The Sunday Mail
What an ungrateful stepson
MAI CHISAMBA, thank you so much for your column. I need help; my stepson is tearing our marriage apart.
When I married my husband he had a son out of wedlock, his ex thought they would make up and get together somehow. After our wedding I think this woman saw that all chances of reconciling were dead and started using the child as bait.
She would phone at midnight saying mwana arwara or mwana ari kungochema. My husband would jump out of bed to go and help out. This continued until I said please go get your son tigare naye.
Little did I know I was inviting the devil into my marriage.
We were blessed with a set of twins, both boys, but Mai Chisamba, ndinoita kunge ndakazvara pasina. We are happily married but the problem is my husband has no spine, bota zvaro.
This woman still phones on a daily basis kubvunza mwana kuti aswera sei. My in-laws have turned this boy into a very malicious child; he knows what they want to hear and that’s what he tells them, nhema dzega.
I do the best for this kid, I have nothing against him, but I’m getting fed up now. I feel my husband does not give me the protection I need neither does he lift his finger against all this nonsense.
Would I be wrong if I suggest that this boy goes back to his mother tobhadhara hedu maintenance?
When relatives from my side visit they bring him gifts just like they do for the twins. Vekwababa vanosarura, vana vangu vachipihwa tuma gifts twe zhing zhong. Please help.
Response
Thank you so much for reading my column and thank you for saying the magic words “happily married”, it’s very refreshing to hear that. I don’t hear this regularly.
First and foremost your husband should be man enough to run his affairs, zvehubota izvo ngazvipere.
I don’t think it’s a good idea to send this boy back to his mother because he needs proper upbringing and moulding. Your husband’s ex should accept that the man she had a child with has moved on with his life, matakadya kare haanyaradze mwana.
If she wants to phone the child give her the times when to do so, maybe once or twice a week. She does not need to speak to your man, time dzavo dzikakwana give the phone to the child, don’t ever entertain her.
Make a standing arrangement when the child can go see his mother either during weekends or during school holidays. You can do this through the court or kungotaurirana sevanhu vakuru.
You and your husband should talk to the in-laws about the harm they are causing through their interference. Tell them when they segregate your children it hurts you.
Mwana muudzei kuti zvichemo zvese zvinobuda nekunze hazviteererwe. Since the boy is now malicious I think you can rope in child rights organisations to help him out, it won’t be difficult since he is only 15.
Kungoti ataure nema professionals in a friendly manner. Don’t read too much into gifts it’s not a bread and butter issue. It’s not the quality of the gift that counts but the thought behind. Tendai maruva dzigove chakata.
Last but not least, love this kid as if he were yours, there is no difference between him and the twins. Don’t be shaken, love and protect each other. Pray about your family musakanganwe kunamatirawo vadzivisi.
It is my hope that your issue can be solved at family level. I wish you well.
Underwear for my hubby? What a gift
I enjoy reading your column every week. I have been married to my husband for 16 years, we get on well and we have three kids — two sons and a daughter.
Kubasa my husband is the boss and has a very pleasant young secretary, very professional I must say.
Last year she tied the knot with her childhood sweetheart, we were invited to her uptown wedding and we were treated like VVIPs. We had agreed to give US$500 plus a microwave as a wedding gift but when we got there my husband added another US$500 to make it US$1 000, I just wondered why?
We had a nasty exchange of words back home but I then decided to let go after my husband had apologised for what he had done.
Although this is now water under the bridge pane zvimwe zvaita kuti ndifunge zvakaitika shure.
This lady was in SA for a week kuworkshop. She bought a present for her boss. My husband had gone for golf with his friends and he sent me a text message saying pass through the office utore zvinhu zvangu.
I did exactly that, I took his jacket, laptop, phone and this beautiful wrapped parcel. I don’t open his things unless asked to do so, but I was tempted to see what was inside.
I got the shock of my life; a pair of sun glasses and a set of boxers (underwear)! Secretary, newlywed, why?
Ndizvo zvipo zvekupa murume wemumwe here? What message is this? Tanetsana nenyaya iyi, should I tell her husband about this? Should I beat her up? Are these guys having an extra-marital affair?
Ndonomufumura here kubasa kwacho? I am so angry and confused. Please help.
