The Sunday Mail
Rape scarred me for life
This is my second letter to you on the same issue and I hope this time it will be picked. I lost my parents at a very tender age and my aunt (father’s sister) took custody of me. When I was in Grade 3 her husband started to sexually abuse me. This went on until I was in Grade 7. What pains me most is that I told my tete and she advised me never to say anything because tose navo taizodzingwa pamusha uyu. I was heartbroken and grew up a very, very bitter child.
To cut a long story short I am now a married woman with two kids but I can’t forget what I went through. I have had to tell my husband what babamukuru did because tete is always blackmailing me. I really don’t know why tete is trying to destroy my marriage by bad-mouthing me.
My husband said angaarotswa zvese I don’t know how true this is. I see from your column that you advise people to seek counselling, but please help I want to go through this. I once thought of reporting babamukuru but havazosungwa here? Ukama hunozofamba sei if I do so? I love my husband and I would want my marriage to work, please I need advice. Kufirwa kwakaoma zvamunoona imi.
Response
Please bear with me I receive hundreds of letters some of which I respond to privately and some I pick for this column. I am sorry for your loss, it’s tough growing up without your biological parents.
Tete had done a very good thing, it’s unfortunate her husband took advantage of a vulnerable child. I cannot imagine what you went through and for so long. Tete was wrong and she should have reported the issue to the police back then. This was a big let down because these were the people you looked up to as your parents and they did what no parent should ever do to a child. Tete should be ashamed of herself, why is she blackmailing and bad mouthing you now?
My advice is, babamukuru should be reported to the police, nyaya haiori. Who knows what he is doing these days? Old habits die hard. Ukama hwauri kuchema ndeupi? Idzi ndidzo dzinonzi mhandu kana kuti mabhinya. I will try and introduce you to a professional counsellor so that you go through therapy, it really helps. I commend your husband for standing by your side after you told him about the abuse. It is a sign of true love. Lastly I think you should sit down with tete and tell her that she should respect your marriage and stop causing havoc. We have a Shona adage that says kutanga handi basa asi kupedzisa. Tete did a commendable thing of looking after you when your parents passed on asi vakatadza kupedzesa basa zvakanaka and this has undone the good work she had initially done. Let’s keep in touch, I wish you all the best.
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Small house has a vendetta to settle
I am a well respected man in society and also happily married. My problem is, I have kept a grave secret for the past 15 years, which is half of my married life.
Kumba I have three kids, two sons and one daughter. I have been secretly dating my sister’s friend and ikoko vana two vese vakomana variko vanonzi ndevangu. My wife knows this woman as tete’s friend and she comes home with her kids apo neapo with my dear sister. No other family member knows this secret except sisi. The eldest is seven and the other is five. We celebrated our 30th wedding anniversary a few months ago with my official wife and she really made it a lavish affair. It was a grand occasion attended by family, friends and church members. It was so grand wakatokunda our first wedding.
Sadly my small house was there and I could see that she was not amused. My problem is that this woman is saying haachada kuvigwa she wants to come out in the open. My wife anongofunga kuti ishamwari yavatete and she often says dai ndine munhu wandaiziva ndaiita match making for this woman because she looks after herself and her kids well. I am between the depth and the devil, I don’t know what to do.
This small house is now determined to expose me. What will happen to my official wife’s relationship with my sister? What will the church say? Vana vakura ndonyarira kupi?
I have been given an ultimatum yekuti if I don’t tell my wife, she will. Ari kuti ndakamushainira nekuita lavish anniversary ndaigodiniwo hangu. Mai Chisamba how do I come out of this unharmed?
Response
You should have self respect for yourself before considering what society thinks about you. Otherwise you will be fooling yourself and always putting other people’s opinions first instead of your own.
How can you talk of a happy marriage when you have so many skeletons in your closet?
You don’t even know how to refer to your secret lover in one instance you called her your sister’s friend and in another you have called her your small house. Which is which? You say these two boys vanonzi ndevako? Wakamboshandeiko ikoko kuzonzi vana ndevako? I always say don’t create families you cannot adequately care for. You are playing hide-and-seek and these innocent kids need a father in their life.
They did not choose to be born under such circumstances. The moment the cat gets out of the bag your sister and your wife are going to be sworn enemies and it’s going to be all your fault. I don’t know why we are talking about the church because your life does not resemble kana munhu anombopfura neko. But your small house is overreacting. She knew the situation you were in before you fell in love.
You had a wife and kids and this means from the beginning she accepted to be a secret lover, mukadzi wekudondo. What’s the big deal now yekusada kuramba akavigwa, akurasika papi? Why do you disrespect your wife by letting this woman come to your house and to your anniversary? Shame on you!
Vakuru vanoti kana gonye ragarisa mudanga nairo rinofungawo kuti imombewo. My advice is take the bull by its horns and confess to your wife, she needs to know the truth usatangirwe hako. It’s not going to be easy, if you can’t do it alone rope in a professional counsellor akubatsire. Your wife should sue this woman for adultery because muchato we 5.11 is for one spouse. Unfortunately you have to pay maintenance for those two boys because they are your kids. I would want to hear from you again. Your sister should apologise to both women for double crossing them. Sorry you can’t come out of this unharmed, unotokwesheka chete, asi mazvokuda mavanga enyora. I hope your marriage will remain standing after the storm. I wish you all the best.
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Bothersome neighbours
Mine is a very common problem but it is bothering me and I don’t know what to do. I am a young woman in my early 30s and blessed with two kids. Tinodanna nemurume wangu, I have no complaint.
We stay in Kuwadzana and the couple opposite is an elderly one maybe in their 60s but kukumbira havanyare. We go to the same church and every Sunday they have breakfast at our house. Vanoenda nesu nemota yedu when we come back vanomirira kudya. Believe it or not she even asks for things like soap, cooking oil and left over food. We are young enough to be their children, how do we stop this? When we have visitors they come kuti tauya kuzomhoresa vaenzi, they will stay on until the visitors go. Hatizogona kusununguka nekutaurawo nyaya dzezera redu. The truth is isu as a couple we are fed up. When we are away she asks for things from our maid. What do we do? Please help.
Response
For sure yours is a common problem especially in high-density suburbs where houses are in close proximity to each other. The main problem is most people of our race pretend to be happy when they are not. Vanhu vanojaira kutsungirira even in marriages, friendships, the list goes on that’s why we have endless problems.
Cash talk breaks no friendship and people will respect you for that. If your neighbours are such a bother why not tell them?
Unovaudza zvakanaka sekuti “Amai isu tinotenga kamwe chete kana kaviri pamwedzi saka dzimwe nguva handigone kukubatsirai zvisina urongwa.”
They must know that you can only give them when you have extra to spare. I don’t think there is anything wrong when they come to greet visitors but they should go back straight after.
You did not tell me if they have grown up children who can assist them here and there. I just wonder why they are so dependent on you.
Asking for things from sisi is wrong but this you can tell your maid to say “Mirirai vana mai”, I think they will get the message. On Sundays you can try and wean them gradually, maybe by giving them a loaf of bread and saying mozobika mabva kuchurch. Dzimwe nguva vanotoita izvi vachifunga kuti munozvifarira uye hamuna dambudziko nazvo although kufarirwa kwakadai kuchidhura. Some people take so much for granted.
Please don’t tell other neighbours about this, deal with them zvine hunhu. I know the dollar is hard to come by, it’s not always easy to play Father Christmas. I hope you will be able to handle this but be of good cheer. I wish you all the best.
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