Mudzimba with Mai Chisamba: Hubby is arrogant, belittles me

Hubby is arrogant, belittles me

Way back when we were still dating I took my then boyfriend to tete and she was not impressed. Vakati mukomana uyu anodada, achakunetsa.

We continued with our courtship until we got married, we now have two kids.

My marriage is full of regrets, I wish I had listened to tete back then. You know when you are in love unongoti zvese zvakashata zvichapera after marriage.

Murume wangu looks down upon me, anondidadira pamwe kutoratidza kundisema just like what tete observed.

Believe it or not we can drive to Mutare where he comes from asingataure neni, if he does answer it’s just a word or two. During meal times he doesn’t sit at the table with me and the kids, he dishes his food and goes to eat either in the bedroom or lounge. When we go to family functions igaroziva he will not sit by my side, why, I don’t know. I can go on and on zvese zvakangoshata.

The last photographs dzatakamira tiri two ndedze pamuchato, the rest maybe inenge iri group or family photo. He is killing me psychologically, he would rather talk to the kids.

This is a national newspaper, so I can’t say much about my bedroom life, anoita seachadonha pamubhedha nekundisuduruka. The only positive thing about him is he is a good dad that I can’t take away from him. Please advise me, I love my husband and I love my kids but I have come to a breaking point. Ndinosvikepi ndichiitwa semukadzi wenhaka?

I have soldiered on, I have no one to tell, tete vakati ndakakuudza when it mattered most.

Response

You thought a person’s weaknesses would disappear after marriage, that’s not 100 percent true. Pre-marital counselling plays a pivotal role because you get to know about your would-be spouse before you commit yourself.

Vakuru vanoti rooranai vematongo nekuti munozivana. Yes, tete had observed this back then but she must not give up on you, she actually should have followed closely to see whether the guy had improved or not.

Hutete ibasa remhuri, hariperi – it’s a lifetime duty.

Your husband does not understand why he got married and what marriage is all about. In this union you are one and you are his better half and how on Earth can a person look down upon this special half? Why does he sleep at the very edge of the bed? Why is he avoiding close contact with you? Mukati jongwe harina kutiza mudanga imi, vachiri kuzvikwanisa here zvebonde?

People choose spouses they want to love and spend the rest of their lives with so kana usiri mukadzi wenhaka what is the problem? It’s mean and cruel to ignore your spouse, that’s torture.

The worst is he has always been like this, you married him assuming that he would change. As I always say marriage is bottle necked and it’s different from the famous kids game, jump in jump out – it’s not just easy to come out and say ndakuenda kumba kwedu.

My advice is you need to work on your marriage. Rope in a professional counselor who will work with both of you.

The good thing is you love your husband and family, yes that’s what it should be. The counselor will take him back through memory lane maybe something happened in his early life and was left unattended.

Remember to pray sincerely for your marriage, there is immense power in prayer. Be of good cheer it shall be well muchatozodiwa zvinopa dzungu. Stick to the fight when you are hardest hit. I wish you all the best. Keep me posted.

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What a shameless neighbour!

I stay in Mashava with my husband and two kids, we are a happy family. Mai Chisamba, I am really bothered by my neighbour who cannot look after his cat, it is always in my house and I just do not like that.

I talked to him first when I found his cat eating from the same plate with my one-year-old baby. He was extremely rude, he said “itai zvamafunga kana kuiuraya pachenyu”.

A few days ago my seven-year-old daughter screamed when she found the cat in her bed, I tried to persuade her to go back to her bedroom after we had chased the cat away but she would have none of it. We had to share our bed with her because she was so scared. Taikanda panze katsi yacho yaichema ichimara door. I went to call him and he refused to come. He said if there was something his cat wanted at our house, pedzeranai. Ini ndinopedzerana chii nekatsi?

