Growing tired of ignorant wife

Dr Rebecca Chisamba
Greetings Mai Chisamba. I have what I think is a big problem, which is eating me up.

I am a 32-year-old married man, I have been married for six years. We were gifted with a baby boy who currently attends ECD classes. My problem is when I was courting my wife she lied to me that she had three O-Levels. With this in mind I believed one day I would help her with her education as I had recently completed my college education. I did not think of verifying this as I trusted her so much as a Christian.

After we got married that is when I discovered she did not have even a single subject, and she is not interested in reading. After the diploma, I went for my first degree and I completed my masters two years ago. I have now started on my PhD, so the gap is continuing to widen. I try to force her to do school, asi haadi kuzvinzwa. Whenever I mention it, we end up exchanging words, though I will be trying to explain to her about our status.

Discussions are weak in our home that I end up not speaking at all. The company I work for gave me a very good post and whenever we meet with other people of my status and their wives I do not feel comfortable as she cannot express herself in English. I have a good post at church and people always give her responsibilities and I always cringe because I know she cannot deliver. That makes me very uncomfortable. I do not know what to do, I have never cheated on her because I know it is morally wrong. I love my family, but I cannot continue suffering through this. I am readying for a divorce so that I start my life afresh. What can I do?

Response
Thank you for writing in, it seems many people do not really know why couples should go through a courting period before they tie the knot. This is a vetting period and its very critical if you truly want to get to know someone. That is why there is no stipulated duration about how long a courting period should be. Some do this for short periods and some for longer.

People should remain in this until both parties are convinced that they know their would-be spouse well enough to start the marriage journey together. I know you cannot be hundred percent sure asi hauzonyanyo rasika. A person who lies does not lie about just one thing, yes, she lied about her academic record but if you look back you will realise she lied about something else. It is like an illness that should be dealt with thoroughly otherwise it recurs every now and then.

When people date, they are preparing for their future life together and you cannot lie about your academic record because this can easily be proven to be incorrect.

The fact that she could not express herself in English should have raised an alarm back then. I would like to pose a question to you though is the inability of a person to express themselves in a particular language enough to topple a genuinely solid relationship? The way a person carries herself, the way she speaks and dresses always says volumes about them.

Saka iwe waiti anozogona chirungu wamuroora here? Your wife has a bad attitude, which should be stopped forthwith. Education is crucial to enrich one’s life and it is something nobody can take away from you. She is too blind to see that this is the chance for her to improve herself. Now the gap between your lifestyles and levels of education is widening. It is sad that you are now contemplating divorce. This problem can be easily solved. You have to reason like parents.

Your wife should stop this habit of lying because it can be very addictive and it will not get her anywhere. Engage the services of a professional counsellor since the two of you cannot come up with a fruitful conversation.

The counsellor will help her see the benefits of education and also work on your marriage and parenthood. You are supposed to be still in your honeymoon phase, six years is a very short time. As Christians pray for your marriage and families, there is immense power in prayer.

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Eager to reconcile with ex-flame

Mai Chisamba, I am confused, I do not even know what to do.

I am 32-year-old woman married to a 35-year-old husband and we have two children — a son and a daughter. I will be very open because I need help. Although I married my current husband I was in a relationship with a very romantic man prior to this. This guy was born a romantic. He would spoil me left, right and centre; he would hold my hand whenever he could.

He rarely called me by name he would always call me sugar candy. He remembered my birthday, Valentine’s Day, Christmas, you name it. I would get gifts and be taken out.

He had time for me, he would even sing for me on the phone. We dated for six years and we had more highs than lows. Our love Mai Chisamba was like that of Romeo and Juliet. He made me a woman among women but his problem was he never proposed, although we used to talk about our future together.

When I turned 27 kumba kwakamuka hondo, my parents, my tetes nedzimwewo hama put me under immense pressure to get married. My tete would say mainini your boyfriend is wasting your time. I spoke to him about this and he said “don’t worry things will work themselves out, I will take your hand in marriage one day”. In no time my tete played matchmaker and introduced me to a guy ainzi ari kuda kuroora chop chop. I fell for that unfortunately because of the pressure and that is my current hubby.

I do not want to badmouth him but he is a rich, educated bharanzi. If I do not remind him he forgets our birthdays, even our kids’. He is not exciting, he enjoys reading more than my company. Now I have seen that love is more powerful than riches. I have everything except for love. He says he loves me but ndipo pazvinoperera. My ex-flame sent me a message saying “sugar candy I still love you and am ready to take you back”.

He knows I am married and I now have two kids. I am about to break up with my hubby, there’s only one life to live and I need to be happy. I never loved this guy from the very word go, ndaingoda kuroorwa. I do not want to cheat on him and I feel I do not belong here. Please do not tell me to stick to my husband, I want to go where I am loved. I can hear his voice and feel his touch even in his absence. Please help me.

