The Sunday Mail
I feel I am betraying my mother
I am 24-years-old and I come from an amazing family. My parents are very successful and we live in the most uptown parts of Harare. I drive a Jeep that they bought me and they cater for my every need.
I work as a junior engineer at a renowned manufacturing company. As you can imagine, my life is pretty much perfect.
Except for one thing.
My father is a womaniser. He has several small houses all over the country, some of them even younger than me. But that is not my business.
Chirikunetsa ndechekuti my mother has refused to ever be involved in the welfare of my father’s other children. In fact, she says she does not care. She pretends they do not exist.
The reason is because some 10 years back when my mum found out about the affairs she confronted him and for almost six months our house was a warzone.
My mum had swollen eyes from the beating. My dad was once cut on his hand vakanoiswa three stitches. Door rakambotemwa nedemo, amai vazvikiira imomo. It was terrible. I was young and I was lost.
My parents talked through it and the marriage survived. They are happy and are celebrating their 30th anniversary next year.
My problem is that my father approached me about a month back and asked that I make time to get to know my half-brothers and sisters. They get about US$500 a month, which will sustain them but will not buy cars or take them on holidays.
My dad feels that they should be allowed to visit the family home during school holidays and join us on family vacations that we go on twice a year.
He said he didn’t want to upset amai by asking of her something so difficult. He asked me to go and see them, go to movies and lunch.
These children are innocent Mai Chisamba and I feel they should not be punished for the mistakes of their mothers. I also feel that if I reach out to these children it’s a betrayal to my mother. These children are a reminder of betrayal and pain.
I am confused Mai Chisamba. Is it my place to meddle in my parents’ marital affairs? Should I say no to my father’s request? Will that not just push him back into his mistresses’ arms?
I watched my mother cry herself to sleep, I saw her beaten up, I watched her being hurt. All because of some women out there who decided to have an affair with a married man.
What is wrong with people these days? But the children are innocent. I have forgiven my dad for what he did to my mum. But I will never forget what these women did to my family.
I want my family to remain happy Mai Chisamba. Please help.
Response
Yes your parents have done well in terms of amassing wealth, maybe they concentrated on that too much and forgot to work on their marriage. You describe your father as a womaniser, I think that’s very unfortunate for a man of his standing. Having small houses all over the country and creating families that he cannot look after openly is both disgraceful and irresponsible.
I can tell that your mother has gone through thick and thin. She has been physically and mentally abused. She was a victim of domestic violence and this is the woman you describe as someone who doesn’t care. I think you are judging her harshly. You need to be in her shoes to understand what she went through.
When your father is out on his escapades your mum is lonely, deprived of her conjugal rights and even at risk of contracting HIV/Aids nezvimwe zvirwere.
Your father is stealing resources from his marriage to go and have fun. I agree with you that the kids out there are innocent because they did not request to be born in these circumstances.
My advice is do not let your father use you against your mum. You have nothing to do with the point at issue usatenge nyaya. Your father should be man enough to talk to your mother.
You say they are getting US$500 per month and you think that’s little. There are families that don’t get that much a month. Your father cannot just bulldoze, maybe he needs to rope in a professional counsellor and help to map a way forward.
You have forgiven your father, well done. But you are not his wife, mind you baba is messing around ivo mai varipo. Zvakasiyana nekuwana murume aine vana vake.
I am happy that after all this they made up, sando kuna mai vako. Baba has to be extra careful because he should never rub salt on old wounds. Last but not least do not ever involve yourself munyaya dzama small house ababa vako.
Boss’ favours confusing
I am a 30-year-old woman happily married and blessed with a son. I work for an NGO and basa rikawanda at times we work until after hours.
Of late my male boss now stays on when we are busy. He is not compelled to give me anything extra because all that is taken care of by the relevant department. He now goes out of his way to buy me good food and extra cash. The first time I thought he had made a mistake ndikavaudza kuti mari ye overtime ndapihwa kare and he said that was his personal appreciation.
The reason I have written you is the amounts he is now giving me are really large amounts. He stays on until I go. He has not said anything untoward but I am just wondering why he is doing all that. I have not told my husband, I don’t want to make him suspicious for nothing zvinozokonzeresa.
Last week I did not have my car because I had taken it for service and for two days we stayed on late to finish a project. My biggest surprise is he told his personal driver to take me home instead of me going on the minibus with everyone else.
Mai Chisamba, is this just a favour or ndiniwo ndisiri kugadzikana? I am worried, confused and don’t know what to do.
Response
I feel good when you tell me that you are happily married, that’s what it should be.
