The Sunday Mail
Hubby calls me by ex’s name
THANK you so much for your column. I am a married woman aged 31, blessed with a set of twins, a boy and a girl.
We are an average family in terms of resources, but we are comfortable. The problem is my husband is weird; I have never had anything like this. We dated for two years after he had broken up with Rufaro.
We had a beautiful wedding. During our courtship he would unknowingly call me by the name of his ex-girlfriend but I would gently remind him kuti handisini Rufaro. Back then he promised to make this right.
Mai Chisamba, believe it or not up to this day here and there he still calls me by that name. This woman is now married and has her own family but anongomurotomoka. What’s worse is at times during intimacy anonditi Rufaro, this really puts me off.
Why is this name still stuck in his head? Is he still seeing this woman? Does he still love her? Akaroiwa here? Should I talk to her about this kana pane zvaakaita agadzirise? It’s been a long time since they broke up. I can’t take it anymore and it’s breaking my heart. I have a name just like everyone else, ndinoenda kumba kwedu ini. Please help.
Response
Thank you so much for reading my column. At times I just wonder where we are heading to as a people. Comparatively speaking most of our young people are overwhelmed with marital problems considering that this union is supposed to be a lifelong companionship. It makes our reading very sad.
Despite what is bothering you I’m happy to hear that you are comfortable, that’s a plus. You sound like a very level-headed young woman. I am glad you wrote me before talking to Rufaro. Why do you want to talk to her?
What has she done wrong? Please keep your pride. Nyaya dzekuti munhu anogadzirwa idzi where are our young mothers getting this nonsense from?
Only God has the power to do that – the rest are just stories. Rufaro is married, which means she has moved on, it’s your husband you should deal with. Respect this woman’s marriage and space.
I don’t think kuti murume wako akaroiwa, maybe it’s because I personally don’t believe in that. Mind you in Zimbabwe imhosva kupumha munhu nenyaya idzodzi. That’s why I advise you not to approach your husband’s ex.
It’s unfortunate this woman’s name is stuck in your husband’s head and I feel for you, it hurts. It also sends wrong signals to you; see now you suspect that they might be seeing each other behind your back.
Baba vava kutaura zita iri kunyange panguva yerudo rwenyu, during intimacy this is just terrible. I can’t put a finger on why this name is stuck in your husband’s head but it’s a common thing among some people.
For me the names of my three young brothers are stuck in my head, I mix my daughter’s and son’s names with my young siblings. I just can’t get it out; it’s so common out there but yekuzodaidzwa zita ra ex hazviite, zvinorwadza.
I suggest you both see a marriage counsellor for a way forward but in the meantime your husband should resort to using neutral salutations like honey, sweetheart, babe, chipondamoyo etc.
Going back home does not solve anything. You have invested in your union, you love each other; don’t let these petty issues destroy your marriage.
Life is very short; this is the time to enjoy each other Mai Two, zvinogadzirika ufunge. Last, but not least, baba ngavaedze kusataura taura panguva yebonde vanozomwauka nhando.
I wish you all the best.
Why dress
down my sister?
Thank you so much for your column, I enjoy it so much. Mine, Mai Chisamba, is a proper muedzo. I’m married and a mother of four boys.
I have worked all my life and co-operated with my husband in all our financial dealings. Three months ago kubasa kwakaitwa chigumura, so some of us are now working short hours like two weeks on and two weeks off.
In short I no longer bring as much as I used to. I noticed that my husband had changed but quickly dismissed it as something that was in my head. All of a sudden vakuita musoro kwazvo nemari and yet over the years it was vice versa.
My sister came over from our rural home for the long weekend and I packed a few groceries for her to take to my mother ne US$50. My sister left when I had gone to see a friend but I was shocked when she called to say babamukuru said make a choice to either take the groceries or the money, zvinhu zvakaoma kwese.
She opted to take the money and put the groceries back into the pantry. She tells me not to ask my husband otherwise she will be blamed should we fight over this. My mother wanted to send back the US$50 but I refused. Amai is a woman of few words and very soft-spoken. She only said “Hatina kumboziva kuti ndiwo magariro enyu ndapota tambirai mari yenyu.”
