Mudzimba with Mai Chisamba: I messed up big time

Mai Chisamba, my heart is heavy and I have failed forgive myself. I am in a very stable relationship, all being equal, my would-be spouse is going to pay lobola in mid-October this year for me.

I am 24 and he is 26. Last year we had an end-of-year party and most people drank alcoholic beverages. I went for a certain type of sweet wine and I got quite drunk.

Dr Rebecca Chisamba
Dr Rebecca Chisamba

I am the boss’s secretary and on this day he called me to the office pretending that he wanted something.

I walked across from where we were having the party, the moment I got into the office he stood up and kissed me, the unfortunate thing is I responded because I was in this drunken state.

Kunge zvinei a certain lady followed bringing my phone, my boyfriend was on the line.

Akati here is your phone it’s ringing, kunyara kunokunda kufa.

I sobered down then just moved away, to tell the truth it was just one stolen kiss and nothing else.

I could not even rejoin the rest of the staff, I went straight home. I just didn’t know what to do.

The lady who followed me anonzi “Zimwaya” – hapana chinogara muhana make. That very evening vekubasa were calling and asking.

I knew Zimwaya had done what she knows best.

My boss has since apologised and we never talked about this again. My problem is what if my boyfriend hears about this?

I don’t feel comfortable whenever he comes to pick me up ndinotya kuti achaudzwa nezvisizvo.

Both our families are now aware of our intentions. I don’t want to be embarrassed. My boss is married saka ndingafirei.

There is a lot of tension at work nenyaya dzekudzingwa mabasa idzi and ini ndiri kurehwa kuti pachasara “small house” yaboss.

Please help, my conscience is killing me.

Response

Unfortunately, I have no kind words for you. What you did is both shameful and childish.

My personal opinion is you are now trying to hide behind the wine.

If you managed to pull off from your boss when this lady bumped in then it means you were of a sound mind. Why didn’t you continue? Why were you embarrassed? Munhu akadhakwa haazive kunyara.

The fact that you responded waters down your case. You say you are in a stable relationship, why then involve yourself with a married man? In your letter you don’t even talk about resisting you just went straight into his arms and started kissing, inga zvapfava nhai.

I am sorry to bombard you with so many questions, I am trying to make sense.

Had this colleague not followed you with your phone manga muchaperera papi? Was this the first time your boss made advances on you?

Because the normal thing is munhu anombokandawo kashoko or just sweet talk you kwete kungosimuka nekungotanga? I don’t want to dwell on Zimwaya because on this particular day you gave her what to talk about.

The positive thing is you still have a conscience, you feel guilty and you don’t want to hurt the love of your life. The truth is you can’t move on before you clear your conscience.

Don’t wait for Zimwaya or anyone to tell your would-be spouse, pamwe zviri kutotaurwa zvakakura kupfuura the kiss you are talking about.

My advice is consult a counsellor who will help you confess to your boyfriend in a way that will not disturb your plans and your future. Mabasa ari kunetsa hawo but try and look for alternative employment so that you start on a clean slate and your would-be spouse’s mind will be at rest.

Don’t go into a marriage with skeletons in your cupboard, if he loves you munongogadzirisana. Dai zvaigona wambosiya hako doro and wine – une marambadoro. I mean well, I hope you won’t take offence. Pray over this sincerely and God will do the best. I wish you all the best.

Vamwene has become a beast

Mine is both my problem and an observation. I am 26-years-old, my hubby is 27 and we have a lovely son and are happily married.

I talk to other young couples and it seems our problems are universal. When I tied the knot with my husband my mother-in-law ran around making sure that my wedding was beautiful. She spoke highly of me and some of my friends were green with envy vachiti zvako wena vamwene vako vanofara so.

My own mother cried tears of joy, saying my husband’s family was a blessing. Hardly two years into the marriage she is doing the opposite: vanotuka, vane hurevi.

I asked my other sister-in-law (mukadzin’ina), all she said was welcome to the real world, this is the time we all have been waiting for ndiwo magariro avo chaiwo.

