Mudzimba with Mai Chisamba: Abused in the name of church

Abused in the name of church

THANK you so much for your column.

I was given to my babamukuru, a 61 -year-old, at a tender age of 14.

This is because zvinotendedzwa ne church yedu. I suffered at the hands of vatete because she was against the idea of me being the second wife. I was more of a slave than anything else, zidhara iroro raindidadira and also abusing me.

Mai Chisamba, I decided to run away but no one was bothered by my disappearance. I ended up being employed as a housemaid and my employers proved to be God-given, I experienced true love and they encouraged me to study.

I communicated with my mother privately, baba vaisada kundiona; his conditions were for me to go back kuzimurume ratete or vaizopedzerana neni.

As I write this letter mufunge I managed to do my O- and A-Levels. I am now an attractive educated lady. I am in love with a guy and I am open with him and for once I really found a shoulder to cry on. This guy wants us to get married. I am 20 years old now.

Babamukuru vari kupenga kuti I am his wife and yet I suffered so much, he traumatised me. Can you ever imagine being forced to bed a man as old as your father iwe usingamude? My father sent a message saying he will not accept lobola from my boyfriend, apawo iye nehama dzake vanoda zvekuroora pachivanhu zvine hunhu.

I am confused and disappointed about this whole thing, please help.

I was young; I don’t even know what babamukuru gave my father for me to be his wife. Tete and I are sworn enemies; I am now between the depth and the devil, please help.

Response

Thank you so much for reading my column, I am happy to have picked your letter this week.

I felt sorry about your childhood. I do not understand these churches; how on earth do you expect a 14-year-old to be someone’s wife?

Why give your daughter to your sister’s husband? It does not make sense at all. For your information babamukuru’s place is in jail because that was rape at its worst. One thing that you can’t impose is love.

How can a loving father see his child being enslaved? Where in the Bible is this written? One has to be careful because some of what we see nowadays are not churches, although, they go by that name, they are no better than cults.

I am very happy you told your boyfriend the truth, achabatsirana newe kushanda nyaya iyi. As people we have a culture and it forces us to seek permission from our parents to get married. The law of the land on the other hand iri pamusoro petsika nemagariro, allows you to marry a man or woman of your choice as long as you are majors; mind you our legal age of majority is 18 years.

Hatizvikurudzire asi zvinobvumwa neziso remutemo. My advice is let’s try and do whatever it takes to keep our relationship with our families in good shape first. Go through vana tete, sekuru or vasahwira and present your case.

Your parents especially baba should be told kuti vari kuita zviri kunze kwemutemo vanosungwa. You should also try to make peace with tete; she must understand that it was not your fault.

She will be one of the first few people who will genuinely assist you nekuti vanobva vaziva kuti hakuchina barika.

If you know of any kids going through forced marriages please give me their details and the names of the perpetrators tiendese kune vemutemo, even the names of the so called churches kana pane humbowo hwakakwana.

For now let’s try this. I will call you so that we speak verbally pane zvakawanda zvatagurisira. Last but not least I want to say thank you to your employers, they gave you love and life it’s a rare occurrence. I wish you all the best.

What is in a hair style?

Thank you so much for this platform, it’s so helpful.

I am married to a fashion conscious woman and at times I feel she overdoes it. Sometimes I just turn a blind eye but zvimwe zvacho ndakutonyarawo kuti ndiye mudzimai wangu.

We have been married for just over five years. I can’t say we get on so well now but it’s fairly OK. I don’t know whether I am the problem or she is. To be honest ini zvangu I am a conservative and my wife used to be when we met, even during dating.

After we got married she worked for a company which insisted on formal dress code, she looked pretty and dignified. After a brief stint she joined another company, we were both happy because everyone is looking for greener pastures. After a few months hell broke loose: the make-up she wears, the wild hair styles . . .

This has brought a lot of misunderstandings between us; at times she really looks like a circus clown. She goes kubasa akapfeka tuma tights, tuma mini, I don’t like this. I spoke to her tete who encouraged her to tone down zvakashaya basa. My parents have complained about this but she says it’s her right to express herself the way she feels. The most painful thing is this fashion nonsense has been extended to our four-year-old daughter.

Mwana anoiswa ma weave, anoiswa dye mumusoro anotengerwa tuma high heels twaanotadza kufamba natwo, anoiswa colourful nail polish. I hate this but all she does is to hit back and say I am a backward fool. I used to enjoy driving around with my family during weekends and holidays but can’t do it anymore – ndonyara.

