The Sunday Mail
Dr Rebecca Chisamba
Mudzimba
Family in discord
DEAR amai, how are you? I am an elderly woman in my mid-fifties. We have four adult children who are now all married and have children of their own. I admire other families who get along so well. We cannot organise a family function because most of the time they fight verbally. I have two sons and two daughters.
We brought them up in church and they are all educated. However, you will not believe it when you see them together. I do not know where the conflict stems from. They just hate each other. My husband and I have tried every trick in the book with no luck. Please help. What could be behind this?
Response
I am very well, thanks. The truth is your situation is stranger than fiction. My guess is as good as yours. They could be jealous of each other’s success or fighting for your attention. When you plan some events, who shoulders most of the cost or responsibility?
Who gets the most glamorous tasks and who is often on the fringes of everything? You need to consider all these factors as they may be causing friction. The truth is life is too short; you must enjoy the time you have as a family. As such, try to rope in whoever you can to help mitigate this conflict.
Perhaps the kids know something you do not. Rope in a counsellor, relatives and even your pastor if you think this will get you somewhere. Remind them that blood is thicker than water, and that the family is stronger when it is united than when it is divided.
***
I detest my family
How are you amai? I am a woman based in the Diaspora and I last visited Zimbabwe in 2015. I have no desire to do so again, even though it is genuinely hard to travel with Covid-19 restrictions.
My family assumes that I am loaded by virtue of staying abroad. They often ask me for financial favours or to contribute heavily during unfortunate times.
When I last visited Zimbabwe, they all hounded me asking for presents and money.
I do not even pick up phone calls from Zimbabwe anymore. How can I let them know where I stand? I cannot continue to live like this.
Response
Hello writer, I am fine and thanks for asking. Your issue is not that complicated. It is simply a matter of getting the courage to tell these guys that you are not a piggy bank.
Do not be rude about it. Just be stern and inform whoever asks for something that you cannot honour their wishes because of your financial situation. Eventually, they will get the message.
Hiding and ignoring calls will not get you anywhere. Control the narrative and let them know where you stand. Your family sounds so entitled. I hope you slow their roll soon.
Honesty is the best policy. Once you deal with this, you will feel the burden on your shoulders lifted.
***
Neighbours not welcome in my car
Dear amai, I recently bought a beautiful Honda Fit. I stay in one of the high-density suburbs of Harare. Since I bought this car, I have never enjoyed a ride with my wife alone.
Three of my neighbours wait for a ride into town by my gate daily. What hurts the most is they do not even offer to pay. This past week, I decided to park the car and go back to kombis. These guys keep sending texts to ask when I will use the car. Fuel is expensive, and so is the wear and tear.
I would rather use the car to travel with my family. How do I tell them that they are not welcome in my car?
Response
Hello writer. Congratulations on your acquisition. The truth is you let people get away with murder because you were shy to tell them the truth.
Inform them via text that there is no longer room for them because you are transporting your family and other paying passengers.
Let them say what they want, but at the end of the day it is your car, and you meet all the expenses alone. In Shona they say ‘musadye huroyi nekunyara’.
Stand up to your neighbours and inform them that the days of free rides are over. Once you get your freedom back, you will be worry-free.
◆ Write to: [email protected], WhatsApp 0771415747.
