The Sunday Mail
Dr Rebecca Chisamba
Mudzimba
Mother driving us to move out
I am a 39-year-old married man and I am blessed with three kids. I am the eldest in our family. I have one brother and two sisters. I get on very well with my wife. She is genuinely nice to my friends and family.
My parents are both alive and retired. They stay at our rural home. My siblings and I have made the home habitable. There is running water, solar system and good security. My father asked me and my family to stay in our family home, in the northern suburbs, provided that I pay a bit of rent and maintain it. It is a beautiful five-bedroomed house. What we are paying is more of a token.
We are doing our best and my father is very appreciative. We reserved a bedroom that they use when they come to town. My mother is always coming home complaining about the state of the house, garden and the little rent that we pay. My siblings and I take turns to send money and provisions every month to our parents. We are tired of amai’s behaviour; we feel the best thing would be to opt out of this arrangement.
My father says he will talk to mum but I am not happy when they have misunderstandings because of me and my family’s use of the house.
My father is a great parent and wants the best for all of us. My mother is greedy and very hard to please. My siblings are saying I should take baba’s word and stay on. I am now confused.
Response
I think it is important to stay where you are happy. What your mother is doing is childish and unbecoming of a mother, especially if they let you stay there in the first place. The choice remains yours. If you have enough finances, perhaps moving elsewhere will give you the peace you yearn for. As for the standing arrangement you and your siblings have, I see no reason to stop assisting as you have always done. Inform your father of your next move.
He seems to be caught in the middle of all this. His reluctance to talk to your mum indicates she is very difficult to persuade. It is even harder to go to town about it because she is part owner of the property.
Make her aware of your displeasure. If you all live in fear, she may never know just how much of a negative impact her words and actions have on you. Go be your own man and continue to love your kind wife and family. A house is not a home. No matter where you go, as long as you have your family with you, you will be OK. I wish you well.
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Broke hubby angered
by lobola negotiations
Hello amai, I hope you are keeping safe. I am a 24-year-old woman. My husband paid lobola at the beginning of this year. The total amount he brought was $2 000 and it fell very short of what my people asked for.
My father and his team are saying I am not married yet because he did not pay anything towards rusambo (bride price). The condition they put was that he could come to visit me at our place and I can do likewise kumba kwavo, but we cannot stay together like man and wife. My partner is very cross about this.
He struggled to save the amount he brought. He is not coming to visit since the day he paid part of the lobola.
I have gone to their place several times and it seems his family is not happy too. I love him so much but now I feel as if I am losing him.
I spoke to my tete and she advised me to consider eloping. I am scared to do that because my father warned me against it because he is one of the elders in his church.
Amai, would it be a bad idea if I gave him some money from my savings secretly? I will make sure he pays it back. I wish my parents had not demanded a lot of groceries on the day because that’s where the bulk of the money went.
Response
Greetings writer, you seem to find yourself in quite the situation. $2 000 is a meagre amount but I need to understand the context. Is he gainfully employed or does he live from hand-to-mouth?
Lobola is supposed to be a token of appreciation to the bride’s family but at times in-laws get carried away and charge exorbitant amounts. I do not agree with what your family did. If they wanted to reject him, they should have done it outright. It is not proper for you and him to pay each other visits.
By so doing, they are endorsing that you can play married couple during the brief time but revert back to your single lives afterwards.
It is unheard off! He is not your husband because he really has not paid anything towards rusambo. The idea of eloping is also a terrible one regardless of your father’s position. I would not recommend that you loan him your money. Instead, advise him to secure a loan and at least put something towards rusambo. If he is struggling this much, how are the two of you going to make ends meet? Please ponder on all questions I raised before moving forward.
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Roommate is a leech
I am a 26-year-old woman who is gainfully employed. I stay in the Avenues and have a two-bedroomed apartment. I have an associate I went to university with. She is not a very close friend of mine.
A few months ago, she reached out after she was sent packing by her landlord for not paying her rentals on time, rowdy behaviour and generally being unhygienic. She lied to me and I felt so sorry for her and thought her landlord was insensitive.
We agreed that she would come to stay with me for at least two months while she looked for her own place. We agreed to split costs. It is now six months and she is not in a hurry to move out.
All she is doing is bringing different kinds of people to the house. She has not paid a cent or contributed towards rent since she moved in.
She loves food but she does not buy anything. I spoke to her former landlord and regretted why I ever took her in. In the process, I also found out why she was kicked out.
My boyfriend wanted to confront her but I stopped him because I want to handle it myself. Amai, I don’t want her here. Please help.
Response
Your issue is rather simple. In light of what was brought to your attention by her former landlord, give her notice. She is doing the exact same thing that led to her being put out in the first place.
In future do not make it a habit to share your space with people you are not sure of. Being rowdy and not pulling her own weight when it comes to bills is terrible. You were right to call off your boyfriend; address this issue yourself and be as candid as you can be. Even if there is some blowback, you owe it to yourself to get things back to normal. Keep me posted. I am sure this will be speedily resolved.
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