The Sunday Mail
Apostle Langton Kanyati
EVERY couple who want to do the right thing in marriage must understand that God as the designer of marriage must be at the centre.
As Psalms 127:1 tells us: “Unless the Lord builds the house, they labour in vain who build it.” But how does that look in daily life? Here are the essentials for making your marriage thrive
Be thankful for your spouse: Your spouse is a gift from God just as surely as Eve was a gift to Adam (Genesis 2:20-24) — created to help meet your needs as a partner in life. But the demands of life, family, and work can cloud your attitude.
Thanking God often for your spouse is a practical way to focus on what is good and admirable about him or her. It is helpful to occasionally reflect on the early days and recall what attracted you, on what made you pledge your life and love to each other, and to be thankful. While you are thankful for your spouse also always remember to respect each other.
Research shows that nothing can damage a relationship quicker than criticisms and put-downs. Treating your partner as you would like to be treated will do a lot to strengthen the bond between you. When you are tempted to complain to someone about one of your partner’s flaws, ask yourself how you would feel if he or she did that to you.
Put your spouse’s needs before your own: As Philippians 2:3-4 says: “Let nothing be done through selfish ambition or conceit, but in lowliness of mind let each esteem others better than himself. Let each of you look out not only for his own interests, but also for the interests of others.”
Think of how your marriage would change if you and your spouse both applied this passage! During sex think of satisfying your spouse, on financial issues plan together because when tomorrow you begin to encounter financial problems they will affect the whole family.
The same with decisions made for the family, let your spouse be involved so that when things do not go the way they were intended you know you don’t blame each other.
Practice communicating from the heart: It is vital to communicate authentically in both the good and the difficult times of marriage.
As you grow together, you will learn more about the how and when of communicating well with your spouse, so pay attention to what works and what doesn’t. The ability to talk and listen to each other is one key to a healthy marriage.
You should never assume your partner knows what you are thinking or feeling. There are many resources available like books, marriage education workshops, etcetera as options you learn from on how to communicate more effectively.
True communication involves transparency. Transparent conversation, where each of you risks revealing your deepest thoughts, ideas, fears, hopes and dreams creates the strong foundation of a lasting marriage.
The Scriptures emphasise being open and vulnerable in communication.
Paul modelled transparency when he wrote to the Corinthians, many of whom were not exactly his admirers when he said: “For out of much affliction and anguish of heart I wrote you with many tears; not that you should be made sorrowful, but that you might know the love which I have especially for you.” (2 Corinthians 2:4)
Paul was not afraid to weep or say, “I love you.” Jesus wept over the death of Lazarus (John 11:35) and lamented His rejection by hard-hearted Jerusalem (Luke 13:34).
Be intimate: From relational intimacy springs sexual intimacy. The safety of being known and still being accepted — in spite of our flaws — finds its expression in marriage through sex. It is a gift to married couples from God; it is where we express complete, unashamed oneness, (Genesis 2:24-25).
Marital intimacy can open your relationship to a whole new level of enjoyment and closeness. It is important, however, to remember that intimacy does not always mean sexuality.
An often forgotten aspect of intiAmacy is the emotional type. An example of emotional intimacy is creating a safe space for your partner to share his or her emotions without fear of you being judgemental or making light of them.
Learn the difference between emotional and physical intimacy and when each one is most appropriate. Offering your partner one type when they really need the other can create problems in your relationship.
Always remember that great romance doesn’t just happen, it’s planned. Place importance on looking for new ways to say “I love you”.
Relational and sexual intimacy keeps a marriage from deteriorating into little more than a legally arranged partnership.
Practice the power of forgiveness: Because we are broken, imperfect human beings, we will fail our spouse repeatedly. We will focus on flaws, cease to communicate, and offend each other without trying. All of this demands a steady supply of forgiveness.
The Bible tells us to “be kind to one another, tender-hearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you”. (Ephesians 4:32)
There is great power in forgiveness — it says, “The fight is over and I will not try to punish you.” Failing marriages can be revived by forgiveness; healthy marriages are sustained by it.
Be teachable: Marriages are always a work in progress. Each spouse is changing and developing, which means there are new things to learn at every stage. Sometimes marriages run into problems that need the help of a third party.
If this happens in your marriage, find someone who will work in support of your marriage, not just agree with your grievances. Make sure this person is committed to both Christ and the two of you.
Duration and legal status: The optimal environment for raising children is a family with two parents in a stable, healthy marriage.
Believing in the permanence of the relationship actually helps to sustain a healthy marriage; those who don’t believe that marriage should be permanent have a harder time sustaining a healthy marriage.
Marriage represents an important legal status. Marriage is not only a commitment to another person but also a public commitment to society to behave in certain constructive ways.
And in turn, society supports the relationship and the children in that union.
It’s important to remember that couples have healthy marriages to varying degrees; it’s not an either/or situation. And marriages have ups and downs. But these characteristics are a good definition of a healthy marriage. Enjoy your marriage.
Apostle Kanyati is the co-founder of Grace Unlimited and Zoe Life Changing Ministries. Feedback: [email protected] and WhatsApp +263772987844
