The Sunday Mail
Dr Rebecca Chisamba
Mudzimba
Hello amai, how are you? I am a middle-aged woman and I have been a very good stepmother to my stepdaughter. When I met my husband, he was getting out of a relationship with her mother, and she was only two. The mother did not take good care of her and was a thorn in our side, until I asked my husband to take full custody of her. I raised her like my own. She would go to my mother’s place with her half-siblings and up to this day very few people know that she is not my biological daughter.
I facilitated her travel abroad to do her masters and now she wants to get married. I have been prepping my home for lobola day and even roped in my own mother. However, I was shocked when she informed me that she would not be getting married at our place because her mother forbade her from getting married in a stranger’s home when she is still alive. My husband is equally disappointed and has directed that she and her mother go on with the programme. I feel so betrayed. How must I deal with this?
Response
Greetings writer, I am very well and thanks for asking. I can understand your displeasure at being informed that you are a stranger in her biological mother’s eyes. I wish I could tell you that every good deed you do in life will pay off, but, evidently, this is not the case. Her mother has always been difficult, so I am not shocked by her actions.
I think she must know better. You raised her like your own daughter and she must respect you as her mother and all the sacrifices you made for her. Communicate this to her. Tell her that you still want the ceremony to be done in her father’s house and that she is free to invite her biological mother and her people. Extend the olive branch. This day is bigger than feuding parents. You must unite and make sure the day is a success. I hope she realises this before it is too late. I hope she also manages to apologise for even considering not including you and her father to be part of such a big day. Please rope in vanatete nana sekuru. They must also try and make sure this is resolved and all the processes run smoothly.
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Sekuru refusing to go home
Makadii amai? I am a 23-year-old woman and my husband is 24. We recently got married in April and we had a small gathering because of the pandemic.
There is a sekuru of his, from his mother’s side, who refused to go home after the wedding. He sleeps on the couch and we have a one-bedroomed flat. I am sure you can see the inconvenience. I do not want to push my partner to action, but I am sure he also sees the inconvenience. How best can we tell sekuru it is time to leave? Please help us amai, we want to enjoy our alone time.
Response
Ndinofara kana muchifarawo. Congratulations on getting married. You guys are still young and are still in your honeymoon phase. As such, there should be minimal disturbance. Why has sekuru not gone back? Does he have bus fare or is he waiting for something? Try and get your husband to speak to his parents about it. Sekuru has clearly overstayed his welcome. A smart way of doing it could be to give him an incentive.
Perhaps advise him that when he heads back kumusha you want to give him groceries, some money and farming inputs. Try and figure him out and see what makes him tick. It could be the key to getting him to leave.
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I want to move back home
I am a 24-year-old guy and I stay on my own. The arrangement is less ideal as I stay at someone’s house. I do not like the terms that comes with it, such as “mukomana wemukati” or “lodger”. To make matters worse, my landlord takes advantage of me and is always asking for provisions and loans.
Recently, he had me take his family to church and then come back to pick them up. I felt so humiliated. I am wondering if I should move back home now.
Response
Your case is not unique. I have advised others in similar circumstances to look for better accommodation. You do not have a lease in place and this guy takes advantage of you because he knows there is nothing binding between the two of you. He is the kind of person that goes back on his word. My advice is for you to look for a space that suits your requirements. Going back home when you had just started to assert your independence may set you back. Perhaps only as a short-term measure, but we are both in agreement that you need to leave the place you are currently residing. As for those terms, ignore them, so long as you have a roof over your head.
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