You say your boss has not said anything untoward, if so let’s then say this money is truly for appreciation. There is something you have not told me because you are not making sense. Let’s rewind.
The boss is giving you large amounts of money from his pocket and also buying you special food. Why are you pocketing this money secretly if it is clean money? Why are you not telling your husband about what is happening at the office? For how long are you going to be taking this money?
The company is paying you for working overtime. Vakuru vanoti kana uchida kubata huku unoipfavira uchiikandira chibage pedyo netsoka dzako kana zvadai hauchaita yekutandanisa kungobata huro wotonouraya wodya.
I don’t want to suspect anything because so far nothing has been said. This is giving you a lot of discomfort, so why continue? What are you doing with this extra cash if I may ask? Couples that have joint budgets rarely have problems with their finances. Bear in mind that in life tables turn, today the boss is appreciating you, tomorrow he may request to be appreciated in a way he sees fit – wozodini?
Be careful.
I always say muwanano hapana ane chake ega, ko sei mari iyi uri kuita yako wega? This kind of favour is scary. Now his personal driver is involved, maybe he is wondering why too and maybe talking to a few people about this.
My advice is usadye uroyi nekunyara or nekukara. Don’t be attracted by these so-called large amounts, say no to this, go on the bus if you don’t have your car for any reason.
You say you did not tell your husband because zvinokonzeresa, this is very explosive indeed. If you don’t want to tell your husband because of what may happen between the two of you, please give back all the money. The boss will respect you for that. Just tell him kuti zvakuremera; you have a joint budget with your husband and cannot explain mazimari aya.
I know it’s a tall order but if we are to go by your letter this is the best. Vasikana hero jira kufuka kana kuwarira.
***
Vamwene is
pain in the neck
I know you have covered a lot on vanamwene nevaroora.
My mother-in-law is very sensitive and when she is around the best way to make her happy is to just keep quiet. Whatever you say, even if it has nothing to do with her, vanotomonyongodza kuti zviite semanga muchireva ivo.
We went to a wedding, my sister-in-law and I. We laughed our lungs out when we saw this guy aizvida akapfeka matakkies nesuit. She said we were laughing at her because she had a funny hat.
Mai Chisamba, that’s not the truth. She told relatives that were there kuti we were making fun of her. Ambuya muroora wamai confronted us and told us off. I am not amused – I don’t want to be accused falsely. I do not know why vachingokonzeresa, handisi mwana wavo and handina basa navo. She has created problems in our homes inotori nyaya yekuti takavaseka. She feels uncomfortable because zvekupfekawo havagone vanongomona.
I have told my husband that I do not want to hear about that anymore and will not even bother to go to her house. My husband can go to visit her with our two kids if he so wishes inini I have written her off.
Mai Chisamba, munhu anobhowa samai ava ungamuita sei? She is a pain in the neck.
Response
Maiwe maiwe! It seems many mothers-in-law and daughters-in-law are always at each other’s throats. Why brew a storm in a teacup?
Let’s go through your letter step-by-step. You laughed your lungs out when you saw this guy wearing his takkies and a suit, for your information it’s very rude to do so. It is not fair to just laugh before you find out first why.
Vanhu vane hutano hwakasiyana siyana. As of amai, I think she has a very low self-esteem, which can be quite a problem. Instead of you giving up on her do the opposite and assist her. There is nothing like a funny hat, it’s all in her head. Ngavagutsikane. Why are you getting so bitter and so offended over such a petty issue?
You are family, try and embrace each other and solve problems amicably. This woman will always be the mother of your beloved husband and the grandmother of your two children. She must also bear in mind that you are the love of one of her sons and this will remain so until death separates you.
Why did amai tell so many other people? This is divisive, she must understand that from the people she told some will take her side and some yours. You are opening yourselves to this unnecessarily.
Your question is munhu anobhowa samai ava ungamuita sei? My answer is munhu anobhowa ngaadzidziswe kusabhowa.
Love her, exchange notes if you are a fashion specialist. You can even pay and let her attend grooming classes; it all depends with your attitudes. Be a positive family and look at the bright side of life. Mweya wekungoti ndashorwa, ndasekwa, ndatukwa hauvake misha. Please do not write anyone off, this is life, you do not know who will stand by your side or family tomorrow, everyone is important in their own right.
Lastly I suggest you rope in an independent professional counsellor, sit down as family and iron out your differences. The advantage of having a professional is they do not take sides and they are trained to be discreet. Pray for your family, there is immense power in prayer. I wish you all the best.
Write to [email protected] or WhatsApp 0771415747.