I just don’t understand him when he says it’s difficult to control a cat because it’s a hunting animal. What can I do? Please help. My daughter achiri kungo vhumuka and handidi katsi mu yard mangu.

Response

I hear you and know what you are going through, I am a mother too. What a disgraceful neighbour you have, he should be ashamed of himself. Why does he keep animals if he cannot look after them?

My assumption is he is neglecting and starving this cat that’s why it comes to your home in search of food.

Animals are animals, they should never share food from the same plate with humans. I hope you had your baby checked because animals that are not properly looked after have a possibility of carrying germs.

From your letter I can see that this guy is not an animal lover that’s why he even suggested that you kill the cat. Why is he keeping it in the first place? My advice is next time it comes to your place take it to the nearest SPCA because this is the institution for stray animals – but don’t do this behind his back, let him know.

Your neighbour should be like your brother because in fortunate and unfortunate times you stand together. You need each other, you should both try to make your relationship work mungaparadzaniswe nekatsi here?

If push comes to shove zvikaramba then the only option would be to report him to the law enforcement agencies so that you are protected against each other. Kana mwana achiri kuvhumuka please seek medical assistance immediately you may never know what’s triggering this. I wish you all the best.

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The guy is mummy’s boy

I am a 25-year-old woman, recently married. I cry every day and regret why I ever got myself into this. I have no problem with my spouse but magariro Mai Chisamba. I don’t think I can take this anymore. We stay at my husband’s family house. My husband is the eldest so ndini maiguru, the brother who comes after him is also married so we are two varoora.

In all there are five brothers. The order of the day at this homestead is chinyeyo, madimikira, the list goes on. Kukondana kana magetsi nekudya zvapera, amwene too demanding plus havagutsikane vanongo gunun’una.

I tried to convince my husband that we should get alternative accommodation but he says mutemo ndewekuti hapana anobva pamba. I feel like a prisoner, I am unhappy.

This means I can’t buy midziyo yangu because even if I do, where do I keep it? Is this what marriage is about? I feel like going back to my parents because this is not life, hupenyu hunorwadza kudai.

I prefer being at work than at home, even if I fall sick I still go to work because it’s a better place in terms of peace and happiness. Already we are too many ko tikazoita vana?

Please help, I am so unhappy and I don’t want to make a wrong move.

Response

You sound so downhearted and yet you say were recently married. I don’t know what has become of our people, things like where you would want to stay, the number of children you would want to have if God granted you were the common things would-be spouses talked about before they got married.

To me you sound like people who just bumped into each other and got married there and then. What were your plans like when you were dating? Hupenyu hunorongwa.

I agree, you need your own space so that you can do things the way the two of you want. I have responded to similar concerns from young brides and I will repeat for your sake and others who may be in the same situation.

Parents should learn to let go, mutemo wepi wekuti vana vakaroorana vanogara nevabereki? In our culture muroora anobikiswa kuti arumuke, nyaya yekukara nekuda tunhu ndiyo inoita kuti vanhu varambe vakaungana.

It’s not good for family relationships hence you are talking about gossip and the like. Marriage is supposed to be a happy institution full of love and peace. You need to work on your marriage, nyaya yekudzokera kumba kwenyu is both childish and useless.

It’s not good for you and your spouse. There are too many constraints at the family home and I think it’s affecting everyone.

My advice is rope in a professional counsellor who will speak to you as a couple and also speak to your in-laws.

There are great advantages in staying at separate places. Ko kana mongogara pamba pavamwene hama dzemukadzi uyu dzinoshanyawo rinhi dzichiita madanha?

I think it’s grossly unfair bearing in mind that each marriage consists of two families. Please don’t go away usaremedze murume wako ari pakati pamai vake newe.

When you talk about this you should not be emotional, calm down first. If you agree to move out do it in a normal and respectable way with hugs and goodbyes. You are family you need each other. Always remember to pray for your marriage and families. Love your spouse and enjoy your marriage.

I wish you all the best.

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