The Sunday Mail
Dr Rebecca Chisamba-Mudzimba
Half-brother not taking care of me
HELLO amai, I hope I find you well. I am a 21-year-old man and I have an older half-brother.
We have the same father, but we have different mothers. He is a miner and currently conducting his operations on my father’s farm.
He is making a lot of money and drives lavish cars. I am thankful that he looks after my parents, but he has not done anything for me. I did not even manage to finish Ordinary Level and I am not gainfully employed. Please help, how best can I make him see that I want to be successful too? I am fed up and I do not want to live like this anymore.
Response
Hello dear writer, I am very well, and thanks for writing in. The fact that you refer to him as your half-brother makes me sense some tension.
Blood is thicker than water. If you saw eye-to-eye, I doubt the half-sibling term would have been flung around at all. I am glad you have decided to address it. Jealousy made Cain kill Abel. I want you to understand that before you talk to your brother, you have no valid claim to your father’s land.
Naturally, as he is still alive, he has the right to do with it as he pleases, and it seems like he wants your brother to conduct business on his behalf.
You say you did not finish Ordinary Level. Was this because of financial hardships or because of your own choice?
In life, we cannot lay claim to what we have not worked for or earned. Sit down with your father and brother and tell them that you want to earn your keep. Ask them to give you a job at the mine. If there are no outstanding issues and tensions, I am sure they will be glad that you asked for a job and not a handout.
Tell them how marginalised you feel. If after all this they still do not accommodate you, then you will go it alone and make plans of your own. Do not let anyone write your story for you. Plan and work hard to ensure your own success.
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How can I pick up the pieces?
I am a 50-year-old man and my wife died three years ago. It was hard for me and my three children, but we managed. I did not remarry right away because I wanted to connect with my kids. Now that the dust has settled, I am wondering if it is too soon to try and pick up the pieces.
I do not even know which circles to go to look for a new wife. I want someone who is loving and down-to-earth. Please amai, help me. Is it possible to do so using this platform?
Response
I would like to offer my condolences. Time heals all wounds. I am glad you are beginning to find the courage to move on. Inasmuch as you are healing, it is important to make sure the kids are healing too. It is hard losing a parent. As far as the timeframe is concerned, I cannot tell you whether it is too soon or too late.
Culturally, the recommended mourning period is about a year. I will not recommend this column to look for love because we will be digressing from the primary purpose of this platform. Go into the world and try to encounter women with all these characters you are seeking. But be on your guard. The dating game has changed. You were married for quite a long time.
Try and interact with people in your same age group and people you share the same values with. In such interactions, you most likely will find what you are looking for.
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Why won’t he marry me?
I am a 19-year-old girl and I am dating a 21-year-old guy. I am disappointed in him because he promised to marry me, but he has not lived up to his promise. It has been three years now.
He had introduced me to some of his family members. I recently found out he was cheating on me and he had lied to the girl that he was single. I was so disappointed. I have tried pressuring him, but it is not working. When I bring it up, he says I am pushing him away.
He says he wants to meet up but I am reluctant. Must I forgive and forget or move on?
Response
I am shocked at the pace you are moving. For a 19-year-old girl, you have had your eyes set on this since you were 16. Great haste makes great waste. You are rushing things and this boy is simply scared to tell you that he is not ready.
His actions amplify this assertion. What other goals do you have or do you share together with this guy? Why not pursue school and a career in the meantime. If you both stay committed to each other, it will blossom into marriage.
The cheating aspect is cause for concern. It remains up to you to either forgive him or not at the risk of history repeating itself. Do you have strong role models and advisors such as tete, elder siblings or church counsellors in your life?
They will shed light on how you can secure your future at a relaxed pace and allow for things to develop naturally. You need to take it one step at a time and understand that there is a season for everything in life.
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