The Sunday Mail
Mudzimba
Dr Chisamba
I AM a 40-year-old man and have been married for 20 years. I am a father of two teenage girls. My wife and I are both gainfully employed and we come from the same rural area.
Of late, my wife showed great interest in going to our rural home. At times, we would go as a family and at other times, she would go alone.
This was nothing out of the ordinary since all our parents and relatives live there. Above all, she would bring fresh garden produce each time she went home.
Last week, I went home alone because I had taken a day off. I planned to go and pick up my mother, who had an appointment with her doctor in the city. I passed through the shopping centre to buy a few drinks.
I bumped into the headman, who looked very pleased to see me and asked about my wife. I explained why I was in such a rush. He shook my hand and said congratulations for the purchase of a beautiful fertile plot.
He went on to say we did well to pay in full because these days, many people are after such pieces of land. My heart missed a beat, because I did not understand what he was talking about. To cut a long story short, my wife bought the plot without my knowledge. I got to see the receipt.
This happened four months ago but up to now, she has not said a word about the transaction and she is acting normal. I am furious but I have not yet said anything. How do I approach this?
Response
I am very well and thanks for asking. I really do not know where spouses of today are losing it. Transparency is a pivotal pillar in any marriage. If an individual feels like doing their own things independently, they should never commit themselves to marriage. I have no idea why she has kept it a secret for so long.
I know people at times act in silence but that only applies to keeping outsiders out of your business. The idea of buying property is noble but the secrecy surrounding it is worrisome. I advise you to calm down first.
In my view, this issue is best discussed at your rural home, where both your families stay. Give her time to explain what is going on. Maybe she has a reason for being quiet about this. If need be, you can all go and see the headman, as well as the plot.
Be constructive about how you can both make the project a success and explicitly state that any further lack of honesty will lead to even bigger problems in your marriage. I would be happy to hear from you again.
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Brother-in-law is coming on to me
I am a female university student aged 24. I come from a family of four; I have one sister and two brothers. The eldest sibling is my beloved sister, followed by my brothers. I am the last-born and the only one who is single. Everyone, including my parents, think I am a baby and I am really spoiled. My sister and her family stay in the same town and they give me provisions when I go to their house.
Lately, my brother-in-law (my sister’s husband) has been coming alone with money and provisions but telling me that it is our secret. I have kept it this way for the past few months but I have noticed that he is trying to get close to me. He often tries kissing me on the cheek and patting me on the back. He does not do this when he comes with my sister.
Last week, he sent a text message, inviting me to go with him to Kariba overnight. He is going there for a workshop but insists it will be our little secret. I asked about accommodation and he said we would be booked into two different rooms. All he wants is for me to see Kariba since I have never been there. I feel guilty but I have not done anything bad. Amai, please advise. I am confused.
Response
As an academic, I expect you to always read between the lines. You do not need to be a rocket scientist to see what your brother-in-law is up to.
There are many red flags here. Your gut feeling is never wrong, hence the guilty feeling. Report him to your parents and big sister immediately. If he is genuine, why does he want this kept as a secret?
Mind you, he is related to you because of your dear sister. Blood will always be thicker than water. How would your sister feel if she got wind of this? Remember, it is a very small world. Do not entertain the idea of him paying you secret visits, where he comes with money and provisions. You are playing a very dangerous game. He may rape you. Never allow him to kiss your cheek, pat you on the back or travel with him. The Kariba trip sounds mischievous. Please, keep me posted.
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My friend is now getting on my nerves
Dear Amai, thank you for your Sunday Mail column. I am a young guy in high school and I am in the same class as my childhood friend. We get on well but my friend is now getting on my nerves. He has a habit of begging, even for things that he does not need.
He is also in the habit of borrowing money at school from people. Resultantly, he has been nicknamed “Kumbirai”. He, however, does not know the nickname. As his friend, I know the money is for airtime and data.
He paints his stepmother black to everyone, yet this woman brought him up after his mother was divorced by his father many years ago. People help him out of pity because he plays the victim. I used to believe him until I did my research and saw that most of what he says is not true. I no longer want to be associated with such a character. How do I shake him off?
Response
Dear writer, thank you for following my column. Thank you for being a good friend and noticing his weaknesses. I agree that it is not fair for him to badmouth his stepmother considering she has done a lot for him.
She is not an angel but the best way to resolve any domestic issues is for him to have those kinds of conversations at home. I think your friend has some form of greed that he cannot satisfy. This is the character he is showing. It is grossly unfair to beg or borrow from other schoolmates because they are not employed.
His nickname says a lot and it has a mean undertone. Do not abandon him; he needs your help and you are the one in the best position to assist him. Why don’t you speak to one of the senior teachers in confidence and let them try to assist through counselling? Once more, thank you for your concern. Please, keep me posted.
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