Mai Chisamba what upsets me most is my husband never mentioned this to me, he is pretending as if all is well. The truth is I’m not settled, how do I handle this? Taking back what I had given to my mother, that’s just unfair, disrespectful and mean. Amai vake ndinogara ndichivapa zvinhu, pane asina kuzvarwa here? If that’s what he wants us to treat each other’s parents like, then its game on!
Response
Thank you so much for reading my column. In Shona we say imba yatsvuka chin’ai kana mave nemhuri yakadai. Four kids, I can conclude that you are a mature couple and you are expected to treat each other with respect. Your husband was thinking aloud and overreacted. Yes things are tough but that’s not the way to go, people talk and come up with what’s best for both parties. Your sister must have felt very embarrassed because babamukuru treated her as a thief.
He should have talked to you instead of dressing down amainini. In all fairness he owes her an apology. Now that you are not bringing as much as you used to, your husband could be frustrated inwardly, the mind plays games on people.
My advice is people should be open with one another so as to avoid having skeletons in one’s cupboard. Mukararama upenyu hwekuti musavhunza, musazotaura munoda kuti zvozodini?
How do you make that right? In this case you don’t need to go in circles, confront your husband and ask why the groceries you had given your sister to take home are back in the pantry.
He should know about that because he is the one who was present when she left. In stable marriages you address and tackle issues as they come. At this juncture we are only talking about the groceries. I hear now you are talking about your mother-in-law, what has she done and how is she involved in this? I know you are upset but keep within parameters, don’t drag innocent people into this. What you should know is that when the going is tough that’s when you need each other more. We don’t pay for sin in the same coin, your husband did wrong and you should not do likewise, don’t fight through other people; it’s not good for the family at large.
Tauriranai monzwanana and give back what you had given to amai otherwise this will not go down well with her and please persuade her not to return the US$50 yamakavapa. As I said before you are a mature couple you can talk this over and start on a new slate. Musabisirane shungu kana maomerwa, it’s a phase it will come to pass. Do the best for both your mothers, you are fortunate to have them at your ages. All the best.
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I feel betrayed
I follow your column every week and find it very educative. My problem is long but will try to cut it short. I was raped at the age of five and never told anyone till this year.
I’m now married and got two lovely kids. The problem is all this time I have been quiet I resorted to anger and violence. Any little thing would upset me. I took it on my hubby and he started cheating and flirting with other women.
Each time I found out I went wild with violence. So this year, after 22 years of being quiet I told him what had happened to me. He felt for me but now it seems like he uses it against me. He has continued having women in our marriage and each time I ask he now calls me names. To be honest Mai Chisamba, ever since I told him, I felt a weight lifted off my shoulders and stopped being violent. I now regret telling him and feel so betrayed. I just don’t know what to do anymore. I blame myself for being violent. I deeply love my hubby and kids and want to spend my life with them.
This name-calling, cheating and flirting is tearing me apart. He is the only person I trusted to tell something I had carried for more than two decades but his actions akundidzimba. I had never known happiness all my life till the day I told him but now feels like I made a mistake. How do I correct all this and show my husband how much I love him and that I’m no longer violent.
Response
Thank you for writing in and thank you for reading my column. I felt very sorry for you when I read your letter. It’s very unfortunate that you never opened up and you carried this burden alone for so long. The best you have done is to open up, although, your husband has betrayed your trust.
It’s a big and unexpected secret, maybe that’s why your husband is behaving so, he doesn’t know what to do either. You both need to go for therapy. I suggest you do this with a professional marriage counsellor who will go through this with you step by step. Your husband should stop rubbing salt on old wounds, instead he should be the pillar of your strength.
Cheating on you does not solve anything, instead it makes both of you vulnerable to diseases like HIV and Aids, among many others. It’s refreshing to hear that you love your husband and kids, yes this is what it should be, I am sure he loves you too but he is just confused. You should learn to talk things over, there is no need to be violent but that’s no excuse for your husband to abuse you. You should not regret telling your husband, that was the best thing to do.
As you know nyaya haiore, with the help of your spouse and counsellor report this perpetrator if you know him, I hope he is still alive he must be brought to book.
To our readers, if there are any people out there who would have been abused sexually or otherwise and have not opened up please talk to someone you trust and get these people arrested, don’t suffer alone.
Lastly, let me say makorokoto for your bravery. It is my hope that your spouse will bear with you all the way. I would be happy to have feedback from you.
Names have been changed to protect the identity of the writers. Write to [email protected] or WhatsApp 0771415747.