Response
Thank you so much for reading my column. I feel happy when people tell me that they get on well with their spouses that is what it should be, please keep the fire burning.
Planning together and sticking to what you plan plays a pivotal role in a marriage. Changing this randomly affects your budget. For the wedding, your husband should not have made any changes without telling you, but I think what he did was very noble — he apologised after.
At times people change because something will have moved them maybe the bar at the wedding was higher than what he anticipated. At times tsitsi chaidzo nezvirikuitika dzinogona kusunda munhu akatobisa mari yakawanda kana chipo chikuru.
You forgave your husband and moved on, but look a year after you still begrudge him for having paid more than you had budgeted for. When you forgive you forget.
Wakaputitsa chibharuma, why did you open his parcel? You should have waited to see his response paaizovhura ega.
I agree, underwear is not the best gift especially when you give to someone’s spouse; it’s an intimate gift and can send a wrong message. My advice is we don’t pay for sin in the same coin; don’t tell her husband before you establish why she did this.
You have been married for 16 years; I assume you are a mature lady, take one step at a time. Pamwe chirungu chaakubatirwa pasipo, maybe it was done purely out of ignorance. Kumufumura kubasa kufumura murume wakowo, remember after this you will continue to be man and wife.
Think of your children and what you have invested in this marriage. We have to establish if these guys are dating, panodiwa tangible evidence because the law can be very stubborn.
I know you are angry, you need to calm down first before you take the next step.
Get a marriage counsellor who will speak to the three of you first about these issues then we will take it from there.
To the young secretary I say nduwe haitengerwi munhu asiri wewanano yako, zvainoshongedza ndiwo musimboti wewanano. All the best.
Forced into prison-like marriage
Thank you so much for your column.
I am a 20-year-old woman, both my parents are deceased. After I was orphaned my cousin brought me to Harare kuzondichengeta.
My brother-in-law had a friend, a lecturer by profession who asked babamukuru kuti vakande shoko kwandiri. I said no but they lied to him that I had said yes.
This guy is 24 years older than me and I just don’t have any feelings for him. Vakatanga kupihwa mari nezvinhu in my name.
They continued to mislead this guy until he paid lobola, sisi vaingoti wakapusa unochengetwa nani? I was forced to marry this cruel guy but to tell you the truth I have never met any of his people.
Is this normal? He ill-treats me, he doesn’t provide for me as his wife. I asked if I could go and work, ndine eight points pa A-Level, but he says no. I feel like a prisoner, what do I do? Please help me out.
Response
Thank you so much for reading my column. I am sorry about the passing on of both your parents. I picked your letter because my heart bleeds when people take advantage of the vulnerable.
In Shona we have an adage that says kutanga handi basa asi kupedzesa.
I don’t know what happened to the love and concern that your cousin had shown by taking you from kumusha when you were orphaned. I refuse to think she did this because she wanted to use you for her selfish intentions.
Looking at your case atadza kupedzisa basa. Your cousin and her husband are a greedy lot, how could they treat an orphan like that? Why didn’t you tell this guy that you had said no to his proposal? Why didn’t you tell someone about your predicament?
I always encourage people not to suffer in silence, speak up and be assisted; you could have even written to me as you have done now or to the police or even told a neighbour.
In Zimbabwe it’s against the law to force anyone into marriage. Please furnish me with more information panoroorwa munhu panouya dzimwe hama, why didn’t you tell them?
I don’t think it was just your cousin and husband who officiated the lobola proceedings. Ko vanyayi vakauya nemari wakadini kuvaudza? I don’t want to doubt your story but as you can see there are more questions than answers.
My sixth sense tells me that your so-called husband has a lot of skeletons in his cupboard. It’s not normal not to be introduced to his people, ko akafuma akafa or kurwara, who do you tell?
A-Level, I think you can reason better than this. You are not a prisoner but you have to set yourself free. I have your details, let’s continue our communication, these people should be brought to book.
You just can’t survive in a forced marriage; your cousin should be ashamed of herself. Please as I said before, give me information and answer all the questions I asked.
Last but not least I just want to say to our readers please refrain from nyaya yekuda tunhu at the expense of other people. I wish you all the best.
