please help. Is this the end of such a wonderful relationship? We have introduced each other to our families and everything seemed to be on course kuti tiroorane, ndapererwa hangu.

I will do whatever it takes to win his heart back, please help.

Response

Yes, wapererwa for sure as you say.

I understand you and I know it is not intentional. It is not easy either for your boyfriend but he should try and get used to this name because if you are going to get married it is a name that he shall call and even hear other people calling.

He should not be self-centred. There is so much more daunting stuff that can potentially tear down a relationship than a name. Why all the fuss?

If you are considering marriage you also need to learn to trust each other, he should trust you when you say you absent-mindedly call him by your brother’s name.

In this case no one can say for certain who you meant. Marriage is bigger than names.

Life is a cycle munogona kuzoerekana mava ma neighbours with an old flame, what will you do? Do you sell your house and run away? What happens if you board the same bus, do you disembark?

You need to become a bit more mature and sensible if you truly intend on getting married.

In a healthy relationship people communicate they do not just ignore one another and behave like kids at a nursery school.

You have done the official introductions and that is a step in the right direction. If he is not responding to your messages try talking to him in person and clear this.

Now that you have gone through this try and train yourself to call everyone by their actual names or accepted nicknames. You can even avoid mix-ups’ by calling your boyfriend honey, sweetheart, chipondamoyo or whatever you prefer.

Having lunch together sounds romantic. You cannot let that go because of something as trivial as a name mix-up.

I am not saying people should accept being called by other people’s names but your case is exceptional. I hope this works out.

To your boyfriend I say, a real man haangoramwaramwa so. I wish you all the best.

***

Dress code yekuroorwa ndaitadza

I am a young and confused woman. I am 23 and my husband is 24. I used to dress as I pleased when we were dating and he would compliment me.

We tied the knot a few months ago and are expecting our first baby but already I have more don’ts than dos. When it comes to dressing it is now a case of mukadzi wemunhu does not wear torn jeans, short skirts, small tops, revealing clothes and so forth.

It seems I have to start a new mukadzi wemunhu wardrobe and this is very frustrating. I thought he was a cool guy, aiwa bharanzi raani nhai.

He is really pushing it and I feel like a school girl. It seems he has to approve of what I wear I do not know what his next step would be and I dread that.

I suspect he got some of this nonsense from madhara ekuChurch kwavo vakamuitira bachelor’s party because he was never like that.

I don’t want to feel I married a tyrant. I told him that if he continues like this I will go back to my parents. I allow him to dress as he pleases.

I have not complained to anyone not even my parents. I want your opinion first Mai Chisamba, I know you tell it as it is. My love for him yakutodzikawo because I am very angry. Please assist.

Response

I am honoured that someone who does not know me personally wants to consider what I say before anyone else chips in.

First, let me congratulate you for tying the knot and welcome you to the marriage society. Your baby is a gift from God.

My heart bleeds when young couples like you begin their married life with fights and disagreements. I know for a fact that most of these main line churches take you through counselling sessions before you even tie the knot so that you do not plunge into marriage.

This is a very good stage where one gets to know what to expect. At times parents forgo certain pleasures for the sake of their children.

Yes, some people change a lot, such as their dress code but it does not happen overnight and it takes place quicker when you are not pushed to do so.

Do not be quick to blame anababa vekuChurch because wakange usiko. The issue of mukadzi/murume wemunhu is very critical in our culture but people decide on how to adjust if need be.

It should not be one sided. I do not understand how your husband made an about turn. This should have been stated during your courtship ndiko kwamunogadzirisana ikoko.

My understanding is that yes, people can wear whatever they want but you need to always ask yourself if you are decently dressed.

Dress the way you want to be addressed, as a happy, young mother-to-be.

Marriage is a lifetime commitment, kwamava ndiko kwava kumba kwenyu. Which home do you want to go back to?

Discuss the issue of dressing or go to grooming classes and be assisted by professionals. Your husband is your better half, your soul mate you do not dare call him bharanzi.

Remember, birds of a feather flock together. Ko mukadzi webharanzi anonzii? Easy on the pedal enjoy your marriage hasha shoma.

Pray for your marriage. I wish you all the best.

 

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