The Sunday Mail
Apostle Langton Kanyati Matrimonial Hub —
One has to know how to have and sustain a happy marriage. Someone may be directionless and without a destination, but he/she can still get somewhere. But will this journey be joyous?
Normally the excitement of planning a wedding and the actual wedding day fizzle out a few weeks into the real life of marriage. But this is the time couples should be enjoying this wonderful experience.
Unfortunately though, that’s when those little things referred to as “differences” appear and need to be worked out. This is hard work, yet many underestimate this unexplored dimension of married life. Much of married life is acted out in the everyday behaviours, actions, thoughts, and interactions that you and your spouse have.
Read on to see how you can meander through this journey of marriage. Remember the positives Forgetting your history will cause disengagement in a marriage.
Think of a ship’s anchor; it serves a very important purpose. Not only is an anchor useful when there are turbulent waters in the midst of a maiden journey, but anchors usually provide a sense of assurance. Whenever needed, the ship can be secured and stabilised.
Furthermore, an anchor is controlled by the ship captain and can be deployed at any moment. It is always there. Life can take marriages through turbulent waters.I and my wife have worked with dozens of couples whose waves are capsizing the ship and there is no sign of an anchor. In marriage, I see a relationship’s courtship and the early days of a marriage as the relationship anchor.
Couples can use their relationships beginning stories to highlight several things. One is to highlight the basis for the marriage. In other words, why did the marriage become a reality?
When couples are interviewed, they were able to highlight the positive reasons that led them to marry. Marriage is justified and feelings of happiness and positive recollections flood the couple.
Additionally, these stories help highlight that although a couple may be experiencing turbulence, their relationship is more than just what is happening currently. A relationship history can offer long-forgotten reasons for why the relationship is worth fighting for.
Further, every relationship has tough times. Many times, relationship beginnings have stories of successes and triumphs that have become buried in piles of countless arguments, petty differences and negative feelings.
Focusing on the positive will strengthen your relationship: In this marital journey, like any journey, no one will be excited to travel with individuals who are always attacking them verbally or by their actions. The journey will not be an interesting one especially to the one who is always reminded of his or her weaknesses.
Happy couples have relationships characterised by respect, affection and empathy, and they pay close attention to what is happening in each other’s lives.
It is revealed that happy and stable couples make five positive remarks for every one negative remark when they were discussing conflict. In contrast, couples headed for divorce offered less than one positive remark for every single negative remark. Do not be blinded to the good in their marriage.
In some ways, being positive in your marriage is like giving it a super-strength pill. One of the benefits is that choosing to look on the bright side is not ignoring problems.
In fact, being positive and upbeat helps make your marriage bond stronger, increases marital satisfaction, expands your thinking, and allows for working better together toward solutions to those problems.
Examples of being positive include expressing gratitude towards your partner, celebrating accomplishments, being enthusiastic and doing fun activities together. Need a little more positivity in your marriage? Take an evening walk and tell your spouse a joke on the way.
The next morning, leave him/her a note on their pillow letting them know one special thing you really appreciate about them.
Break negative influences
You may come from a broken family, but remember that no family is perfect. And although some families may present with healthier characteristics than others, it is ultimately up to you and your spouse to change for the better.
Remember that every couple has the opportunity to influence the future of their children and families. It was established that individuals and families tend to pass along traits, beliefs, and behaviors from generation to generation.
Known as the “multi-generational transmission process”, it is actually alterable, yet many of us fall into its trap. The way we behave, think and act in marriage is also a reflection of the families we came from and our marriages suffer for it.
Be transitional persons by breaking the chain of negative family influences. You can do this by interrupting and ultimately block negative patterns from future generations. Some of the ways in which transitional persons do this include, but are not limited to, an increased awareness of negative and unhealthy circumstances, a strong desire to change, persistent focus on making the changes happen, and getting help from others to make these changes happen.
Are you and your spouse transitional persons? What are you inserting into your marriage that came from your family of origin? Think about it: which behaviors and patterns are you passing on? Which behaviors and patterns are you eliminating?
Marriage and friendship
Friendship is a wonderful word. Although friendship can be defined in many ways, there are two basic requirements for friendship: trust and admiration.
There are very common phrases that float around in society about friendship, such as “a friend is always there, even when we’re not,” or, as one philosopher put it, “friendship is a single soul dwelling in two bodies”.
Studies have shown that friendship was one of the top responses couples gave when asked why their marriages have lasted long. One of the enemies of friendship in marriage is chaos and lack of scheduled time to act friendly towards each other.
Set time apart to work on building that friendship with your spouse. Once children come in and careers take off, competition for your attention and time will be fierce. Schedule it in your calendars and hold each other accountable for building the blocks to a great marriage friendship.
Hopefully, these marital insights will give you some ideas on how to have a long, loving and lasting marriage. So take it one step at a time, and invest, invest, and invest some more in this journey called marriage to increase the odds that it will thrive and last. Enjoy your marriage.
Apostle Langton Charle Kanyati is the president and founder of Zoe Life Changing Ministries and Grace Unlimited Interdenominational. Feedback: [email protected] and WhatsApp +263772987844