I feel sorry for my daughter, please help. If the child goes to my parents’ place anouya abiswa zvese izvozvo, so the other day we had a verbal fight because she was saying what are your parents trying to prove? Mai Chisamba, we are drifting apart. I can’t even drop-off my daughter at crèche because of how she will be dressed plus zvima weave. I miss that as a parent and I can’t take it anymore.

Response

Thank you so much for reading my column and thank you for the testimony that it’s helping you. I hope I will be able to assist, you sound so unhappy and yet you have only been married for just over five years.

Your marriage is still in its cradle, zvatorema kare? We all know that marriages are made in heaven and God does not make mistakes because he is divine. For this reason we should love and respect each other.

I will start with your concern for your daughter, that alone shows you are a great father. Children are not little adults – they are just kids, let them be that. It’s regrettable that some unprofessional people have found their way into our beauty salon. No hair stylist worth her salt would ever put a weave on a four-year-old girl. This is not even healthy; the child’s scalp is damaged in the process. Besides kuvaviwa, some kids spend hours vachichema vachirukwa. The discomfort during the day and night is punishment enough for the child.

Seasoned hairstylists will look at the child’s best interest first before looking at the dollar. You expose these kids to a lot of unnecessary problems, regai dzive shiri mazai haana muto, quite a powerful adage. I don’t know what has happened to our young generation, you learn about parenthood even about good marriage in advance. Mukadzi wako ari kutyora kodzero dzemwana.

For your information, kids don’t wear heels zvinokuvadza makumbo avo vachiri vadiki, kumwe kutenga tenga kunoratidza kusaziva chaiko. Fashion is not something expected to bring misery into your home. Going to work in miniskirts and tights to me is a bit far-fetched, vanosevenza basa reiko? Most companies would want their employees to be presentable in order to protect their brand and their image.

I suggest your wife goes for grooming, ikoko they are taught how to dress for different occasions and how to use make-up.

There is a lot in one’s hairstyle ndimo mune nyaya yemararamiro emunhu, character. You can read a lot from that.

I plead with our beauticians that they must always assist their clients basing their advice on professional knowledge. People should not look scary when they come out of salons.

Last but not least, your mother should not show dislike nekubvisa zvinhu pamwana, she should try and communicate with your wife. They should not confuse the child, she is innocent. Your spouse should never refer to you as a backward fool, that’s disrespectful. In marriage you don’t look down upon your better half instead you improve each other along the way. How did she marry a fool if she is not one? I wish you all the best.

***

I can’t take it anymore

Thank you for this column.

I was forced into staying with my son, his wife and their two kids after mwana wangu ambobuda basa. Now he is working again, my problem is ngavachibva pamba pangu – mukadzi wake haaite.

She is naturally lazy. We stay in Highfield ku ghetto, her dressing is terrible and her attitude rotten. I talked about this to both of them akanoudza amai vake, saka mai vacho havachandifarira. My husband is very unhappy about this too. Vanoda kudya asi vakatengawo zvinopera vachivigidzira. Please help, handichada hangu kuvaona. How can I do it?

Response

Maiwe! Kwakanaka here? Thank you for reading my column. We have covered a number of letters with similar problems. I will repeat what I have always said kana vana vakura please let them fly away. You let them in when your son lost his job, thank you very much for that gesture, once a parent always a parent.

Kugarisana kwana vamwene nevaroora nguva zhinji kunodzinga kunaka kweukama. In our culture muroora anobikiswa haagarwe naye.

In most cases people do this in order to take advantage of the other, it’s either amwene havana mushandi saka vanoda kugara nemushandi (muroora) or muroora nemwana wavo vane hudyire havadi kunobisa mari yekuroja kana kugara vega, vanhu vekanzatu vanongoti tiri kugara kumba.

This is an unhealthy arrangement; it has destroyed so many marriages and relationships. It’s always gossiping and gossiping, please refrain from this if you can. Have a serious family meeting, imi nababa iye mukomana and wife, give them an official notice for them to look for alternative accommodation within the next two or three months.

Cash talk breaks no friendship. It might sound harsh and mean now but for the sake of an everlasting relationship do it now. They should learn to stand on their own; marriage comes with responsibilities. Ko dai makafa vayiendepi? Ko dai maigara kumusha? Ko dai manga musina imba muguta?

Food for thought.

These are the people who are tarnishing the good relationships others have with their in-laws. This should be sorted out as soon as possible, onai vamukurungai vapindawo mazviri.

Hatidi kuti nyaya yenyu izotengwa nekupindirwawo navatete nemhuri yose, kamoto kamberevere kanopisa matanda mberi.

 

 

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