I tried sounding out my colleagues at work most of them are going through the same problems if not worse. Mai Chisamba, what’s happening, why is it a common thing now kuti vanhu vakawanda havanzwanane? Why do they pretend? Please help, is there anything that I am missing?

Response

Wow what an observation! There are so many reasons why our people have fallen by the wayside.

I think most parents, especially, mothers cannot let go. The man who tied the knot, now someone’s husband continues to be his mother’s boy.

Instead of planning and working with his wife he continues to ask mum.

This too goes for women who remain attached to their families. Wanano kuzvimirira mega semhuri itsva, of course, couples can consult but not every now and then.

When you marry you let your family know that you have picked your best and you will never go back on that one. Always protect your spouse against cheap gossip, segregations, etc.

Families should desist from comparing people, every person is unique and deserves respect unless otherwise. Too many demands from outside are not good for any relationship, vanhu ngavape nekuyamura sekugona kwavo don’t put pressure on these couples. There is no need for people to pretend to be who they are not because it does not last, rine manyanga hariputirwe.

There is no perfection in life but we all should make an effort not to cross other people’s paths unnecessarily. Despite your misgivings I am happy that you are happily married, that’s a big plus and that’s what matters most. You are a good tag team, as I often say join hands and make a difference.

Each marriage should add value to the families concerned kwete kutokonzeresa. My advice is continue to do good and to pray sincerely for your families and everything will fall into place. Chakanaka chakanaka mukaka haurungwe. Enjoy your marriage. I wish you all the best.

TETE IS ARROGANT

Last week I had to borrow some money from a friend kungoti ndigone kupedza mwedzi. I passed through my sister-in-law’s place just to say hello, I was coming from a supermarket where I had picked up some groceries.

Tete and her kids vakanditambira and I assumed they had put my things aside. I was offered a drink and I said yes, little did I know that they had helped themselves to my groceries. Their maid started preparing relish for supper and she took a packet of beef kuisa pamoto.

I was there for nearly an hour and then decided to say goodbye. I asked for my parcels and I got the shock of my life when tete said tashandisa zvimwe because we thought you had brought that for us. I was upset.

Hausi muromo here Mai Chisamba, to just start using things that which you have not been officially given. I told tete that it was wrong and what made it worse was her answer.

She said musapote muchiuya nezvinhu zvenyu pamba pevarombo musinga taure kuti muri kupfurira nazvo. She then instructed the maid to put the half cooked meat in a basin for me to take. We had an exchange, I refused to take whatever they had used. Since that day we don’t talk even if we meet during family gatherings, I now feel so uneasy about the whole thing.

Tese tiri madzimai eruwadzano kuma church edu. How do I break the ice, it’s affecting our families. Please help.

Response

As a people we should go back to the drawing board and start afresh. We have a culture of respecting someone’s property.

One does not open or tamper with anyone’s things until they are officially given. This is a basic part of our upbringing. Where have our cultural values gone to? I am shocked by tete’s arrogance to say the least. All she should have done was to apologise and ask if she could replace the groceries they had used.

The way she behaved now makes the whole drama suspicious. Yes people make mistakes and this could have been one of them but the arrogance was uncalled for. Why is she talking about her poverty?

Where is it coming from? Ko sei vasina kutenda maparcels aya because if she had done so she could have been told kuti hazvisi zvavo. How could one rush to offer some juice that the same visitor had brought? Ko kuzomhanyira kubika nyama?

There are more questions than answers. I think you both made a storm from a tea cup, there was no need for the verbal fight, satete nemuroora you should have laughed this off. My advice is go with your husband to tete’s place and tell her that what happened is now water under the bridge.

As Christians and vana mai veruwadzano your core business is to build families not the other way round. Think of your husbands and children. I suggest that you go with your spouse who is her brother to stand as a witness nemunyarikani.

Start with a sincere prayer then talk this over. You need each other, you are family. The groceries we are talking about rakapera but you are still around. Vatete muromo ngavaite mushoma vadzikame, kwavakaita uku ndiko kunonzi kuba, kutora vasina kupihwa.

Be of good cheer, it shall be well, remember we don’t pay for sin in the same coin. I am happy that despite all this you have taken the first bold step to put things right. I wish you all the best.

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