Response
Thank you for writing in. Let me start by addressing families and friends that there is no need whatsoever for putting anyone under pressure to get married. It is high time we learnt that God’s time is the best because in the end we cause more harm than good. You wrote to me for advice so please let me dish it out as I see fit, do not tell me what to say to you.

Today I picked two different letters that have one thing in common kusanzwisisa meaning of courtship. Why on earth would you ever marry anyone you never loved from the “word go”? Why would you rush to have a family under these circumstances? Oh God forbid, this defies all logic. I presume you dated your husband for a very short time.

How did you feel and why did you lead him on? Love is serious business because it affects our emotions and destiny. Your husband is settled and happy to be with you and may not even be aware of what is going on, how sad.

People should take courtship seriously. Marriage does not necessarily change what went on during dating. Nyaya yekunzi zvichapera maroorana haivake musha. Integrity means one has to be true to thy self. You are saying your marriage lacks love now, how come? That should be the rock it is built on.

Things like poverty, riches, illness, etc may come and go but love must be a permanent feature. In my view you are a very selfish person because you are not thinking of your two kids, even your husband. Hauna kunyangirwa wakapinda muwanano iyi masikati machena shiri dzichivaka.

You should have told your people that you would wait for the love of your life no matter what. I respect you though for not cheating on your husband, keep it up. Let us try and save this marriage if we can. I suggest you help each other along the way. You can start by holding his hand, remembering the dates and occasions that matter.

You can change the complexion of your love. Tell him not to dig his head in a book during quality time. Let him know what you prefer to be called, of course, not sugar candy. Enjoy your kids, count your blessings and see what the Lord has done, embrace your husband.

Remember a bird in the hand is worth two in the bush. It is mean to call your hubby bharanzi. Ko kana iye ari bharanzi saka iwe ndiwe mai bharanzi ka? Makakurumidza kumedza imi muchada kutsenga. For now let us work with what we have. I hope there will be a change for the better. Pray for this situation God will give you direction.

THANK you for this platform. I was 13 years old when something terrible happened to my family.

I really do not know what happened between our parents but out of the blue my dad called for a meeting kumusha to announce that he had disowned the four of us and our mum. We were shocked and we could not make head from tail about this incident.

My dad had a very good job, we were all at private schools and were comfortable. We knew our mother could not afford our school fees but she vowed to look after us. As fate would have it, we were transferred from the elite schools to a farm school. She had no kind words for our father, everything that came out of her mouth about him was negative.

My mother worked so hard and was promoted and ended up sending two of us to a boarding school and my other sibling to university and the rest of us one at a time. When we were growing up we wondered what type of a man our father was. He never came back to see us or just to check on us, so we were brought up by a very bitter parent. Now we are grown up we miss our father so much we cannot even find complete happiness without him.

We tried to talk to mum about having him back vakatsamwa kunge vachafa. It is now impossible for them to reconcile, but should we not at least be allowed to communicate with him? He may have wronged her but we think she should forgive him.

She will not even tell us where our father is, please help if you can. How do we go about this? We desperately need to be united with our father. Our mother is not happy about this because she brought up the family single handedly. It is like we are betraying her but all we want is to be in touch with our dad.

Response

Thank you so much for your letter. If you are a follower of this column you may remember what I always say about giving me enough information to work with. I understand what you are going through and how you feel. Even if I do not know the cause of your parents’ divorce I think your father acted irresponsibly. How can he disown his children. The only reason I can think of is maybe if it is proven beyond doubt that he left you as kids because you are not biologically his own children. This can only be proven after DNA tests and since I am grasping at straws here, it might be a very wrong guess.

In your letter you did not even mention contact with any one of your dad’s relatives, which means they also cut their relationship with you guys. Even after divorce a responsible parent continues to pay fees and support his children.

You were innocent, why did he punish you? There are more questions than answers here. Chii chakanyatsoitika zvekuti kana hama kana shamwari hapana yakatevedza kwakasara vana? It is not making sense, your mother must surely know something. When your parents broke up you were a teenager, I do not know about the exact ages of the other three. Why is amai bitter after so long? I do, however, salute amai for having put you through school and for taking care of the family.

After what she went through she feels as if she is going to be let down by her children too.

She does not want to experience a second loss. It is like she strongly senses that you are going to betray her trust. It is your right to be united with him if indeed he is your biological father. The first thing to do is to get your mum to talk because she is the only one who knows what really happened. Engage a professional counsellor who will work with you as a family and the rest will fall into place. One step at a time and please do not rub salt on old wounds.  Pray about this too, it shall be well.

 

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