Mudzimba with Mai Chisamba: Mother-in-law  calls the shots
Muchato is about true love, sincerity and exchanging heartfelt vows. People should not be pressured to have a big wedding

Mudzimba with Mai Chisamba: Mother-in-law calls the shots

We stay with our in-laws. My father in-law is late so amai does not want us to go and look for accommodation elsewhere. My husband enjoys taking a bath with me all the time — the problem, however, is that this is not going down well with my mother in-law.

MUDZIMBA with Mai Chisamba
MUDZIMBA with Mai Chisamba

She accuses me of kuvasvotesa since she no longer has a husband. I am confused because my hubby insists that is the way he wants it. During the night we lock our bedroom door and to my surprise she does not like this either. She says murikundipumha uroyi indirectly.

I personally like to clean and organise my bedroom, but in some cases I do not have the time to do it before I go for work.

My mother in-law usually takes these opportunities to make my bed, change the order in my room and pack the closet. I think she is crossing my path and violating my personal space.

I do not like this Mai Chisamba, I am so unhappy and it is affecting our marriage. I told my husband to talk to his mother and he said ndaneta, havateereri. She is always boasting about her house and she thinks she can push us back and forth because we are at her house.

Our relationship is now at rock bottom please assist. It is like I am married to two men – who do I listen to? Please assist.

Response

It seems it is a huge problem to have muroora and amwene under the same roof for a long time. This arrangement of having the whole family share a house, though convenient, just does not work.

That is not African. I repeat, muroora anobikiswa haagarwe naye. If she dies under such an environment her husband’s family will be made to pay (kuripiswa) because haana kupiwa pake.

Your mother in-law is overstepping.

There is nothing wrong with you and your husband sharing a bath if you have the proper facility because you are one flesh. Amai havazvinzwewo here mumichato nemubhuku dzvene.

I do not understand why she complains about you being in the bathroom for 15 to 20 minutes with your spouse, why does she not complain about the long hours of the night you spend in the same bedroom?

It defeats all logic.

Yeuroyi iyo vari kutsvaga kudenha chaiko, does locking your door keep the witches out? Ngavatipe maserious amai zvovoita sepwere vanosvotwa kana muroora achirezvana nemwana wavo.

People lock their doors for security and privacy and it is within your right to do so. As far as the issues you raised in your letter are concerned I think it is best to listen to your husband because there is nothing he can really do.

The truth of the matter is amai is clutching at straws, hapana nyaya apa.

Now about making your bed and cleaning up your bedroom, I think it makes sense if amai waits until she is asked to do so.

Yes, it is a good gesture asi kubata uriri hwemuroora pasina chanetsa kubata wanano. My advice is there is only one prescription I can issue to you. It may sound mean or harsh but you are better off looking for alternative accommodation.

You need your own space where you make the rules that govern your own house. This will definitely improve your relationship with amai.

Lastly huchapa hwekuti you go to work before you make your bed hauite, kungobudawo here vasikana setsuro? I would be happy to hear from you again.

Forced to pay for babamudiki’s wedding

I am sorry to say this but comparatively speaking misha isina vana amwene ine runyararo. I am happily married and have two children both teenagers, one is doing O-Level and the other is in Upper Six.

They are at a private school and the fees are quite high but we cannot complain because it is our choice to have them there.

My husband is the eldest in a family of five. The last born, his brother, will be wedding before Christmas this year. The wedding meetings are full of impositions; so and so must provide this and that. They are dreaming of a semi-Hollywood wedding and yet they do not have a budget.

Everyone is saying they do not have the money. Our own tezvara suggested they have a court wedding then have the church one whenever they can afford but amai is not buying that.

Every week something new comes up isu tiri kungonzi ndimi vakuru ngazvifambe. How do we get ourselves out of this?

It has already brought a lot of tension between the family and the new couple. We do not mind assisting but to be pushed into doing something that you know you cannot afford is not fair.

Our priority is fees, not this wedding. How do we get through to amai and a few overzealous people? Hatidi zvinounza mutauro mudzimba dzevamwe. What is your take on this?

Response

This is a very sad scenario because it waters down the whole wedding before you even get to it.

Where is this couple’s pride? How can they dream of a wedding which they cannot afford? What is the purpose? Kanzatu for a wedding, that is cheap, how old are these guys? Vari kundundurutswa sezvirei?

I think families have lost the true meaning of a wedding because we hear some now even take the begging bowl to the church kunokorokoza mari yemuchato. Muchato is about true love, sincerity and exchanging heartfelt vows. People should not be pressured to have a big wedding.

Some couples are forced to start their new life with huge debts and that is starting on a wrong note and the stress can lead to divorce soon after saka munenge maiteiko?

