The Sunday Mail
Tendai Mbirimi – Bridal Writer
Many people can testify how little skeletons ruin marital bliss.
Most couples, brides in particular, find themselves in a dilemma on whether they should disclose their past life to their spouses or not. It is believed that trust and honesty are essential for a successful marriage. If you are not honest to your spouse, you will find it hard to trust him or her. You process the idea that if you can lie to him, why can’t he?
If you have been caught cheating even just once, it is extremely difficult for your spouse to trust you again completely no matter how much you try. Trust and honesty are strongly correlated.
But talking about honesty, how much information do couples have to share with their spouses in order to be honest and to have a happy marriage?
Most people have had past relationships and experiences that may have a bearing in their future marital life. Some brides may have had several boyfriends and sexual experiences before marriage.
The dilemma is:
Are they compelled to reveal this to their husband?
If they do, would they and their husband feel comfortable after the revelation?
If they don’t, what if the husband discovered it from other circles, what would happen?
Everyone is entitled to some privacy. One has the right to keep some secrets all to themselves. You made mistakes in the past, you learned, you moved on. You have the right to be discreet with your past sexual explorations, that is, if it can protect your relationship or marriage.
However, in some cases, especially early in a relationship, it is helpful to know and consider the orientation and preferences of your partner before things become more serious.
Does he prefer a virgin over someone with experience?
Is virginity important in his culture/religion?
Deceit is dangerous. Deceit is when one pretends to be someone they are not. Perhaps they lead their spouses to believe that they are a complete innocent damsel but then one day he/she discovers that they are not.
Another area of concern involves family secrets. How much of your family’s dirty linen would you share to your spouse? After the wedding, you learn more about your spouse. You also learn more about each other’s family. Some facts about your family are given and cannot be kept secret, for instance, your parents are divorced or that they have serious problems with money management. Some things will simply unfold to your spouse over time no matter how one tries to hide them.
But what about some dark secrets about your family which telling your spouse would cost his respect for them? Would you tell him that your mom once had an affair which your dad never found out? Would you tell him that your dad once tried to sexually abuse you?
How about if you find out that your husband keeps some family facts and affairs from you maybe because his mom advised him to or because he wants to protect his family’s image, would you take it against him? Would you see it as lack of trust?
In signing off, I leave you with this age old saying: “Him who had his head hit by a mango fruit while sleeping under a mango tree comprehends better why a mango fruit must not be as big as a pumpkin.”
Feedback: [email protected]
