The Sunday Mail
Amai, I hope I find you well. I am a 36-year-old married man with two kids. My wife is a full-time homemaker and a caring mother of our children. I am the sole breadwinner.
Our eldest child fell seriously ill and there was a big shortfall as my medical aid society could not cover the entire cost.
The only person I thought of in my time of need was my dear childhood friend.
When I went to him, he was really touched by my plight, but the only amount he had was earmarked for his son’s fees.
We both chose to save the life of my child and he sacrificed the fees savings. I made a promise out of desperation, without thinking twice, that I would pay back within two weeks.
My child recovered, and praise be to God! I appreciate my friend’s sacrifice. Amai, it is true that, at times, it does not rain, but pours.
I was unable to fulfil my promise. Up to now, I have not paid him. My friend had to sell one of his prized possessions to pay fees for his child. I have made many promises to pay him, but failed to deliver. He no longer talks to me. He has also stopped picking up my calls. I cannot afford to lose him as a friend. How can I make things right?
Response
Dear writer, thank you for your communication. I am happy the child is now okay and all this was made possible because of a good friend. I understand your friend’s frustration. He took your word; he had no reason to doubt you.
You were dealing with an emergency and he did what was best at that moment. In circumstances like that, you must never make empty promises. After you failed to meet your promise, you continued to give him false hope.
You are to blame. You caused an unnecessary loss of a possession and fell out of his favour. Did it cross your mind to borrow or sell your own possessions to repay this debt? After all, a child’s school fees are almost as important an emergency as the one that befell you. Unless you show up with the money, this rift will continue to grow.
*****************
Hubby stole my loot
Dear Amai, thank you so much for your column in The Sunday Mail Society, which I follow religiously. I am a married woman and a mother of three teenage children. I am gainfully employed and so is my husband. When it comes to helping our parents, I feel mine are given a raw deal. This hurts me badly because we have a combined budget.
I devised a plan so that I could help my parents privately. I joined mukando at work after being advised by fellow workmates to do so. This has been working well so far. I am telling you the whole truth so that you can advise me accordingly. I had put US$2 000 aside for a project meant for my parents.
Last week, I found all the money gone and the only people I suspect are either my husband or my new house cleaner. I have not said a word about it because I am still considering how to go about it. I kept this money in my old church uniform pocket in the wardrobe, which I do not share with my husband. I am broken, but trying hard to act normal.
My hubby has been asking whether I am sick or not. He says I am not myself. I do not know whether this is how I now look outwardly. I am not sure whether he is the one who took the money. Amai, please help. I do not know what to do. I just cannot think straight.
Response
Thank you so much for writing in and for pouring out the truth. It is very noble to be true to yourself. Let me call a spade a spade.
I do not think you understand what marriage entails. In a marriage setup, you are not supposed to hide anything from your spouse.
You said your parents were being treated unfairly but you did not bring this issue to the table for discussion. Inasmuch as the idea of mukando sounds good, you purposely did it for a divisive reason. When you deceive your spouse, you deceive yourself, too, because you are one entity.
The amount that disappeared in your home is a lot. For this issue to be resolved, you have to come clean about the whole thing. You can call the two tetes from both your side and your husband’s to discuss this matter at length.
You know your backgrounds well and where more help may be needed. You cannot always give them the same amounts or the same provisions; they may vary based on needs. You need to check with everyone in your household and this, unfortunately, includes your kids and the house cleaner. You may even engage the police if you are not satisfied.
*****************
House cleaner is running the home?
I am a happily married mother of a set of twins, and I am in my 40s. Our neighbour’s tenants are a young couple with a four-year-old child who goes to nursery school. Last week, when I came back from work, I found the child sleeping in one of our spare bedrooms. I asked my house cleaner and she casually said the neighbour’s house cleaner just went AWOL.
As such, the neighbours asked her to look after the child on their behalf when she was dropped off by the school bus.
She said the arrangement was meant to stand until they secure a new helper. I felt disrespected. This couple arranged all this and never told me anything! I did not say anything, but it is eating me inside. What should I do? My husband asked whether I was still running the home or it was the house cleaner.
Response
It is very refreshing to hear about happy marriages. Please, keep it that way. That is how it should be. You are right — this young couple next door and your house cleaner are all off track. This type of arrangement can only be made by you or your husband because there is more to it than meets the eye. Your helper is supposed to do household chores during the day, so when she is busy, who monitors this child’s movements?
I do not want to sound negative but so many things can happen that may result in freak accidents. I advise you not to beat about the bush.
Address your neighbours and tell them that they crossed the line and that they must apologise.
They must engage you to consider making this arrangement work. Your domestic worker must be reminded whom she works for and whose rules she must follow. Children are precious; their safety should be guaranteed at all times. I wish you all the best.
Feedback: [email protected]; 0771415474