I think baba has a good point: why is the family not taking heed of that? My advice is for you guys to have a private family meeting with your spouses, amai and baba.

Let baba chair this meeting and give him a chance to state why he prefers a civil court marriage (5:11) union which has the same value as a white wedding. Be frank to one another, speak your minds and if need be let each one say how much they can put towards the wedding, those who cannot assist financially can play their part in kind let it be known how.

Amai should be given a chance to talk about her contribution in cash or kind. After this meeting I think it will be clear how a way forward can be mapped.

It is my assumption that in every home there is someone who has the last and final word in most homes it is the father saka vopa pfungwa dzavo. Please do not live beyond your means. A wedding should be a good send-off from family and friends not a strain on them. Those who assist should do it from the heart and should not brag or despise the couple after this. To the new couple I say remember the adage that says “badza rekukumbira harina ndima”. I hope you cross the bridge when you get to it.

I wish you all the best.

***

Church youths are off track

I am a churchgoer, I am a married man blessed with four children three boys and one girl. I have made a very sad observation about the youth guild/brigade in our church and in other churches too.

This group is bringing Christianity into disrepute. They behave in a similar way to kombi drivers whether they are in the main line churches or pentecostals.

People who are responsible for keeping an eye on these youths are failing miserably. If a child wants to experience mischief they join these groups that is where they can experience how to spend a night out or a weekend out.

If the truth be told ndiko kune mviromviro yeupenzi. If we are not careful before we know it the churches will be breeding rascals. Are you aware that some kids drink, smoke and engage in sexual activities during the so called night vigils or whatever these groupings are called?

Mai Chisamba, I write to you as a concerned parent, I know some people will want to jump in and rubbish what I have said but this is true. Some of those loveless marriages come as a result of these groupings. Some young pastors and priests fuel this because they enjoy this and take advantage of these innocent kids in the name of the church. Parents please let us be watchful of these activities at times we pay hard-earned money to have our kids abused.

Some men of the cloth are stuck with wives they do not love or respect because vakangouya iri mhosva from these groupings. I could go on and on about how we should try to curb this as concerned stakeholders. Our people have a problem they do not want such issues to be unveiled muchaona kupopota nekuvhara kuti kwedu hazviite and so on. Do you not think this would be a good topic on your show too?

Response

Your letter makes very sad reading. Thank you for your concern and for opening this can of worms. I have received a couple of letters where people raised their concerns about the youths in different denominations. It is a very sensitive issue and I will try and give my personal view which may be different from that of others. I do not know if I am qualified to respond to this but because you have written to my column it means you have faith in me.

In our culture we say “kuzvara kwemumwe kuzvara kwakowo” so I will extend and invite other people who may have solutions or ideas to curb this to write in. I suggest that instead of having a big youth group churches have smaller groups with adults who oversee them. Instead of letting these kids go to camping resorts they should perhaps use their church grounds as places to discuss whatever it is that concerns them.

Consumption of alcohol and smoking should be prohibited. Churches could also rope in members who will work as chaperones or facilitators to keep the kids in check. This, of course, will not stop the rot completely but it will make it harder to stray off the path. The youths should not take love lightly. Marriage is a lifetime commitment, I always say a loveless marriage is like a life in jail.

Hazvisi zvekuti kana doro rapera hauchada munhu waunaye. As parents and adults we should continue to teach our children proper values and that there is a big difference between a church and a nightclub. This is not good news especially coming from the churches. Izvi hazvina kunzi ndozviri kuitika kwese kungoti kwazviri kuitika ngazvitariswe. Some people are using the churches for wrong reasons maybe that is another factor misleading the young ones.

Every congregant has a positive part to play. In most churches it is the girl child who wears the uniform, why? Food for thought. Last but not least let me say to all parents and concerned people gavi rakanaka rinobva kumasvuriro (charity begins at home).

How safe is your home? How disciplined are your children? Let us all pray for the youths, they are the future. I will consider it as topic for discussion on my show in future and thank you for the suggestion.

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  • Jojo

    To the lady who is complaining about her mother-in-law, the problem could be bigger than you think. Some mothers do not wean (or “kurumura” in Shona) their sons for ritual purposes. I know someone who went through a similar experience- the mother in law would not allow the couple to move out of her house because she was actually sleeping with the son. The wife suspected something was amiss and consulted traditional elders who confirmed the horrific arrangement. The man and wife moved out thereafter but a few days later the man developed a mysterious mental ailment and died 6 months later.
    The fact that she objects to you having a bath with her son and also interferes with your bedroom activities is enough to cause alarm. Get out whilst you can but watch out, such mothers will not let go without a fight.

  • jane

    Jane