Husband made me attempt suicide

I got pregnant in 2010, upon realising this I fled to my boyfriend’s place and his people accepted me as one of their own but surprisingly he treated me like a stranger. I drank poison because of the way he was treating me, fortunately God saved me for reasons only known to him. The father of my baby visited me in hospital and said some hurtful words and that is when I realised kuti ndirikumanikidzira kugara nemunhu asirikundida. I went back to my parents’ place and I gave birth to my baby. After a year I moved to South Africa to seek gainful employment. In December 2014 the father of my baby told me he wanted me back. I was blinded by love, I foolishly forgave him and gave him another chance despite what he had done to me in the past. I came back to Zimbabwe and he paid lobola for me and we moved in together. Afterwards I then found out he had conveniently forgot to tell me that he sired a kid with a different woman when I was in South Africa. I had to find out the hard way when I went through his phone. He claims he would have told me down the line. I do not know if I will ever love him again. I feel like the mother of his child will always be a distraction to our relationship. When I called his baby mama he got so angry. Mai Chisamba, I feel insecure, I feel bitter inside sometimes ndinotongonyararira murume kusatoda kutaura naye. I am just confused and hurt at times ndinopedzera shungu pakurova mwana asina kana paatadza. I do not want to keep feeling this way; what should I do? I do not want to just be in this marriage for the sake of my kids. I know my husband is trying his best akatokumbira ruregerero but I am finding it hard to believe him especially when I recall the harsh things he did to me in the past. I feel very cheated. He used to communicate with this other woman and delete the chats soon after. Please assist

 

Response

I was shocked to say the least. How on earth can a mother to be attempt suicide because of ill-treatment from a boyfriend? I always say when people are expecting they must improve their reasoning. In short you also wanted to kill an innocent baby because of the treatment you got from the father of your baby? Do you not see how selfish and cruel that is? This guy used to come to the hospital when you were sick and say hurtful words; why did you allow that nonsense? You should have reported him to the hospital authorities and he would have been barred from visiting you. Even the sick have their rights. From my point of view all you wanted was kunzi wakarorwa. I see you were imposing yourself so much. Your people did not want you to go back but still you went back. It is good to give an ear to what family members say. You are too self centered and do not seem to take heed to anything others say. It is very sad that when you are angry you take it out on an innocent child. You should be ashamed of yourself. Children have either been maimed or killed nekuita hasha dzisina mugano. You need to see a counselor immediately, you could even lose your child because of ill-treatment. Your husband now has a child out of wedlock and that is a permanent thing and it is very unfortunate. You must, however, still make up your mind to either take it or leave it. If you have forgiven him then you need to chart a way forward. You cannot be so unhappy right through life. Marriage is about love that is the main ingredient so if this is lacking then there is no marriage. Please engage a professional counselor who will help you deal with your anger. You are now a mother of two think of your family before you try anything irrational like suicide or just beating up a child for no god reason. When you make a decision please be true to yourself. If you cannot forgive and move on please go back home. You only live once and you cannot spend the rest of your life hurting and sulking it is not worth it. Your husband wronged you and has asked for forgiveness, it is up to you to decide his fate. Last but not least I repeat it is very urgent that you get help, work on your anger management. Pray about this, God will give you the inner peace that you need. I wish you all the best.

 

Unlucky in love at 35

I am a 35-year-old woman and I have a master’s degree and very good job. I do not want to talk about my love life much because I have been very unlucky in love. I have a beautiful apartment and an executive car. I was in love with the same guy for 10 years but when he impregnated a certain young girl I broke up with him but I am still hurting to this day. He did not marry the girl because he says he loves me. I find this funny because if he loved me then why did he stray? The shadow of this woman and her son will haunt us right through our lives because it is not a thing we can just turn our backs on and forget. I was thinking of going to train as a nun and do away with love. This guy is insinuating that he wants to marry me, if he cannot have me then he will not get married for the rest of his life. I have been thinking hard about this proposal but I cannot come up with any answer. Please help me. I tried to engage my tete ndakotopererwa. She said I should have been married a decade ago. She ended up suggesting that we go to see a certain madzibaba for cleansing. I am very well as far as I am concerned and I do not understand where the issue of cleansing is coming from.

 

Response

Thank you so much for writing in and for doing so well academically. Keep the fire burning you can achieve more. Well done for having looked after yourself so well. At your age some end up bringing unplanned children to the world, which is very unfair. I always say it is God who plans our lives. My advice is wait for his time. You talked about going to train as a nun because you have been unfortunate in love. You can only go there if you are called of God but for any other reason you will not even last. Do not run away from life because it is impossible to do so. From your letter I can sense the disappointment you went through after dating someone for 10 years. A decade is quite a long time but you need to relax and calm down before you take the next step. You were let down by someone you loved and trusted so much, at times life is like that. It is very dangerous to make decisions when you are angry because you may end up regretting it. My sixth sense tells me that you still love the guy you dated for so long but you are still angry. Why not engage a professional counselor who will help you both. If you decide to reconcile then you should know there is an innocent child who needs to be supported. If you want to be clear on the child’s paternity then you can have DNA tests taken. I would be happy to hear from you. I wish you all the best.

 

Mother-in-law wants my child

Thank you so much for your column, we are learning a lot. I am a 24-year-old woman married to my childhood sweetheart who is 25. Two years back we were blessed with a baby boy. He has become a big source of our happiness, he makes us tick. Last month my mother-in-law came and asked if we could let her stay with our son kumusha because she feels lonely when sekuru is away nebasa. It did not make any sense at all because there are three other kids vatete who is not married. We take turns to help out kumusha with my brothers-in-law and their wives. Tete is burdening everyone because she is not married but she continues to bear children because she knows that they will be looked after. Two of her kids are of school going age and the last one is three years old. I cannot make head from tail of the situation. How can she be lonely when she has other grandchildren there? We only have one child and if he is taken away we will be genuinely lonely. Why can she not ask from her other children who have more than one kid? My problem now is my husband is making it sound as if it is me who has the final say on the matter. The truth is I do not want my child to go and stay where I am not, after all he is the only one and still too young to be taken away from his parents. Hausi muromo here wavari kuda nhai mhai? My mother-in-law is phoning every now and then but my husband is saying talk to the child’s mother. I feel betrayed and this has caused a discord in our home, we are not as happy as we always are. Please help I am confused I do not even know how to handle this.

 

Response

Thank you so much for writing in and makorokoto for being given the blessing of a loving son. I hear you and I know how you feel. Spouses should work as a tag team not the other way round. This issue is very straight forward you are making it complicated by passing the buck. Sit down with your husband and decide what you want for your child, you are the parents. From my point of view I think the baby is still young to be going and staying far away from his parents when there is no pressing need. From the look of things you both feel the same that the child should not go that is why you both do not have a clear cut answer. I suggest you tell amai the truth. She is a mother, she has been through it, she will understand. You can suggest taking him to his gogo during weekends or so if you so wish. Haisi nyaya yekutsamwidzana iyi. As for tete I think she needs help, it is unfortunate I only deal with the writer of the letter. She cannot continue having children that she cannot look after. Three is already a big number. It is high time she tried family planning. If you tell amai the truth you will feel relieved in the mean time enjoy your son and your marriage. Your husband should not hide behind you, there is no need for that because that can send wrong messages to the family. I wish you all the best.

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